Which Dick said "Let's kill all the lawyers"?The honest answer is that we don't know. All Shakespeare gave us is "Dick" and as there were a few guys named Richard around at the time we can't be clear which one it was. Whoever it was, he had not heard of the next band YOU have not heard of: Save Britain's Heritage v No. 1 Poultry Ltd.
Law school is boring and repetitive. You learn some facts, you spew them out on parchment, you have a shower. Most trainee lawyers get themselves through it by thinking of all the gold and jewels they will get in this life and the next, when they will enter law heaven. However, our heroes today would not have any gilden trappings of this now or in the future. They were going to be legal aid and Social Security lawyers, testing their toughness and preparedness of mind against Yvette Cooper and her department of DWP legal eagles in a fight to the lunchtime.
Originally, Richard DeVere had tried to become successful in music through the medium of the law gag one hit wonder. The idea was every lawyer would be enthralled by the song long enough to buy it, and if every lawyer in the country bought the song then it would go straight to number 1. Some blame the concept, although others suggest it was the song he chose, but Mr Baumbastic -a tale of love, loss and entitlement to extended rights due to connection with an education authority gained whilst other rights were being exercised- was not purchased by even 1% of the law community. Saddened by this, DeVere decided to foment an alliance with some of his classmates and make a concept album about the only subject that mattered to him at the time.
DeVere hand-picked everyone in his year that could play an instrument: Audrey fforbes-Hamilton tinkled the ivories, Marjory Frobisher blew on an aerophone, Brabinger did whatever came naturally and Brigadier Lemington OBE (real name Arthur Sharp) played the bongos with vigour. Their union was to be for only one album and one album only: TV on the Bookio. The concept relied on the difference in legal status caused by the divergent outcomes of the book and television series of Tracy Beaker.
In the book "The Story Tracy Beaker" the protagonist was fostered by Cam Lawson, meaning that any care order in place over her remains. This does not necessarily mean that the fostering would end at any point if this continued to be seen as successful. However, in the TV version, in what DeVeres described as "a happy-go-lucky attempt by Social Services to discharge their duty of care in a haphazard and unhelpful way," Tracy is adopted by Cam and her new husband Gary.
The album begins with "13, 14, 16", a slow and meditative opener explaining the main legal point of their argument:
"13 weeks before you're fourteen,
and one day after your sixteenth,
then you'd get so much help, love
and care, care, care in the world."
After setting their legal stall they explained, blisteringly and through the use of Gregorian noise-flute that "Tracy Beaker was Born Innocent." From this point on the album manages to list many of the things being seen as a relevant child or former relevant child would entitle Tracy Beaker to after the age of 16:
- Full assistance until the age of 18 with all financial and housing costs if required,
- Fees, living and housing costs whilst in full time further and higher education,
- A Pathway Plan and designated worker to assist in times of need both practically and financially,
- Extra duty under the Housing Act 1996 (Amended 2002 and by Priority Needs Order 2001) due to vulnerability caused by being in care, and
- An exemption from the shared room rent condition for Housing Benefit in private properties, allowing the one bedroom rate to be paid to a single person.
But -the band said- she was robbed of this, and for what? For a change in legal status that made little difference in the long run and provided an unassailable panacea (incorrectly pronounced on the album as pancetta) for the suffering real little children currently in Social Care. The band attest that the best thing was for Cam to foster Tracy in the long term, at least until Tracy is 16 and an eligible child. The BBC, the band decided had erred badly.
The BBC have repeatedly failed to comment on the album, or even mention it. Rumours are rife that a number of executive researchers are looking for new jobs after failing to notice the legal issues underlying the problem and Andrew Marr himself is considering coming out in favour of the band's suggestion, if only Terry Wogan will back him. Protests on the streets are becoming louder and more threatening and the BBC is promising to release their own version of the Praetorian Guard (Barry Chuckle and Jim from EastEnders) in order to quell the riots.
This is not over yet.
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