#15 - The Purloin Cloth

Many bands have tried to invent themselves as characters and draw a fanbase from a twenty-something form of dress-up. No band relished and descended into this world as thoroughly and as stupidly as The Purloin Cloth. Donning the ruffs of Elizabethan ruffians, these nogoodnicks would rather get into a fight with an inkeeper's mistress than watch back to back episodes of CSI: Prestwich on a 42" plasma screen.

Formed following the demise of Toga-wearing Time Bandits fans Two Speed, Robert "Og" Carrot and Jasper "Wally" Powell took their bass and drums and sat by the river, hoping inspiration would waft by. After a little while they noticed a bizarre man hunting around along the riverside, acting in all honesty as if he was a mudlarker. The rhythm section quickly took to talk to this new chap and he explained it all started when he was all for his GCSE history project on the World's Worst Jobs. Oh, how he sighed, if only somebody could do a Sunday evening programme on the World's Worst Job, mildly entertaining and informative, then he could just use that as research. As it was, he had to ferret around in silt and worse mess looking for some coins. After a while, though, he came to enjoy the life of a mudlark, particularly the larking part as well as -on occasion- the mud part.

Robert and Jasper realised that they could use this kind of nonsense for their act, if maybe only they selected another period in history which didn't require being covered in excrement. Sure enough, they found in the British Library a selection of Elizabethan dramas so exciting and naughty that they could barely contain themselves. They were going to become cant speaking, penny nicking, barfight instigating Elizabethan thieves.

Finding a guitarist ready to step into a ready-made band was not a particularly hard job. Frank "Sewell" Cottam was lazy and suggestible even for a guitarist. He had once been convinced by local children to sit in a bath filled with red noses for two hours in the hope of meeting Hale and Pace. This was obviously a prank and Cottam only got to meet Cannon and Ball, who the children had managed to book by offering their manager the taxi fare home. Cottam was drafted in and made to wear the tightest knee-length socks money could buy.

The Purloin's first album, "Groatsworth of Wit" followed the life and death of author Robert Greene (1558-1592), especially in comparison to the (in their eyes) hopelessly inferior life of Robert Greene (b. 1959), the author of books, including planned work with 50 Cent. A normal song would start with some era-accurate keyboard playing (described by at least one critic as being "strongly virginal") followed by a cacophony of clanking guitars, bass and most of the time some drums. The band aesthetics really came into the fold and Powell would often be found looking at himself in the mirror instead of keeping beat. Eschewing the Internet in favour of individually inked pamphlets, the group became a hit in parts of London where that kind of thing is accepted as somehow legitimate.

Their live and on-record personas started to take flight and they were barely seen out of costume. Were it not for the pettiness of their misdemeanors (and the saving grace of inflation and decimalisation) the band may have found themselves in prison long before the second album came out; they would often pickpocket locals and steal one or two pence, declaring it a "Kings Ransom", before running off to the alehouse to ask what they would get for it. When they were informed, in slightly more colourful language, that they could not receive much for twopence, they often muttered some nonsense about price increasing due to the King of Spain's massing Flotilla, doffed their filthy cap at any ladies present and left the building.

The second album, "Hautboy" pushes the boundaries of what a group of people in their mid twenties can achieve by acting like prats. They hired the whole Early Music Ensemble from The University of Cheam to play clapping games. This was supposedly to highlight Elizabethan rhythmic devices. Whilst the Ensemble were eating their lunch the band ran off with the more expensive instruments. They hid in a skip and were collected by some fellow rotters who assisted them in spiriting the instruments away for the Greater London area. Having a full set of Elizabethan instruments made Hautboy much more musically gratifying, even if the band were not experts at playing them. It also allowed them to use the line on their press kit that no instrument on the album had been designed after 1592. The press love that kind of crap and the album went straight in at number 3. Cheam never did get their instruments back, a botched recovery mission lead to the deaths of 3 paratroopers and a slightly bent crumhorn. Eventually it was decided to call in the insurers, who instigated a cover-up.

Sadly, Cottam was stabbed through the eye in what was at the time reported to be an assassination attempt connected to his international espionage. Recent research has suggested that this was more likely a bar fight over who was to pay the tab. The band never recovered and have not written a note together since. Although Cottam survived, his near-death experience pushed him towards greater independence and self-control, making the centre of the group fall apart around him.

Carrot and Powell are engaged in talks with 50 cent in order to publish a book about comparative life on the streets in the 1580s and present.