#32- The Fort Police

What do you think of when you hear the words "garage music"? Perhaps you think of Apple's attempt to take anyone who owns a mac and turn them into someone you have not heard of? Perhaps your first thought is of UK Garage? We're sorry if your first thought is of UK Garage. We really are.

But perhaps you are thinking of the genre of garage music, of teenagers struggling to sound like Bo Diddley. If so then we have a story to tell you; and if you were honest, you'd tell us that you have not heard it before.

Have you ever visited West Germany? If you're an American, the answer will probably be: only when I was serving in the Army in the 60s. Of every 10 Americans serving in the US Army in the 1960s, 9.76 of the spent some time in West Germany. And 2.82 of them tried to run away rather than get posted to Vietnam. How do you try and stop vast swathes of fit young trained soldiers escape barracks? You call the Military Police!

3 of the military policemen tasked with preventing anyone cheesing it were Frank Sutton, Roy Stuart and Ted Bessell. They would search high and low for escapees, deserters or other ne'erdowells and only stop when they had caught their man. Or so it appeared to their commanding officers. In actual fact, Sutton, Stuart and Bessell were involved in quite a large amount of assisting people from fleeing the army into rural Germany and assisting their flight to constitutionally chicken Canada. They had to take the occasional one back, and drive around for days looking like they were looking for someone, but they were most certainly part of the informal group of people able to assist conchies in avoiding the horror of Vietnam era Vietnam.

In their long afternoons driving around in their Army jeep, pretending to look for deserters the MPs discussed ice cream, home made pie and the music they all enjoyed. As they were riding together they realised that perhaps they could form an influential rhythm group that melded percussive strumming with layabout antics. They just had the remainder of their tours to serve first.

Honourably discharged in 1966, the band got to Great Britain just in time to assist Pickles the dog in finding the Jules Rimet trophy. Deciding to keep their names out of the spotlight for the time-being, the band agreed to let Pickles take all the credit. (Pickles died some years later in a freak cat-chasing incident. The band attended his funeral along with his owner, David Crobett, and Saint, but not Greavsie.) Following a short stay in Oggsford the band took themselves to Alberta, where they were able to link up with their old Deserter networks and hire practise space for less than a nickel an hour.

The first album, "Storebror" played on the paranoia of the late 60s American underground. The band attempted to describe the government as both corrupt, formidable and incompetent. Their argument seemed to say that the government was not above extreme nastiness to it's own citizens, it just wasn't really able to carry through on it or clean the mess up afterwards. Musically, the album sounds like how a buzz cut must be experienced by a louse, with fast and repetitive two-chord movements getting louder and quieter and louder again. The Canadian general public (who by this time were a minority considering the number of draft dodgers in the area) generally did not interact with the band and the audiences were mainly young, American, morally forthright (or downright cowardly) and rich.

A second album, "Shelled on the Tips of Fingers" saw the band encouraging other people to come and join those already in Canada, ostensibly to avoid the draft but more probably so that their live shows could be even more packed. By this point the Canadian government had had had enough. The band were sent packing over the border, choosing to be deported to Alaska rather than arrested as soon as they hit the mainland. It must also be remembered that Alaska has a very narrow maritime border with a foreign country, Russia. Sensing that this may be their way to get out of the States as soon as possible, the band did actually try to cross the Bering Straight. Indeed, they made it across the Straight only to find out that Russia is a freaking huge country and they could not actually get anywhere approaching a city without months more walking. The band walked back along the Straight and decided to drop anchor in Archorage.

Settling into the lives of American iconoclasts, the band continued to find an outlet for their strum-heavy brand of political activism. Some 17 albums, of mixed and declining quality have since been released. The band are still considered fugitives in the mainland United States and John Rich has personally declared that he will punch them in the nose if he ever gets the chance. Surprisingly, Alaska doesn't care much for mainland rules and the band are free to move about and gig in such interesting places as Trapper Creek, Healy and Anderson. They don't go much further up Alaska Route 3, for fear that they may inadvertently end up Eileson Air Force Base. The rumour is that the Military Police is not what it once was.

#31- Save Britain's Heritage v No 1 Poultry Ltd

Which Dick said "Let's kill all the lawyers"?

The honest answer is that we don't know. All Shakespeare gave us is "Dick" and as there were a few guys named Richard around at the time we can't be clear which one it was. Whoever it was, he had not heard of the next band YOU have not heard of: Save Britain's Heritage v No. 1 Poultry Ltd.

Law school is boring and repetitive. You learn some facts, you spew them out on parchment, you have a shower. Most trainee lawyers get themselves through it by thinking of all the gold and jewels they will get in this life and the next, when they will enter law heaven. However, our heroes today would not have any gilden trappings of this now or in the future. They were going to be legal aid and Social Security lawyers, testing their toughness and preparedness of mind against Yvette Cooper and her department of DWP legal eagles in a fight to the lunchtime.

Originally, Richard DeVere had tried to become successful in music through the medium of the law gag one hit wonder. The idea was every lawyer would be enthralled by the song long enough to buy it, and if every lawyer in the country bought the song then it would go straight to number 1. Some blame the concept, although others suggest it was the song he chose, but Mr Baumbastic -a tale of love, loss and entitlement to extended rights due to connection with an education authority gained whilst other rights were being exercised- was not purchased by even 1% of the law community. Saddened by this, DeVere decided to foment an alliance with some of his classmates and make a concept album about the only subject that mattered to him at the time.

DeVere hand-picked everyone in his year that could play an instrument: Audrey fforbes-Hamilton tinkled the ivories, Marjory Frobisher blew on an aerophone, Brabinger did whatever came naturally and Brigadier Lemington OBE (real name Arthur Sharp) played the bongos with vigour. Their union was to be for only one album and one album only: TV on the Bookio. The concept relied on the difference in legal status caused by the divergent outcomes of the book and television series of Tracy Beaker.

In the book "The Story Tracy Beaker" the protagonist was fostered by Cam Lawson, meaning that any care order in place over her remains. This does not necessarily mean that the fostering would end at any point if this continued to be seen as successful. However, in the TV version, in what DeVeres described as "a happy-go-lucky attempt by Social Services to discharge their duty of care in a haphazard and unhelpful way," Tracy is adopted by Cam and her new husband Gary.

The album begins with "13, 14, 16", a slow and meditative opener explaining the main legal point of their argument:
"13 weeks before you're fourteen,
and one day after your sixteenth,
then you'd get so much help, love
and care, care, care in the world."

After setting their legal stall they explained, blisteringly and through the use of Gregorian noise-flute that "Tracy Beaker was Born Innocent." From this point on the album manages to list many of the things being seen as a relevant child or former relevant child would entitle Tracy Beaker to after the age of 16:

• Full assistance until the age of 18 with all financial and housing costs if required,
• Fees, living and housing costs whilst in full time further and higher education,
• A Pathway Plan and designated worker to assist in times of need both practically and financially,
  
• Extra duty under the Housing Act 1996 (Amended 2002 and by Priority Needs Order 2001) due to vulnerability caused by being in care, and
  
• An exemption from the shared room rent condition for Housing Benefit in private properties, allowing the one bedroom rate to be paid to a single person.

up until she was 21, or older if she remained in full time education. Sweet.

But -the band said- she was robbed of this, and for what? For a change in legal status that made little difference in the long run and provided an unassailable panacea (incorrectly pronounced on the album as pancetta) for the suffering real little children currently in Social Care. The band attest that the best thing was for Cam to foster Tracy in the long term, at least until Tracy is 16 and an eligible child. The BBC, the band decided had erred badly.

The BBC have repeatedly failed to comment on the album, or even mention it. Rumours are rife that a number of executive researchers are looking for new jobs after failing to notice the legal issues underlying the problem and Andrew Marr himself is considering coming out in favour of the band's suggestion, if only Terry Wogan will back him. Protests on the streets are becoming louder and more threatening and the BBC is promising to release their own version of the Praetorian Guard (Barry Chuckle and Jim from EastEnders) in order to quell the riots.

This is not over yet.

You Have Not Heard - The Book!

The internet sensation that has taken South Korea and Uruguay by storm is set to be released as a paperback! Great!

You will be able to join with us as we recall once again some of the greatest acts that never quite found fame, including such luminaries as The LLandudno Border Colliers, Dismissive Missive, The Gaffer Tapes and more!

Along the way we hope to answer such questions as:

-Why do birds suddenly appear?
-What is the world record for capuchin monkeys wearing trousers?
-What is Bono's favourite colour?

The crickets are already calling it THE paperback release about bands that You Have Not Heard of 2009. You can guarantee that someone somewhere will rate it at least three thumbs up out of fourteen.

It's coming. You can't stop it. You may not want it but you will buy it. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll get that thing where a little bit of sick comes up.

Contains approximately 0.5% new material.

#30 Widget

Who knew that robots would ever amount to so much? After all, their school reports were always so mediocre... "Little Robby understands the practical applications of metaphysics, and has an appreciation for the Renaissance painters, but has a tendency to torment his fellow pupils before blasting them with his ray gun eyes". "Mickey tries hard but can sometimes go a bit 'HAL9000'. When I asked him to sit down and be quiet he said - 'I know you and Frank are planning to seat me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen'. I don't even know who Frank is". Distraught teachers aside, nowadays we rely on tiny robots to practically run our lives. Not only that, but little Robby's great great grandson's brains now power my waffle iron. Amazing!

If 'Batteries Not Included' taught us one thing it's that if your apartment building is about to be torn down by faceless corporate America you can rely on robots from outerspace to lend you a helping hand. And if that, and toasting waffles is all they ever achieve, they can power down happy. But wait! Here we have a robot who made a name for himself in the world of music. A robot who tore up the user manual and dared to press 'Control Alt Funk'.

The Dave Matthews Band, Van Halen, and The Barry Manilow Experience. Everyone knows that the greatest bands are named after their lead singer. The band Widget were no exception, taking their name from main protagonist Widget 2000. The band consisted Widget on all instruments and six Servers at the University of California which ensured Widget kept in time, tune and within legal levels of decibels. For all intents and purposes Widget was a computer chip inside a large box. Despite this, he was a dashing young android with the computing power of two and a half Carol Vodermans, and the looks of a robot James Dean. Widget was originally designed by professors at the University of California, having been commissioned by the Secretary of Defence. He was going to be the next big thing in human cyborg relations - a cold merciless killing machine. But, just like Vin Diesel and 1980s Action Man, he had a beautiful singing voice. It was this that saved him from a life of time, grime and war crimes. Having been fitted with one of the earliest form of artificial intelligence he quickly developed complex self awareness and could even tell the difference between some reds and greens, despite being colour blind.

The band were nurtured by the professors at UCLA and encouraged to produce music. Widget's combined relay protocol transfer system networking capabilities made them the most prolific song writers in the business. By the end of their career they had produced over thirty five thousand albums. The most noteworthy include:

Binary and Finery
Mean Machine
I, Widget
Cyborg Relations
By-Onyx
Mega Bits/Mega Bucks! (The Best Of)
01101001011011100010000001110100
0110100001100101001000000110001
0011000010110001001111001001000
0001101101011000010110101101100
1010111001001110011001000000110
0010011000010110001001111001
Rickypedia (Edit Him At Your Peril (Cos He Has Laser Gun Knees))
Raindrops and Petticoats
Automaton Love
Eh? Aye!
I love 01011001 01001000 01001110 01001000

They have been so productive that instead of a year of release, each title is given a time and date of release. In one night alone the septet had written, recorded and mastered twelve thousand songs. Seminal work "The Appliance of Violence", which hit the charts at 4:05am on 15 March 1972, is their magnum opus. It charts Widget 2000's early battles with current abuse and domestic violence. The sounds he emitted from his tonebox on this album were without doubt some of the freshest, tastiest bytes ever produced. Their live performances were their tour de force. A Widget gig was sort of like playing a Spectrum ZX with your eyes closed, without touching any buttons and whilst standing next to a hundred or so other people wearing 'I Heart Linux' and 'Jobs for President' t-shirts doing exactly the same.

Wheeled onto stage by burly roadies he would sit centre stage, with the Servers appearing on big screens behind him. San Antonio 12 May 1978. The finest gig to ever feature a robot performer live linked to to the rest of his band. Widget busted out a superb blend of classics, new songs and an acoustic half hour that drained the milliamps for a radius of three miles. "Is everybody feeling adequately entertained and refreshed?" Widget quipped (he always had a great rapport with his fans). "My memory circuits are telling me that you have provided satisfactory levels of appreciation tonight. For that my pleasure unit is thankful". It was then, during his fifth encore that he broke out the Ms Pacman theme. Well, what can you say to that. It wasnt until primates started throwing barrels and foxes started piloting sophisticated spacecraft in the 80s that geeks would again wet themselves in unison with such aplomb.

At their height Widget regularly appeared in the popular Computer and Robotics periodicals of the day and could count Dolly Parton and Donald Trump amongst their famous fans. However, by the end of the 70s Widget's antics became more bizarre as the power went to his head. Central to the problems was his relationship with hot to trot celebrity of the day - Deep Blue. Believe it or not IBM were happy for their protégé to date Widget. They felt it was healthy for two young brilliant minds to want to do what they computed appropriate. Widget rejected the suggestion that the relationship was a publicity stunt at the couples fifth vow renewal. Despite this it wasn't long after that they declared themselves "incompatible". Rumour has it that that a dashing young Russian named Gary Kasparov had come between them. Two days after the public break-up, whilst on stage in San Fransisco, Widget declared himself king of all Transformers. He managed to bend himself into the shape of a unicorn riding a panda before short circuiting. It was the beginning of the end for Widget the band. The Servers were getting angsty at not being able to be present at their gigs, and motioned for a change of name to 'Widget and the Servers'. Truth be told they just wanted a piece of the Parton.

On 17 December 1982 Widget was pronounced obsolete - beyond patching and after they realised defragging really wasn't doing anything. Widget may be long gone but his memory lives on (it was the only salvageable part of him). The Servers continue to make music to this day as a six piece Barbershop Quartet. Just weeks after he powered down it was released that he had a particularly virulent Trojan - probably introduced by USB stick whilst his firewall was down. Gary Kasparov - I'm looking at you here.

So, each time you put on an audio disc, play Space Invaders at your local arcade or boot up your BBC Micro just remember - there is a little bit of Widget in there. Who knows, one day there may even be a full motion robot band whose metallic, boxy, warblings will have us getting our old LPs out and saying "you do know that they are just a Widget rip off son?". In the mean time if it is monotone tunes devoid of emotion you are after you may have to stick the next best thing. The new Athlete album is out in September.

#29 Fingers Like Fish

It's pretty hard to be legitimate when you've been sold out in childhood. Just ask Fergie; she had to go from being on American TV to joining the the royal family to do whatever it is she does now. The next band that You have Not Heard of tried to mark a similar trajectory but -as ever on this site- it turned out to be a pronounced parabola, as gravity's rainbow took it's toll once more.

We all know Captain Crowsfeet fish fingers: "Get your fishy fishy fingers and stick 'em in your face, don't let the cameras see you, or there'll be a disgrace." And of course we all remember the adverts, where our whiskered Captain would chase a group of children around an island and then reveal his "treasure", which happily turned out to be some fish fingers and not anything else.

Five of the children chased around the island were Cecelia Bloom, Hillary Essex, Sammy Pinkers, Iris Myandowski and Julie Burrows. Most of these young children had not really been asked or allowed to contemplate whether or not they wanted to be thrust into the spotlight. Their parents had always just assumed they wanted to be famous and didn't care how that happened. Whether this is true or not, after a couple of years on The Captain's Ship (and indeed, for Pinkers, on the Captain's Table) the children wanted nothing more than to be done with celebrity and fame.

But how does one redeem oneself? Is there any penance or indulgence possible for you to overcome the tainting process of blanket advertising? Could they waltz past pictures of their own faces in order to gain entrance to the back door of a toilet gig-house? Would they be courted by A&R people wanting to feed off their story into multi-platinum soul-free recordings? Would the Captain make a comeback to show them the rest of his treasure? To answer those questions, yes, yes and no, because he's fictional. But then yes.

Sure, not selling out was very hard. They had people trying to sign them before the gigs even took place, not having heard anything. Of course the back story was very easy to write into a press release and the media kit probably makes itself if left unattended for any length of time. The band had to try so hard not to get signed that they would avoid putting their name on anything, travelling under pseudonyms (would you believe, they used sit-com character names!) and avoiding all hand-based communication with the deaf. Eventually they succumbed to the sweet sweet soothings of indie-nerd label MUGAdeath. The label was known for its open ended contracts and that all of the business operations were conducted under a metal basketball net, which was itself in front of a soccer goal and next to some fixed cricket stumps with no bail. Here the band signed and their music was set to be produced, distributed and, who knows, perhaps even listened to.

The band hit the studio and the studio did not know what hit it. It was the band. 11 breezy, sweet, densely written songs were recorded in a little over 3 days. Someone at the record company suggested calling the genre applecore, but that had apparently already been done. Eventually they decided to call the genre Macawcore, as Essex's vocals matched that of a restless screeching bird. The album lyrics and title "Fortress of Solitude, Fortress of Peenemünd", referred to the band's constant insistence that scientific discoveries had a value on their own, unconnected with the way in which those discoveries are used. Self-elected social commentators have stated that perhaps the band were doing this in order to salvage their acting reputations from the grips of Captain Crowsfeet. Other social commentators have said that's just silly.

By the second album, "HyperHysterical Realism" the band were disintegrating fast. Recording in different rooms, using different demo tapes and recording different songs, the band managed to create an air of cogency through the production of Masso Much, who was lucky enough to hear music very, very well. Few people agreed and it sold fewer units than The Captain's Cod Conkers, a nutty brew of farm-grown fish and horse-chesnuts.

The band are in talks with the Captain for a reunion tour. Their dreams of artistic independence lie in tatters and all parties agree that everyone's careers can only be saved by an unholy reunion. A new generation will now find where he keeps his treasure. We can only hope he hasn't moved it.

#28 Tawdry Hepburn

Hillbilly rock, hillbilly roll, stand in line and away we go.... Away we go that is to the The Ear Nose and Throat Museum of Amsterdam. The unlikely setting for the genesis of a four piece US girl band you might think. And you would be wrong. It all makes sense when you get to know a little bit more about Tawdry Hepburn...

Now don't get confused. We are not talking about the cockney B*Witched with guitars - Hepburn here. There are marked differences between the two. Whilst Hepburn would say - "'Ello guv'nor. Oi just got apples and pears down me ole dicky dirt oi did". Tawdry Hepburn would be all like; "Look-ie here mister. I be sayin that you be headin' fo' a hidin' from one of them po-lice". Besides, our four piece girl group have probably never heard of the UK's Hepburn or, wait for it, even B*Witched. I know, I know! As you can no doubt guess from the southern drawl Tawdry Hepburn are a four piece girl group from Birmingham, Alabama where the men look like women and the women look like ZZ Top. Population 229,800.

Despite being in the deep south, Birmingham Alabama is, in alot of ways, sort've like Birmingham, UK. It has an airport - just like Birmingham UK. It has a population of both men and women just like Birmingham, UK. Birmingham, UK is affectionately called the Black Country whilst deep south Birmingham.... er.... that's probably where the similarity ends.

The two sets of twin girls (Laine, Blane, Jayne and Bobbie-Jo Leigh) were brought up in the US city until the age of 13. It was at that age that the problems started, problems with paperbacks that is. Apparently the young tearaways would enlist the help of their fellow classmates (forced or otherwise) into recreating some of children's literature's finest moments. Fine, you might think. Children should get more out of books, you might think. I can't even begin to tell you how many goats perished in a rather ambitious re-creation of Heidi. On another occasion they broke into the local zoo taking class punch bag Randal McShuttlecock with them dressed as a poor old washer woman, in search of a vole and a badger. Forget Grand Theft Auto, Kenneth Graham has a lot to answer for.

With their children facing serious charges of endangering a goat under the influence and demeaning a male otter with intent, their parents decide to move to Amsterdam to start a new life with all four daughters in tow. They had heard great things about the Dutch capital - a city of culture and history with no Randal McShuttlecock and, possibly more importantly, no otters.

The band's parents found gainful employment in the local library. They were perfectly placed to head of any future 'mishaps' with their daughters. When no one was looking they would secretly remove all the copies of Black Beauty and Gulliver's Travels. In some cases they would look for sections which could easily be turned into impromptu drama skits and would blank them out with a marker pen.

By the age of seventeen the girls all had a weekend job at Amsterdam's premier ear nose and throat museum - The Ear Nose and Throat Museum of Amsterdam. Blaine covered the section devoted to ears, Laine noses and Jayne throats. Bobbie-Jo worked in the gift shop on account of her 'purdy disposition'. After just three months Bobbie-Jo had had her fill of selling novelty ear-rasers and nose pencil sharpeners and, together with her sisters, planned a walkout. It was a particularly bad day at the office - Laine was dressed as a nose, Blaine an ear and Jayne as the lower pharynx. They requested a meeting with their manager Ronald VanRutgers. "Lookie ear Mr Ronald - we've had enough of this and we nose you nose that we have". They had clearly worked there too long and were also suffering severe literature deprivation. "You will just have to spell esophagus without us" they retorted and stormed out in a flurry of orifice paraphernalia.

It seemed that their early dreams of a life teaching Amsterdammers about the joys of the eustachian tube were not quite what they imagined. Their reaction? To form a pop rock, dixie inspired girl group that would mix good ole fashioned hoity-toity ho-downs with a riot of indie punk which quickly became known as Hick-rock. The Dutch loved Tawdry Hepburn as one of their own. This is hardly surprising when you consider that 'Dutch music' is possibly the greatest of all oxymorons. The only notable exception is the popsters responsible for the theme tune to hit tv show 'Friends' -The Rembrants. Who else is there? Contrary to popular belief the Cardigans were actually from the Nicaragua and Golden Earring were just rubbish. The Dutch dedication and protection of this group goes a long way to explaining why You Have Not Heard of this redneck quartet.

The girls played in Amsterdam bars on a Friday night whipping up quite a following. They were spotted by an industry whizz from Irate Puppy Records, whosigned them up on the spot. Their first single Moonshine Micky went straight in at number one in the Dutch pop charts. In March 1998 their first album 'Formaldahide Your Love From Me' was released to critical acclaim. Their label managed to book them into a slot on hit Dutch music TV show 'Wau! Pop!'. Host Jaap VanHeerenveen took to them immediately and it was on his advice that that try and break the American market.

Leaving their parents back in the 'Dam they moved triumphantly back to Birmingham in 1999. Not satisfied with becoming Birmingham Alabama's greatest export since the original Birmingham was exported to the US over nine hundred years ago the girls returned to conquer the states. Despite initial interest from the public the girls have made very little impact since returning home ten years ago, but they still play every Friday night at Randy Jo's Bar. Laine has six children (five of which may be hers). Blaine has joined some sort of clan thingmy her boyfriend runs - she's not sure if it's really for her, but she likes to keep busy. Jayne and Bobbie-Jo have set up their own musical detective agency. Their first job was to foil an operation in which Mexicans were being brought into the states inside the stomachs of live cows. It turns out it was local law official OfficerJackson all along. "And i wud've gotta away with it if it weren't for your pesky riffs" he retorted rather pugnaciously. Linedance your way out of that one Officer!

So, what is left for this fearsome foursome? Well they have only ever really had one dream - to one day emulate the success of their hero Miley Ray Cyrus (wife and sister of "achey brakey" Billy Bob Thornton). Who knows one day they may just make it.

Hillbillies eh? What's all that about?

#27 Born Again, Dead Again

Leeds Corn Exchange. Two things you think you'd assume from the name is:

1. You'd be able to buy food,
2. Said food will be sold at wholesale prices.

Until recently, you'd be wrong about the first point. You were not able to buy food at Leeds Corn Exchange unless you ate it in the cafe. The place was a rough and ready youth-centred shopping arcade, selling jokey t-shirts, canvas prints and humorous postcards. To compliment this an increasingly large group of Goths used to hang around outside, trying to summon up the courage to go in and ask for a t-shirt that said "Nobody Known I'm a Plebian" or "The Penguins are not responsible for my Sanity" or indeed anything you could get on a t-shirt that Sandi Thom hadn't stolen and make crap by association.

Then the bankers came along and turned the Corn Exchange into a food emporium. This means the food is not cheap at all. They turfed out the current tenants and convinced most of the Goths to go away and leave them to tuck into their steak tartare in peace. Thus a large, migratory group of mostly wholesome young people set about finding somewhere they could hang without formality. This became challenge of practically biblical proportions, when the Goths found that no-one else wanted them. Indeed, at only one location was hanging around outside in large numbers acceptable to the other people nearby. That place was the Family Planning Clinic.

When the latter-day wanders arrived they were greeted by cheers, handed placards and ginger cake and asked to sign about 40 petitions. They did this with glee and gamely held the placards whilst maintaining their normal activities of talking, playing unamplified electric guitar and smoking roll-ups.

Eventually though, they had to justify to themselves why they were standing outside an abortion clinic. They were lucky to have one of the best Goth philosophers in all Christendom with them. Darkcartes took three gruelling weeks to graft pro-life sensibilities onto Goth's overriding philosophy. His argument started with the lemma that the goal of existence for Goths was to choose to feel suffering.

§ Choosing to embrace rather than repudiate suffering sets the Goths apart from other people.
§ Suffering at it's most extreme is represented by the thought of hell.
§ The ultimate Goth ambition is to embrace the suffering of hell.
§ Physical pain and cruelty cannot in-themselves create suffering.
§ Pain, death and other forms of physical intervention relieve suffering rather than continue it.

Conclusion 1: Goths prefer life to death.

§ Life includes talking, thinking, holding and maintaining the concept of physical pain and death.
§ One cannot be a Goth until you have chosen to embrace suffering and the thought of pain.
§ You cannot decide whether to embrace suffering until you have been born.

Conclusion 2: Foetuses cannot be Goths.

§ A person needs to choose whether they embrace suffering in order to have successfully lived.

Conclusion 3: Foetuses should not be denied the choice to be Goths.

Conclusion 4: Abortion prevents the choice of conclusion 3 and is therefore wrong.

Darkcartes also stated that "If you wake up one day and you have a tennis player attached to you, and the doctors tell you it's going to last for 9 months, then think how much suffering that's going to cause. Their going to go on and on about their backhand and how much training they're going to have to do and whether they'll ever be good enough for their overbearing father and on and on and bleeding well on. Well, you can just imagine the suffering you're going to go through for 9 months. Lucky guy!"

Now what the heck does this have to with bands? Well, 4 of the assorted dark-rockers took the philosophy of Darkcartes and put it to music. The resulting album "Darkness of the Womb" was a moderate success amongst their friends. It's unfair to call it drone metal; they just didn't know how to turn the amplifiers down.

Normal Service Will Resume Shortly

We're sorry. There has been some busy-ness of late and neither of us have been able to post about bands You have Not Heard.

Specifically; I have been standing in the European elections and the last few days have required heavy campaigning. As a member of The Christian English Workers Socialist-Democratic Liberal Tory Lib-Lab Natural Law and Order (Special Victim's Unit) (George Galloway) Party my work has been cut out, arguing with the good people of this country that we should be in, out, all about and leading Europe by the nose.

Tom has been recovering from an illness he'd prefer me not to mention by name. Rest assured, penicillin cures it right up in no time at all. Thank goodness we live in the 21st Century!