#18 The Gentle Welephants

'Never play with naked flames - when your house burns down it's you they'll blame'. We all remember the little moral ditties that spouted from the trunk of the living legend and mascot of fires brigades up and down the country - Welephant. Since 1985 the anthropomorphic pachyderm has spread tales of mirth and fiery Armageddon that would leave children afraid to cook, and some so mentally scarred they would never again change a lightbulb. This tends to explain why, over twenty years later, large swathes of the population spend each and every night in darkened rooms eating Pot Noodle. Despite Welephant being the single cause of Britain's 'obesity problem' the love for this most rubicund of mastodons is well publicised. Two young lads from inner-city Salford took their love one step further by naming their band after him.

The year was 1987 and Billy Jenkins and Tugger Harris were in year 4 at St Theophilius of Bulgaria Comprehensive School. Wagon Wheels were as big as your head, you could buy Monster Munch by the pint and Grange Hill was still yet to become the poor descheveled uncle of Byker Grove. Whilst most kids were watching endless re-runs of Dungeons and Dragons and a mutant orange Geordie with a sore throat on You and Me, Jenkins and Harris were busying themselves with their passion for tracksuits and music.

Being only nine, living in Salford and harbouring an interested in hip hop all have their disadvantages. So it was that the majority of the boy's friends were listening to mournful guitar-based tat of The Smiths. Whilst their mates were fawning over the elitist melancholy of the band, Jenkins and Harris took an immediate dislike to every thing they stood for. In protest the pair sent hate mail to Morrissey written on meat-based products. It is not known whether the hapless superstar ever received the edible vituperation, but what we do know is the campaign was sustained for a number of months and culminated in a pork postcard.

Neither of the lads had touched an instrument before but Morrissey's incessant whining and flower swinging drove them on to make music. Due to their total lack of musical ability Jenkins and Harris began by taping the chart hits of the day from PopPix Radio on a Sunday night (just before jammie-time, beans on toast dinner and Antiques Roadshow). Using a complex mixing process, which mainly involved scissors, copious amounts of sticky tape and Tugger's pet hamster Trevor, they sampled and remixed the hits all with the aid of a Spectrum ZX. The results were frankly underwhelming. Despite this, T-Dog and Billy Braggs, as they became known, were an overnight success in the playground. The next morning they sold at least six tapes to their friends (although most went to Gary Brinkley in year 6 who used them to tie up the year twos. Also, for 'sold' read 'swapped for two packets of Space Raiders and a conker that looked like Terry Rowntree's Mum').

The next Monday they felt they had to top the previous week's effort. However, it was the duo's decision to remix the entire back-catalogue of Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers that was just that one step too far for their classmates. As with all schoolyard crazes like yo-yos, hammocks and wellington boots in the shape of kittens, the duo were dropped as quickly as they were discovered. Ironically, and in a cruel twist of fate, the tapes were confiscated by Mrs Davies, who re-recorded over them with the educational radio programme 'Fire. Natures Conflagrant Killer'. If only, instead of thinking Jive Bunny was 'quite rad', T-Dog and Braggs had remembered those fateful words of Mr Welephant himself: 'If you play with flame and fire, a criminal record you'll acquire'. A criminal record it certainly was.

Of course, we all know the rest of the story - Welephant was sold to an ivory dealer by the Fire Brigade to cover losses on their latest sexy calendar and the boys disappeared into obscurity. T-Dog received good grades on his o-levels, his nana was very pleased, and he now works as a chartered accountant. Despite almost losing his life in a nasty British Bulldog incident in 1989, Braggs is now a Management Consultant but says he is happy.