#28 Tawdry Hepburn

Hillbilly rock, hillbilly roll, stand in line and away we go.... Away we go that is to the The Ear Nose and Throat Museum of Amsterdam. The unlikely setting for the genesis of a four piece US girl band you might think. And you would be wrong. It all makes sense when you get to know a little bit more about Tawdry Hepburn...

Now don't get confused. We are not talking about the cockney B*Witched with guitars - Hepburn here. There are marked differences between the two. Whilst Hepburn would say - "'Ello guv'nor. Oi just got apples and pears down me ole dicky dirt oi did". Tawdry Hepburn would be all like; "Look-ie here mister. I be sayin that you be headin' fo' a hidin' from one of them po-lice". Besides, our four piece girl group have probably never heard of the UK's Hepburn or, wait for it, even B*Witched. I know, I know! As you can no doubt guess from the southern drawl Tawdry Hepburn are a four piece girl group from Birmingham, Alabama where the men look like women and the women look like ZZ Top. Population 229,800.

Despite being in the deep south, Birmingham Alabama is, in alot of ways, sort've like Birmingham, UK. It has an airport - just like Birmingham UK. It has a population of both men and women just like Birmingham, UK. Birmingham, UK is affectionately called the Black Country whilst deep south Birmingham.... er.... that's probably where the similarity ends.

The two sets of twin girls (Laine, Blane, Jayne and Bobbie-Jo Leigh) were brought up in the US city until the age of 13. It was at that age that the problems started, problems with paperbacks that is. Apparently the young tearaways would enlist the help of their fellow classmates (forced or otherwise) into recreating some of children's literature's finest moments. Fine, you might think. Children should get more out of books, you might think. I can't even begin to tell you how many goats perished in a rather ambitious re-creation of Heidi. On another occasion they broke into the local zoo taking class punch bag Randal McShuttlecock with them dressed as a poor old washer woman, in search of a vole and a badger. Forget Grand Theft Auto, Kenneth Graham has a lot to answer for.

With their children facing serious charges of endangering a goat under the influence and demeaning a male otter with intent, their parents decide to move to Amsterdam to start a new life with all four daughters in tow. They had heard great things about the Dutch capital - a city of culture and history with no Randal McShuttlecock and, possibly more importantly, no otters.

The band's parents found gainful employment in the local library. They were perfectly placed to head of any future 'mishaps' with their daughters. When no one was looking they would secretly remove all the copies of Black Beauty and Gulliver's Travels. In some cases they would look for sections which could easily be turned into impromptu drama skits and would blank them out with a marker pen.

By the age of seventeen the girls all had a weekend job at Amsterdam's premier ear nose and throat museum - The Ear Nose and Throat Museum of Amsterdam. Blaine covered the section devoted to ears, Laine noses and Jayne throats. Bobbie-Jo worked in the gift shop on account of her 'purdy disposition'. After just three months Bobbie-Jo had had her fill of selling novelty ear-rasers and nose pencil sharpeners and, together with her sisters, planned a walkout. It was a particularly bad day at the office - Laine was dressed as a nose, Blaine an ear and Jayne as the lower pharynx. They requested a meeting with their manager Ronald VanRutgers. "Lookie ear Mr Ronald - we've had enough of this and we nose you nose that we have". They had clearly worked there too long and were also suffering severe literature deprivation. "You will just have to spell esophagus without us" they retorted and stormed out in a flurry of orifice paraphernalia.

It seemed that their early dreams of a life teaching Amsterdammers about the joys of the eustachian tube were not quite what they imagined. Their reaction? To form a pop rock, dixie inspired girl group that would mix good ole fashioned hoity-toity ho-downs with a riot of indie punk which quickly became known as Hick-rock. The Dutch loved Tawdry Hepburn as one of their own. This is hardly surprising when you consider that 'Dutch music' is possibly the greatest of all oxymorons. The only notable exception is the popsters responsible for the theme tune to hit tv show 'Friends' -The Rembrants. Who else is there? Contrary to popular belief the Cardigans were actually from the Nicaragua and Golden Earring were just rubbish. The Dutch dedication and protection of this group goes a long way to explaining why You Have Not Heard of this redneck quartet.

The girls played in Amsterdam bars on a Friday night whipping up quite a following. They were spotted by an industry whizz from Irate Puppy Records, whosigned them up on the spot. Their first single Moonshine Micky went straight in at number one in the Dutch pop charts. In March 1998 their first album 'Formaldahide Your Love From Me' was released to critical acclaim. Their label managed to book them into a slot on hit Dutch music TV show 'Wau! Pop!'. Host Jaap VanHeerenveen took to them immediately and it was on his advice that that try and break the American market.

Leaving their parents back in the 'Dam they moved triumphantly back to Birmingham in 1999. Not satisfied with becoming Birmingham Alabama's greatest export since the original Birmingham was exported to the US over nine hundred years ago the girls returned to conquer the states. Despite initial interest from the public the girls have made very little impact since returning home ten years ago, but they still play every Friday night at Randy Jo's Bar. Laine has six children (five of which may be hers). Blaine has joined some sort of clan thingmy her boyfriend runs - she's not sure if it's really for her, but she likes to keep busy. Jayne and Bobbie-Jo have set up their own musical detective agency. Their first job was to foil an operation in which Mexicans were being brought into the states inside the stomachs of live cows. It turns out it was local law official OfficerJackson all along. "And i wud've gotta away with it if it weren't for your pesky riffs" he retorted rather pugnaciously. Linedance your way out of that one Officer!

So, what is left for this fearsome foursome? Well they have only ever really had one dream - to one day emulate the success of their hero Miley Ray Cyrus (wife and sister of "achey brakey" Billy Bob Thornton). Who knows one day they may just make it.

Hillbillies eh? What's all that about?