#9- Minibarb

The things that have happened in hotel rooms are too numerous and sickening to tell. The music fraternity should just accept that caravanning is the only way to stay away from home and should then just be left to clean up their own mess. At only one moment in the whole of human history would there be anything beneficial to come out of a hotel room and that was the humbling, lonesome genius of Minibarb. Born Charlston Hippomouth in 1971, as Minibarb he would take over a small corner of the music scene and have a small and comforting set of walls built around him.

The early nineties are not a time associated with acoustic-noise bands, but Minibarb took no notice of the things going on around him. This is not hyperbole: Minibarb did not listen to any records, did not like being out of the house and only listened to the nascent talk radio stations on the wireless. As an agoraphobic alcoholic, Charlston took the guitar he had inherited upon his Aunty's death and crafted soundscapes that even the vaunted Silicon Graphics Computers could not reproduce at the time.

Fisher Price tape recorder on his knee, Hippomouth recorded a demo tape using his bath, airing cupboard and wherever else he found himself to create a close, echo-imbued sound. His increasingly complicated pre-microphone arrangements meant that any movement from his guitar sounded like a 1024 colour vista etched in feedback. His DTs provided more than enough background material even before he started plucking and the demo tape was quickly snapped up by Spinstaar Records. Released without an artist's name, the album, called Minibarb Blues shot to number 998.3 of the new world order, acoustic-noise and Jazz chart.

Many confused buyers -and the Our Price store in Ryde, IOW- thought that the album was called Blues by the artist Minibarb. Reluctant to upset absolutely anyone, Charlton took on the name. His next challenge was to play infront of live audiences. His first tour was set to take places in either very small pubs or pubs with tiny-enough booths. Successful gigs at the Blue Bell in York and in the central booth at The Princess Louise in Holborn could not stop the panic attacks that accompanied every attempt to get him out of the venue and away from the bar. Eventually Minibarb would refuse to leave his hotel room.

Faced with an artist called Minibarb who will not come out of Room 217, Spinstaar came up with a novel solution. The fans would come to him, would partake of the Minibar drinks (at a cost the hotel loved to charge them) and would get the gig for free. Touts unofficially connected to the record company would sell branded merchandise as the imbibed guests were leaving.

This business model suited everyone. The hotel had people actually use the minibar, (even to buy peanuts), the record company made money from the touts and the other guests at the hotel had already paid for their rooms. So they couldn't complain. Fantastic!

As it turned out, the en-suite toilet of a chain hotel was the perfect place for Minibarb to ply his pedal-heavy acoustic nonsense. The toilet room acted as a hall reverb pitched to one side of the venue and the bed was conveniently close by. Minibarb was in a form of heaven that only severe amounts of therapy could beat. But when he started attending said therapy, Spinstaar started to worry that they were going to lose their only profitable signing. (For the record, Justin Jus and the Saucier Sisters had a novelty hit with "Been Mashing Mash Potato Au Gratin Au Naturalle Pour Homme Pour Femme De Vin De Pain" in 1984, but due to reckless spending on other haute cusine-related singles Spinstaar was as good as broke when then received the demo from the artist who would come to be known as Minibarb.) Spinstaar, unwilling to free their man from his daemons, fed Minibarb a spiked drink and moved the lifeless body into a new hotel room with walls that did actually move in closer every day.

Minibarb, shocked at first by the dimensions of the wall actually changing went on record two more albums, "The Walls are Alive" and "If These Walls Could Talk (they'd say "We're Alive!")". Through his success and his ability to rationalise his thoughts into experience, as shown by his walls, Minibarb grew in confidence and understanding. His fragile mental state actually boosted by the record company's Machiavellian undertaking, Minibarb was able to go outside in 1994. He walked to Woolworth's and bought a dark chocolate Bounty.

Now that the smoking ban is in place, Minibarb goes out whenever he wants a tab.