If it's Border Collies in the general Llandudno area you are looking for, see this site. For brash, haughty brass stylings read on...Rarely has so much been owed by so many to so few. Never more so was that so irrelevant than when considering The Llandudno Border Colliers.
Like most colliery bands the group were an unassuming 30 strong troupe of young local men. Unlike most colliery bands not one member of the group had ever experienced the harsh, relentless reality of chipping away at a coal seam - underground or open cast. The ever controversial Border Colliers were formed in 1913 by the local government as a recreational activity for the workers in the local coal mines. Looking back now it seems surprising that the Council were so slow to realise that the mining community was not well established in Llandudno. This was of course mainly due to the complete absence of coal within a 50 mile radius. Instead, and as a hastily conceived back up plan, the majority of the group were drawn from the employ of the local artificial ski slope - believe it or not the largest in the County Borough of Conwy. Skiing was the lifeblood of the Llandudno economy in the first decade of the 20th century. Indeed it was not only Llandudnites who were drawn to the ski centre, PM David Lloyd George himself was known to be quite a fan of the slippery slope.
With the idea for the group in place the Mayor of Llandudno designed a competition comprising three tests by which a conductor could be selected. The affair started out as simple test of who could hold a baton, who had seen a brass instrument before and who best fitted the suit they had had made. The competition was fierce, one thing led to another and things quickly descended into chaos. Two of the competitors challenged the rest of the group to a race to Paris by the means of motor carriage alone. The three that took up the challenge, who remain nameless in the annals of history, never returned. Six months later, of the original four, local busybody and general gadabout Stanley B Uppington was the only competitor still presumed alive. As if being more alive the then other competitors wasn't enough Uppington had to rely on his immediate family history to win him the coveted role. Uncle Jerry collected tickets on the buses and great-grandfather Gareth worked in the local electrical components factory manufacturing conductors. Uppington was taken on as a ringer at the ski slope and was immediately put in charge of goggles.
The 30 strong group were hand-picked by Uppington himself. Notable amongst his choices was E-flat Tuba which went to five year old shoe shine boy Owen Rhys-Owen and Flugelhorn which was placed in the young, inexperienced hands of one Cefin Van Aled, later of Welsh pirate rockers Peg Leg Ned. The first few years saw the group consolidated as they began to cover the popular songs of the day, including 'My Lass has a Lazy Eye for You', and their highly successful own magnum opus 'It's a Long Way to Llandudno Artificial Ski Incline and Entertainment Rotunda'.
As the First World War approached the members of the band were, one by one, called into service. The Llandudno Council publicly played down the impending conflict claiming it 'just a bit of a to-do' which would 'quickly blow over'. Instead, they acted in the way only they knew how - by continuing to service the ski-based needs of the North Walesian peoples. Of course, history came to prove the Llandudno council correct and within a matter of years all was forgotten. It wasn't long, however, before the group's existence came under threat yet again.
In 1939 Germany invaded Poland. The Colliers knew exactly how to deal with this sort of thing and it wasn't long before the 'Ski for Victory' campaign was launched. The Border Collier's songs became rallying calls for the lads over seas. The most popular was the catchily titled 'Ni shall baffio 'u i mewn 'r bantiau ag 'n brassy chwytha chyrn'. Which, for the non-Welsh speakers amongst you loosely translates as 'We Shall Fight them in the Valleys with our Brassy Blow Horns'. For those who do speak this, the most finest of ancient languages, we apologise. Whether brave conscientious objectors or cowardly brass bunglers is a matter of conjecture to this day. What is of course known is the success in helping to bring a quick end to the conflict through their 'Instruments for Skis' programme. Within months of the outbreak of the war over 56,000 instruments were melted down to make 10,000 pairs of skis. The skis were sent over to the 'brave lads' in France and as far afield as Belgium. You can just picture the scene as yet another pair of skis arrives at the trenches - enough to bring a tear to the most seasoned of battle hardened eyes.
The group continued with the original line up all the way through until 1972 when Stanley B Uppington died, aged 102. The band vowed to continue the work of the previous 60 years despite their increasing frailties and the loss of their mentor and inspiration.
In 1991 the Colliers became one of the many groups banned on the BBC Gulf War black list. They joined such misunderstood luminaries as Lulu ('Boom Bang a Bang' - banned 1991) and The Facist Badgers ('Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Them All' - banned 1992 to present). The group had recently bagged the top spot in the UK easy listening, adult mainstream and contemporary music charts with a collaboration with Welsh music messiah Tom Jones. The song, a rough cut of Tom's later hit 'Sex Bomb', was banned due to its blatant and explicit references to both sex and bombs and possibly also sex with bombs. Weekly light entertainment music magazine show Top of the Pops refused to play the 'hate filled three minute militaria orgy' and filed for an all out BBC ban.
It wasn't until 2001 that the group returned to our screens, as the BBC ban was temporarily lifted. The group were offered their chance for absolution and redemption, as should always be the case one would like to think (unless of course you are talking about Ron Atkinson). The occasion was 'An Evening With New Order' with Jools Holland hosting, as part of his hit tv show 'Later With Jools Holland'. The diminutive, fawning and all out 'boogie-woogie-ing' host, almost soiled his undergarments as the the group marched on, stage right, playing back-up for 'World in Motion'. And yes, as you might have expected, the John Barnes rap was replaced with a zesty Euphonium solo. Public confidence was restored in the group, the song went straight in at number one and once again the band were doing their bit for brass and country.
As with most bands of their ilk the Border Colliers made their name through recreating the popular hits of the day to varying degrees of success. This continued right up until the late 1990s. Ever the innovators they came up with a brassy, instrumental re-working of Primal Scream's 'Swastika Eyes' (performed at the Proms in 1998 no less) and a cheeky re-working of Bob Marley's 'Llandudno Woman, No Cry'. More recently the group set out to undertake a complete brass reworking of the Beastie Boys back catalogue.
None of the group have been seen in public since their heroic 1998 Proms performance. Some say the relentless hounding of the paparazzi had finally taken its toll, others that they are simply so old that people just can't see them any more. One would hope that they will return someday. Maybe next time the country is in apparent danger, like an imminent England exit from a World Cup, or perhaps just when another comedy dictator wants to rule the world. Either way you can bet your brass that The Llandudno Border Colliers will there blowing their hearts out and skiing for victory once again.
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