#5- Dismissive Missive

It's not so long since the court of public opinion held that skinny guys with guitars were pathetic loners and people who could mix two different songs together were the envy of folks all over the world. We all know that Twickenham scenesters Afro-bet changed all that, but at one time even a fool with a whistle and a working finger that could increase and decrease some repetitive bass-heavy drone could gain near universal respect and admiration. The court of public opinion is -as political activist Martin B Hooker would no doubt say- in contempt of itself.

Dismissive Missive (b. Henry Plantaganet, 1421) was a street-smart London urbanite who owned some decks and a mixer. Due to an accidental ebay purchase he also found himself in possession of a spring reverb. Not knowing what it was, he instinctively hooked it up to his decks -somehow overcoming any impedance issues- and managed to drench Slinky Disco's 1991 classic 'Nightclub Communion Wafer' in reverberating goodness. It almost made the song listenable. Missive knew he had something going on.

The big shock came when he went to get some more crisps from the kitchen. Knocking the housing of his new toy produced a quickening and deepening of the reverb. He reached for some drumsticks, ate the sweet, succulent chicken and then used the bones to 'play' the reverb.

Of course, if he wanted to play this live he would need some bigger bones; perhaps those of a dog, a bricklayer or a koala. After being removed from London Zoo and summarily banned from there, The Planetarium and Mademoiselle Tussauds- he went to find his treasure at the Broken Duck Pub in Seven Kings, IG3. (This was opposite the same Woolworths where Roxy McTaggart met Enoch M Farraday and plotted the start of Melvin and Maureen's Musical Kissograms.) A wise old man in the pub sold him a fibular from a goat that had died of natural causes: as long as being killed for meat is still classed as natural. He also sold him 300 Benson and Hedgehogs and a litre of Hogarth's Gin for £25.

At his first gig Missive played his bones on the Spring Reverb, mixing ''aint got no feelin'' to 'Swollen Brain Gland'. The crowd appeared to appreciate the new set of sounds available to them and Missive was rewarded with a regular slot at The Ministry of Culture, Media and Sport. Playing the afternoon warm up to a regular crowd of 19 burn-outs and dealers, Missive gained a cult club following, even being asked to mix the Ministry's 'DeFAMEations' box set.

His name appeared on neon-coloured paper hoardings outside the clubs where he would play one-offs; his ITV chart show was sponsored by Roller Cola; The Queen was presented with a box-set of his mixes by mistake by the Turkish delegation to the G20 summit. Missive had it all.

And you know what? He kept it. He didn't spend it on drugs or women or men or cars or houses or food or nuffin. He just kept it safe in the Royal Bank of Pembrokeshire. In May 2009 RBP filed for administration relief following an over-investment in Icelandic Icicles. Missive was thrown into debtors jail with his son, Edward of Westminster. They expect to be released on bail as soon as Missive's good friend and distant relative Richie Gloss finds the money.