tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74962913315427271932024-03-13T20:09:07.298+00:00You Have Not HeardBands you may have missed, because they don't exist.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-80565820572692655272009-10-23T17:13:00.013+01:002009-10-23T17:49:26.274+01:00NEWSFLASH! Folking Facists?<span style="font-weight: bold;">OUTRAGE TONIGHT AS 'CHUDKINS TELLS BBC TO 'GO FOLK ITSELF'<br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/SuHdwSyynaI/AAAAAAAAAK8/iCPEFijPxUg/s1600-h/bbc.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 233px; height: 136px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/SuHdwSyynaI/AAAAAAAAAK8/iCPEFijPxUg/s400/bbc.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395837650314894754" border="0" /></a>You may remember that we featured a group by the name of Patch Chudkins as our second-ever band You Have Not Heard? Well, it seems that fears that our little trio were a little on the wrong side of right have proved probably founded, maybe.<br /><br />Following growing discontent amongst Stephen Fry that the band were in fact a musical front for the English KKK - BBC's Watchdog program launched an undercover expose on the the two surviving members of the band - Guthrie and Ruth Archibold. In an unparalleled act of cunning Watchdog stalwart Matt Allwright dressed up as a tree and surprised the pair at a National Front meeting in June. The group claim that Allwright was sent as a BBC lynch mob to bring the pair's career to an end over comments on camera regarding unsaid, unfounded and unproven truths (that were unprovenly unfounded and true). It has to be said that Allwright did not help the situation by appearing with a noose hanging from one of his branches. However, the expose brought an end to any likely comeback for the pair and came mere weeks after Guthrie's release from prison on licence. The band were due to release their next album in 2010 (working title - "Heading Through the GriffinDoor").<br /><br />Late last night and apparently in protest of Allwright's handiwork, the pair stormed into television centre demanding air time. One of the Dimbleby brothers, we cannot be sure which one at this stage, with the help of Jeremy Paxo, took them on in a two versus two, melee, tag team, cage fight showdown. We believe the Paxo-Dimbleby combo dispatched of both Archibold's, ending with a piledriver that caused Weather presenter Daniel Corbett to wet himself live on News24.<br /><br />The pair are currently being questioned by Police but are expected to make an official complaint against the BBC. The basis of the complaint is thought to centre around things they said that were true but have since become untrue, unsaid and slightly more acceptable in the public eye.<br /><br />The trial continues.Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-82699482888273188872009-09-20T09:36:00.006+01:002009-10-17T09:34:16.391+01:00#41- Nightwear<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/StmBaB6xCXI/AAAAAAAAAWA/f2aA2wvtioM/s1600-h/hippo_2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 250px; height: 250px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/StmBaB6xCXI/AAAAAAAAAWA/f2aA2wvtioM/s320/hippo_2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393484312944380274" border="0" /></a>Some people would regard this as a footnote, but we're interested in different stories to most people. In his otherwise forgettable book "The Outer Rim of Bohemia" Joe Grayshot described one night at the edge-of-the-city-centre apartment complex he lived at:<br /><br />"I was fumbling about on the settee, trying to move the remains of my speedball to flick the channel over. I didn't want to go all John Belushi but my head was fried and I needed to get away from Newsnight Review. Movement was not on the agenda. Bonnie Greer was shouting some spat about mother nature being a hobo in the Garden of Eden, I was trying to respond but she wasn't listening. The TV was -I had to remind myself- a one way device. A method for putting ideas in your head. A platform. I eventually made it to bed.<br /><br />"There was to be no rock'n'roll in my room that night. Fisticuffs were off the agenda and I wouldn't try to sneak them in under AOB. But upstairs the Silentnight due, Senor Hippo and Ms Bird were going at it hell for imperial leather. They certainly weren't coming up clean."<br /><br />Well, that kind of nonsensical Gonzo approach to writing certainly had it's fans at one point. Mainly people who thought writing involved vomiting on the nearest page and physically attacking anyone who dares to criticise them. But our concern is that Grayshot had inadvertently spoken about our next band, the next band you have not heard of: Nightwear.<br /><br />It has to be admitted at this point that Bill MacGregor was not a thin man, nor was his then girlfriend overly large in any direction. Grayshot's snide remark was accurate, if hyperbolic. MacGregor was not one to take offence, especially as he has fashioned a whole career on sleepytime music.<br /><br />As Nightwear, MacGregor detuned his otherwise well-tuned guitar and strummed gently to himself. The studio made him produce his own records as the engineers kept falling asleep. Perched on the edge of a rocking chair, guitar in one hand and mixing desk in the other, fat squelching out of all remaining crevices on the seat, MacGregor produced the kind of music whales would produce if they knew their "song" sent you to sleep. He had no time for reverse reverb or any tremelo nonsense. No. He favoured open chords on a an acoustic, with whispered lyrics about drinking Horlicks neatly fit into the background. Some say that MacGregor was capable of hypnosis; something he states is not only untrue, but offensive to real hypnotists who not only send people to sleep but also get them to pretend to be cats, think they are themselves aged 8 and stop smoking.<br /><br />After two albums and a guest appearance on In The Night Garden, MacGregor was approached by a the makers of a branded promethazine. Testing on his music had suggested to them that it released a weak dopamine antagonist into the system, thus causing a lack of awakedness. His music was running them out of business. They told him they would either pay him to develop his music under laboratory conditions or would kill him. Sensing that Big-Pharma could probably get away with <a href="http://www.newswithviews.com/Ellison/shane150.htm">murder </a>he decided to take the lab job.<br /><br />A lab job is not as sexy as it sounds. We'd all like to work in a hair-dryer factory so when asked about the job we could say "Well, it's a blow job." Or indeed work in a household waste sorting site so we could say "It's a rubbish job!". Or indeed be an intern for <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandra_Day_O%27Connor">Sandra Day O'Connor </a>so we could say "It's a day job!". But "it's a lab job!" only works if you also breed large dogs and MacGregor lived in an inner rim apartment where dogs were banned, along with cats, rats, bats and smoking. It never stopped Grayshotbut that's because he's just the type of person who feels that rules don't apply to them. MacGregor, on the other hand, determinedly and studiously tried to experiment with his music and sleep patterns, discovering amongst other things that tube amps are a decent way of producing sleepytime happiness for all around. He also discovered that Barry White is not the thing to think about if you want to go straight to sleep. Conference followed conference and MacGregor had less time for his real passion of recording music that sent people to dreamyland. Eventually the company cracked his magic and he was released to make music once more.<br /><br />Set free from his pharmaceutical captivity, MacGregor decided that Nightwear should enter an "insomniac phase". MacGregor and his supporters tried to stay up for a whole week in order to get really very tired. This allows them hallucinogenic experiences and also allowed fo rthem to experience the world as someone so permanently close to sleep. The resulting album "Why the heck did I do this to mysef" went straight to number 1 in the "Music for people with problems" chart, pushing OCD favourite Bo Anders Persson to number 2 for the first time in quite some time.<br /><br />Confident in his legacy, both chemical and muscial, MacGregor now sleeps quitely at home with his short, thin, yellow wife. Joe Grayshot plans to punch different celebrities at book signings until they all give up and go home.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-31518168736165984782009-09-07T19:10:00.008+01:002009-09-13T14:15:38.904+01:00#40 The Great Grandfathers of Invention<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SqzB30cB9bI/AAAAAAAAAV4/SXqBAI2WP-c/s1600-h/train.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SqzB30cB9bI/AAAAAAAAAV4/SXqBAI2WP-c/s320/train.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380888819514078642" border="0" /></a>We all remember the moment, July 7 2007, 19.42pm. The world watched the ad break of Coronation Street.<br /><br />A smartly dressed but somewhat dishevelled looking Michael Barrymore came into view. He looked as if to speak, but he stopped himself, descending back into his own thoughts. Rousing his character he turned to the camera and began:<br /><br />"Viewers, compatriots, [painful sigh] friends. I feel that I have a huge apology to make. I have shamed myself and am only now coming to the realisation for for years I have laboured under a very fundamental mistake. A known mistake. Something I should have admitted to earlier. I am truly sorry.<br /><br />"For it appears that a hot spot is indeed a good spot. A hot spot can make your life a little bit better. So when you're in town next, do a search, find a hot spot and check the news, send some e-mails, watch Man to Man with Dean Learner. A hot spot is a good spot. A hot spot is. A. Good. Spot. I'm only sorry to have misled my people for so long."<br /><br />Cut to black and, whilst audible sighs and sobs can still be heard in the background, the logo of TB Open Zone appears.<br /><br />When the rioting ended and calm returned, many people realised how much modern society had descended into a pure stream of advertisements. Some took to consumerism, but Matthew Willows took to the past. Previously a member of the Velvet Trenchcoat Mafia, Willows decided to leave the world of 2 for 1 subculture and adopt a healthy 3 for 1 subculture instead.<br /><br />The idea was steamprog. Previous media had made the steampunk sub-subgenre partially encompassing. The steampunk pioneers were interesting in making the mid to late Victorian period alive with the wonders of technology not as boring drawings and schematics but living, revolutionary concepts and machines that<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbruPm6go-g"> belched thick fog</a>, made <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yM2VjF5ydSs">nasty noises </a>and frequently <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R7KsfosV-o">blew apart</a>. Often these machines and concepts had little grounding in fact or reality. Willows had no time for that.<br /><br />Willows's aims was to create a band that was interested in boring drawings and schematics. He was interested in the way things worked and how that affected our everyday lives. He was a weird guy. The first songs he wrote focused on the way a cone lock nut is shaped after being tapped to create a helpful torque which is required to keep an engine together under high heat. In three songs he explained the engineering relationship from the point of view of the nut itself, the grease covered engine driver suffering under the pain of exposure to heat and haemorrhoids and the drivers mother, unable to claim assistance under The Poor Law Amendment Act, frittering away her lazy afternoons watching smoke trails on the horizon. The first song started with a small crack in the nut ("I think I'm cracking up, I think I'm going to spin out of control"), the last song ended with the engineer noticing and removing the nut ("ashes to ashes, carbon steel alloy to carbon steel alloy.") . The liner notes make clear that the nut now resides in the <a href="http://www.nrm.org.uk/home/home.asp">National Railway Museum</a> in York, alongside a Beeching-era <a href="http://www.railwaysarchive.co.uk/images/closure.jpg">closure poster</a> and a hip flash with GWR etched into it.<br /><br />Willows himself compared the three song cycle to the realistic literature experiments of Emile Zola. Being dead, Zola could not comment but his family threatened to sue the pants off anyone caught comparing themselves favourably to their great granddad. Besides, the relatives said, nobody ended up dying in a painful and harrowing way, so it could not be anything like the work of the master himself.<br /><br />Releasing the three songs as an self-issued EP, Willows had played all the instruments, done all of his own accounting and even acted as a groupie on more than occasion. When the requests for gigs started coming in, Willows decided to pull a band together. Eschewing the tradition of getting band members who can play instruments, Willows decided instead to hire people who looked the part and tried to teach them rudimentary instrumental skills in the weeks leading up the first gigs. To find a bunch of bearded train enthusiasts was not exactly the hard part. An ad in one of their <a href="http://www.magazines-subscriptions.co.uk/heritage-railway-magazine-subscription.htm">journals of repute</a> was enough to have two hundred fame-hungry, pie hungry, mutton chopped wannabe train drivers banging down Willow's door. The selection process was gruelling. Each contestant had to answer questions from one of the <a href="http://www.rec-farnborough.org.uk/trivia_quiz.htm">hardest tests known to man</a>. At the end of the heat stages Willows asked the remaining steamers to compete in an <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZJ2ypCVAQA">eliminator</a> challenge. John Fashanu was taken away for the important hosting duties on <a href="http://www.mnetafrica.com/mnet/shows/dealornodeal_modelpoll_nig.asp">Deal or No Deal Nigeria</a> to present and the whole thing was shown on Puff, the new UKTV network for men aged 45-90.<br /><br />Eventually the band were chosen and Willows had to teach them some instruments. The <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7b9Dj7Al-0">washboard </a>was easy and Cecil Parkin took to it nice and easy. Jack Skinner was given the harder task of playing Willows's cheap knockoff of Yuri Landman's <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moodswinger#Moodswinger">Moodswinger</a>. Let's just say he hit the instrument on occasion and no-one complained. Harry Lambert, the '<a href="http://i.pbase.com/g4/82/265582/2/65001081.937kbbw3.jpg">looker</a>' of the group was given the ceremonial role of 'contributing to overall musical direction.' He also promised to cut himself on stage if anyone asked whether he was serious about his art. Nobody did. Whilst on stage he strummed a guitar that was not plugged into an amp and until the fifth gig was still had its cellophane pick guard protector on. Mr Orkindale rounded the line-up by trying to hit some drums. Denied drumsticks by Willows following a painful accident in practise, Orkindale took to slapping the drums and producing snare sounds by gently tapping the skin and side of the drum.<br /><br />An early Willows-free performance on Later with Jools Holland did nothing to limit their reputation as acolytes and when a washed-up Willows finally decided to leave the band (following Lambert's serial womanising hitting the front of the Daily Record ("Fishwives! lock up your mothers!")) the band decided to carry on without the only person who could, you know, play music. Unsurprisingly, the music they produced was out of tune, out of key, in no particular time signature and the lyrics make increasingly less sense. They are currently supporting Sonic Youth.<br /><br />Michael Barrymore is currently managing the internet advertising strategy for Mishka.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-8317205770866256652009-08-30T09:36:00.007+01:002009-08-30T11:26:29.246+01:00#39- Silver Showers<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SppR3Tb-mKI/AAAAAAAAAVw/6WZx3Zd4HXE/s1600-h/shower.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 269px; height: 231px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SppR3Tb-mKI/AAAAAAAAAVw/6WZx3Zd4HXE/s320/shower.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5375699115772385442" border="0" /></a>Fame! You don't get to live <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1447138/Gene-Anthony-Ray.html">forever</a>, you don't get to learn how to fly. Of all the famous people who have ever tried to fly, only Robert Fripp has managed to do it with any degree of regularity. Some say he's actually a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7ht0a2-OnA">parrot</a>, some say that he's a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzLADnLsNRs">jackdaw</a>, yet more say he's got a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jw5KaEshU3g">rocket tied to his back</a>. It's actually a combination of all three.<br /><br />But Fame, for all the broken promises about lighter than air travel, is also a harsh mistress. A mistress who wants you to leave your wife for them, a mistress who purposely leaves lipstick marks on your shirt, a mistress who turns up expecting Christmas dinner with your in-laws. And when Fame finally gets tired of waiting for you to bump off the missus, she leaves town and forces you to try and cobble together a life without her.<br /><br />Fame played her part in the story we are about to tell, for Ken Mills had his run around the block with the dark force of celebrity. He played bass guitar in the critically and commercially successful band Citizen and Mrs Smith. You don't need us to tell you that Citizen and Mrs Smith made 17 prized albums of low-rate indie pap, or that they sold out so many stadiums they eventually decided to build their own, or that they fell out with each other about who should have the last sherbet dib dab, with charges for affray considered and then dropped.<br /><br />But Ken Mills was not the brains of the operation, was not the public frontman, was not nothing of any note. What should he do? He had just enough money from the performing rights to disappear into the hills whilst working on a new album, but what should that album be about?<br /><br />Since he was a child Ken had two all consuming interests: travelling and excessive cleanliness. Whilst touring with Citizen and Mrs Smith Ken kept a detailed diary of every hotel shower he used. He regularly commented on a shower's flow, force, temperature control, speed for water arrive, cleanliness of the head (of the shower), cleanliness of the head (of the show user after exiting the shower), ability to contain water without it going on other bathroom items, ease of use of the controls and overall experience. From this he normally calculated a qualitative outcome ranging from "Chemical Shower" -a disappointing experience with no redeeming features- to "Silver Shower" -the best of all worlds and possibly some good shampoo thrown into the bargain. Between these extremes were Copper Shower, Bronze Shower, Iron Shower, Platinum Shower and <a href="http://www.safortress.org/index.php?page=junior-soldiers">Crest </a>Shower.<br /><br />Retreating to the hills, Mills filled and killed his time trying to work on a new album by typing up his shower ratings. Eventually either a stroke of genius, a stroke of madness or a plain old fashioned ischemic stroke made Mills realise that he could combine his bass based song writing with his reviews of the world's showers. Mills set to work setting music to his words and trying to wrangle the whole thing into the album which eventually became called "April Showers Bring May Flowers". Of course you have not heard of it, that's why we're putting it on this site. Mills took to using the nom de plume Silver Showers to make sure his work is not overcast by his history and previous band.<br /><br />There are two standout tracks on the album, the first being "Bad Times at the Blackpool Arms" which details one of Mill's first experiences on tour:<br /><br />"Perhaps I told you wrong,<br />I said I wanted to stay in Blackpool,<br />Not stand in a pooling pool of Black,<br />Black as your heart, you dirty old bat,<br />I rate you Copper Shower!"<br /><br />The second standout track and a crowd pleaser at Mills's gigs is the heart (and skin) warming "Holy Royd Hotel, Edinburgh". Mills is often found clambering on his speaker stack to sing the rousing final verse of the song:<br /><br />"If I could rate you golden, I'm pretty sure I would,<br />But that's just sick and wrong so you're a<br />Silver Shower and should,<br />go down in human history, as the best of the best of the best,<br />and best of all, in the freebies bag, you even give me a <a href="http://static.gigwise.com/gallery/7818690_amy-rash3.jpg">vest</a>."<br /><br />For this reason almost all of Silver Showers' gigs happen in Edinburgh.<br /><br />Perhaps you're thinking "why doesn't Mills drench his audience with water at the end of the gig, in some sort of literal interpretation of his muse?" Mills has considered this but decided that if he did throw water on people he couldn't guarantee the quality of the experience night after night.<br /><br />"I don't want to become everything I've railed against" he told melody maker. Amen to that, clean brother.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-35781477651149957142009-08-13T22:20:00.214+01:002009-08-16T19:31:35.441+01:00#38 The Famous Minnows<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/SoWpAim05oI/AAAAAAAAAKs/07mtel_VVCg/s1600-h/rush.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 262px; height: 363px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/SoWpAim05oI/AAAAAAAAAKs/07mtel_VVCg/s400/rush.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5369883957463934594" border="0" /></a>Who ate all the pies? Who ate, who ate, who ate, who ate, who ate all the pies? A question I often ponder when going to the fridge to discover my last Balti Chicken and Onion has gone. But what has that got to do with bands you have never heard of? And who's this handsome fellow on the right there? Is he single?<br /><br />Well, being on the cusp of the new football season has gotten us all a little dewy eyed over those classic football songs you always used to hear. We're not just talking about the ones on the terraces - 'You're going home in a Chelsea Ambulance' and the like. But also the perennial, biannual and deciduous outings that remind us just what it means to be a football fan. Even if you are not a fan, these songs really do transend the beautiful game. So many lie forgotten in the vaults and record collections of devoted fans up and down the country. You will, however, be pleased to know that we have had a whip round in the office (half of us can no longer afford to got to the the Christmas meal). That's right, we bought the rights to all of them and plan on unleashing them on the unsuspecting public (that's you. Although I suppose you may have an inkling what we have planned, seeing as I just told you).<br /><br />Such classics we now own include:<br /><br />Up the Millwall (The Bashing 'Em on the Noggin Song)<br />Morcambe, We Saw, We Conquered<br />You Only Win When You're Scoring<br />We're Fat and We Know, You Know We Are<br />Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wigan<br />My Favourite Meat is Tottenham<br /><br />Did you know, it's not just New Order keeping the 'World in Motion' when it comes to bands recording foorball ditties, oh no. Can you believe it - there are bands that make a living out of this stuff. That brings us neatly to our next band that You Have Not Heard...<br /><br />Does anyone remember what happened to those two lads off the 'Accrington Stanley - Who are they? <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pieK7b4KLL4">Milk advert</a>'? Of course yes you do probably not. Let me fill you in. Accrington Stanley made a triumphant return to proper football in 1995. Before that they spent twenty years trying to sell their own brand of the game with three goals and multiball release everytime someone called Trevor, Michael or Beverly took a corner. In their first season back in the league they were unable to fulfill the full quota of games for a season (on account of an incident involving an errant llama and club mascot <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/lancashire/content/images/2006/09/13/accrington7_470_470x300.jpg">Fraser the Eagle</a> in the final game of the season). Interestingly, they did win best dressed at the football league awards. In the same year the two lads from the ad, now 21, unleashed their musical talents on the world. By an unfortuante turn of events the ten years supply of milk that they had be given as payment for the ad made them as rotund as a swedish meatball, and possibly twice as wide. Despite Ian Rush's saged advice in the advert, this was not enough to even secure them a place on the bench at Accrington. Even the llama could have managed that.<br /><br />Randall Tamworth III and Jimmy Spillikins named their band after Accrington Stanley's nickname - The Famous Minnows. Believe it or not only one of the pair was actually from Liverpool. The other was a RSC trained child actor. It is on record that he didn't so much see as lowering himself to do the part, but saw it as a valuable character study - another box to tick on his CV (Hamlet- yes, Iago - yes, Scouse child fond of milk - yes). Yet another string to his bow! So fine were his talents that, to this day, no one knows which of the two was the real scouser.<br /><br />Off the back of the success of the advert the pair released a remix version, which included an Ian Rush rap. You've seen <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnUh5LlrPZ4">John Barnes rap,</a> you've even seen <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pT_QRKfv8H4">Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd</a> (RIP) rap. Rush, however, is something special - "I'm Rushy, quite pushy but I'm nice, I'll giggle if you say titmice'. The video is an abolute classic and featured <a href="http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/grobbelaar%20mask.jpg">Bruce Grobbelaar</a> on drums.<br /><br />The lads acted as freelance football songwriters in the nineties, penning songs for everyone from Arbroath to Motherwell to Inverness Calywotsit Thistlers. Their tunes quickly became crowd favourites, and their biggest hit is still sung to this day at grounds around the county. They turned 'He's Got the Whole World In His Hands' by God into an anti-United rant for Manchester City fans. 'He's Got Steve Bruce In His Pants' shot in at 19 in the charts back in 1997. "His got Alex Ferguson doing his dishes, he's got Peter Schmeichel feeding his fishes, He's got Cantona behind the bar, He's got Steve Bruce in his pants". Truely. Social history in action there.<br /><br />To this day Ian Rush finds himself beaten to within an inch of his moustache by understandably irate Stanley fans. Meanwhile, the rest of us keep on downing the milk in the vain hope that we won't be forced to don the Accrington kit and play a half or two. I swear there are 90 year old grannies who live in fear that one day they will get that call from Fraser the Eagle asking them to play. It's some sort of sick national service. Anyhoo, the band have promised they will only pen another song when Accrignton win the cup. Until then they will remain in obscurity, a fading memory of a nation which forgets them and their contribution to football...<br /><br />You know, my mum used to say that when I grow up I might be good enough to play in The Famous Minnows.<br /><br />The Famous Minnows? I used to quip. Who are they?<br /><br />Exactly.Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-30040281562277407732009-08-13T19:06:00.004+01:002009-08-13T19:37:18.722+01:00Newsflash! Love Music, Love the NHS<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SoRdUwuqN1I/AAAAAAAAAVo/BxdRqXDoyN4/s1600-h/nhs.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 132px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SoRdUwuqN1I/AAAAAAAAAVo/BxdRqXDoyN4/s200/nhs.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5369519266991847250" border="0" /></a>Here at YHNH, we hate our health system being besmirched by the "progressive right" from the former colonies. In the old days, we'd be able to settle this sedition using painfully high taxes, low representation and -if needs be- a spoon-based approach to heart surgery that other empires would consider ill judged.<br /><br />But no more. Now those upstart Yankee Doodles can make all manner of nonsense up about our healthcare. Recent claims include:<ul><li>Doctors operate an "opt-out" system for punching unconscious patients when they enter wards,</li><li>Older people are often left overnight on the A361 near Rose Ash to save space for bureaucrat's empty cardboard boxes,<br /></li><li>The giblets that come in Christmas turkeys are from left over cadavers from the Royal Isle of Wight NHS Trust,<br /></li><li>Simon Cowell trained as a death panel bureaucrat before giving that up to be on TV,</li><li>Hamsters are frequently left to complete difficult procedures on patients as all the real doctors are happy-slapping frontbench cabinet ministers,</li><li>People called Neil are seen before people called Simon,</li><li>The Ear, Nose and Throat Department have a very clear policy on what they stick up your ear, nose and throat, and it isn't a small camera,<br /></li><li>Clement Atlee preferred an insurance based approach to healthcare, but was shouted down by "invested interests" such as poor people and lepers.</li></ul>We are not going to stand for this filth anymore. Join us at Rhyl this Saturday to protest at gross inaccuracies in the current American reporting of the NHS; we will be protesting by cranking up some amps and dancing like vibrating blueberries. Bands signed up to play include Bypassing Wind, Honey Munster, Hullaballoon, and Frank Bottlebin. Frank may or may not bring his legendary "inflatable pet spider diagram" Alan the Spider.<br /><br />Be there and be proud of the NHS! Stand up for your right to be treated free at the point of consumption! Don't smoke too close to Alan, he pops really easily!piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-20049862025672976002009-08-02T09:15:00.006+01:002009-08-02T11:38:05.317+01:00#37 Daniel's B! A! N! D!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SnVqTxAaWfI/AAAAAAAAAVY/nLfJdAQFKB8/s1600-h/crossrock.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 257px; height: 277px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SnVqTxAaWfI/AAAAAAAAAVY/nLfJdAQFKB8/s320/crossrock.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5365311418886937074" border="0" /></a>Here at You Have not Heard, we love a good sing song, especially when we get to sing about "<a href="http://svtplay.se/v/1637846/program_6_allsang_-_var_bor_du_lilla_ratta">sausages and jazz</a>". Sometimes we even watch Songs of Praise, confident in the knowledge that there will be no devotional call to cause embarrassment, confusion or accidental conversion. Our next musical excursion takes us deep into the world of "popular" Christian music. There is no moral, we just like making stuff up.<br /><br />There's absolutely no way Tamworth should be in Staffordshire. Staffordshire is to the North and West of Birmingham but it is definitely, definitely not to the East. But there we go, apparently it is in Staffordshire and there's nothing a pointless blog writer like me can do anything about it. Anyway, the Comberford Baptist Church had a problem. Too many young people were not going to Church but still writing "Christian" on their census forms. We find that all good Christian stories start with a census. The head office in London wanted to know why Comberford did not have it's requisite parishioners in the all-important 18-34 age bracket. They were dangerously close to missing target BVPI 2287: "10% of all self-defining Christians worshipping at the local Baptist Church." Failure to meet that could easily lead to a shortfall in funding or a pull-no-punches letter from the relevant minister. The Church needed bums on cushions on pews.<br /><br />Their first solution was a <a href="http://www.puppets-etc.com/blueprint_index.htm">Christian Puppet</a> show. That failed. Then they went for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_8fHxqKvf0">Christian Mime</a> Artists. That failed. Big time. Then they thought, screw it, we'll just have a worship band.<br /><br />The Church approached the one person they thought they could trust with a worship band, Daniel Danielson. Daniel was a Icelandic national and a postgraduate student in music technology at the University of Sutton Coldfield. He could tell the difference between Jars of Clay and Smalltown Poets. Honestly. Not even<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Haseltine"> Dan Haseltine</a> gets it right most of the time. On appointing, anointing and anodizing him, the Church felt secure that he would boost membership by at least 300%. Not in their wildest dreams could they understand what happened next.<br /><br />Danielson started by forming his band from anybody nearby who could play an instrument and was happy going to Church with slightly messed up, gelled hair. Tobias Tobin came onboard as rhythm drummer, Kurt Knut (real name Curtis Dairyland) played lead drums and Honey Vienetta joined Danielson in playing guitar and singing close harmony. Danielson took all the high notes because he thought Titus 2:5 gave him that power.<br /><br />Their catchy, drum heavy version of hymnal classics certainly got the local youth going. Before long, the band was managing to pull in the entire East Midlands under 25s to the Church. You heard me right, East Midlands, because East Midlanders know that Tamworth is with them, and not the "strangers to the North". It was such a success that The <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqp89bkFe8k">Pope </a>considered turning up. This idea was only quashed when it was realised that Baptists and The Roman Catholic Church have not exactly seen eye to eye <a href="http://www.reformedreader.org/history/continuedsuccession.htm">for many years</a>. With success and fame on so many levels and at one such time, where should the band go next?<br /><br />The band went to the seaside, which considering Tamworth is roughly the most landlocked place in England was certainly a leftfield position. Hiring the whole of <a href="http://www.pontins-pakefield.com/">Pontins, Pakefield</a> and scheduling coaches from Tamworth, Leicester, Loughborough, Nuneaton and Upper Bruntingthorpe the band took their fans away for a weekend billed as "devotional retreat and challenge." Did they fulfill this? Did they heck. The weekend was a full on music festival where Daniel and his band had "curated" the other bands playing. The list included such "Christian rock luminaries" as Shellac, Los Campesinos, Battles and Alan Vega. Daniel's B! A! N! D! played their headline set each individually wearing a t-shirt that had either "B!", "A!", "N!" or "D!" on it and rocked out using their <a href="http://cyberhymnal.org/htm/d/a/daretobe.htm">eponymous song</a> to a devastating noise rock conclusion. Purists and the delegation from Comberford questioned whether Daniel was really celebrating the Old Testament servant and prophet Daniel. They thought it was much more likely that Daniel was celebrating himself and the "purpose true" was really just his fame and his fortune.<br /><br />At the end of the weekend, the band stated that they will be moving on from the West Midlands in order to "capture the hearts" of the rest of central England. After successful forays into Herefordshire and Gloucestershire (including a mega-weekend at <a href="http://www.barrywales.co.uk/theisland.htm">Barry Island</a>), the band tried to crack the difficult nut that was Worcestershire. After partial success in St Johns, and the ensuing encampment overnight preparing to cross the Severn and take Worcester, this campaign ended abruptly when a reconnaissance mission consisting of Danileson and Knut were run over by <a href="http://ewehavenotherd.blogspot.com/2009/03/1-brecon-witch.html">Michael Malone</a> just outside of the West Midlands Safari Park. In Malone's defence, he stated that he "really did love that car." Anyway, without any legs or a lead drummer Danielson felt he couldn't continue. We find that all good Christian stories end with a death.<br /><br />Without Danielson the band folded and the youth fell away fom the Churches, lured out by Steve Albini's frenzied attempts to appear at every seaside festival ever, including those in the past and T4 on the Beach.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-70642203966383287522009-07-29T19:39:00.100+01:002009-07-29T22:13:24.704+01:00#36 Queen<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/SnChXvm7BfI/AAAAAAAAAKc/tWP6A_flSkY/s1600-h/queen.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 233px; height: 340px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/SnChXvm7BfI/AAAAAAAAAKc/tWP6A_flSkY/s400/queen.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5363964585487042034" border="0" /></a>We come across <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">alot</span> of things in the process of writing this compendium, this encyclopedic virtual tome, which we don't very much like. Bands with more than five words in their name, bands that don't cite S-Club Juniors amongst their influences, bands with more than one llama on percussion. Indeed, we may come across as quite angry individuals at times. Individuals who may not really like any music but the sound of their own voices set to a little bit of Chopin. It's not true, but my vocal timbre really does lend itself to the odd minuet. We may get a little wound up at times, but this band really takes the biscuit.<br /><p>Let me unleash a few of our gripes. They name their albums after their own name, one of them has a perm, one of them is dead, they claim to be related to the royals. Yes, that's right they called themselves Queen. As if that wasn't enough the lead singer has the same surname as a Roman God. I mean, just who did they think they were?</p><p>Despite a career that spanned two decades it is only until recently that this previously unknown foursome have come to our attention. We felt it was our job here at You Have Not Heard to warn you, nay, order you not to lend your ears<span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span> to such atrocities.<span style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /></span></p><p>Big hair, tight trousers, and a love of astronomy. No, not Patrick Moore, but Queen guitarist Brian 'family-friendly-hair-rocker' May. He built his own guitar at the age of 16 and still uses it to this day. The wood was sourced from the Mary Rose, the frets from Winston Churchill's tooth enamel and the strings woven from the hairs on his very own head. He uses coins instead of plectrums just 'cos he likes the way it feels. Flash git. As if that wasn't enough in 2002 the self-titled guitar virtuoso broke into Buckingham Palace and had the cheek to whip his guitar out <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4nsifplvpk">once he got to the roof.</a> All this during the Queen's jubilee celebrations! Needless to say Her Majesty was less than impressed and May got what he wanted. Her Majesty's pleasure - three years in Wormwood Scrubs.</p><p>The supposedly enigmatic one of the bunch, one Frederick Mercury was also the lead singer, as is so often and disappointingly the case. Originally <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Fredros</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Merkeros</span> he was born for the stage. His parents often told him that one day he would have fame, fortune and a moustache. Well, one out of the three wasn't bad - and he finally declared his facial hair masterwork complete on his seventeenth birthday. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Fredros</span>, or Freddie to his friends, was incredibly shy and would only play gigs if he was promised three Farley's rusks and the latest copy of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Beano</span> (but not Dandy, oh no! Cow Pies?! a little far fetched, he felt). Once he was actually on stage he was a different man. He would generally prance up and down topless, wearing tight shorts and clutching a <a href="http://www.ultimate-80s.com/Images/pop-culture-kids-toys-retro-games/Freddie-Mercury-Action-Figure-md.jpg">tiny microphone stand</a>. He spent his whole career trying to save up for the rest of that stand. He never did save enough and died tragically without a microphone stand deserving of both his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">follically</span> endowed upper lip and the recognition a select few claim he deserved. Upon his death three people grew moustaches in tribute. One, who thought he was a real Queen fan but only started liking them near the end when it look like they might make it, grew a handlebar moustache. Such a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">faux</span> pas cost him his Queen fan club membership (membership number four). He is now a multi-<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">millionaire</span> future's market investor, but still rues the day his moustache started growing south and reached his chin.<br /></p><p>The other two band members are lost in the mists of time but are thought to be John 'the Baptist' Pope and Roy Rogers (later of the cowboy fame). Not even <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Queenies</span> (Queen fans) can remember their exact names and the pair are never named in the record sleeves (despite May's hair getting two mentions and Mercury's pet <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">chiuaua</span> three).</p><p>The band's music can best be described as witty throw-away, take it or leave it rock. Think <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Whitesnake</span> trying to be funny. Think Europe but slightly less funny. Queen try to work <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">witticisms</span> into their songs on a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">disturbingly</span> regular basis. They wrote one song about really loving riding your bicycle, one about girls with big bottoms and one about those pictures that look like a pattern until you cross your eyes and then <a href="http://www-ai.ijs.si/sirds/bird.jpg">it's a unicorn</a> ('It's a Kind of Magic' - 1986). You don't see THE Queen coming out with comic stuff like that. That's why she has Prince Philip.<br /></p><p>I mean, this isn't <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">fricking</span> play school fellas - come play with the big boys! Ever heard of a little band called Monkey David and the Gravy Trainers? They did this kind of thing in the sixties and they made a success of it. All Queen have is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">obese</span> women's rears. Monkey David used their music and comedic references to expose pressing social problems - in 1965 they exposed the increasing problem of immigration from Hatfield <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Peveril</span>, Essex into London. In 1968 it was how we were going to deal with the influence of The Beatles on 'young minds' (the answer they proposed was to go back to 1928 and kill Hitler). They answered the questions we were all asking. Queen on the other hand decided to sing about a waking up in a world where, to our horror, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">every time</span> we tuned into a radio all we would hear is a baby's inane chatter (Radio <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Gaga</span> 1975). Horrifying, yes. Groundbreaking, probably. A good tune, of course not.<br /></p><p>Luckily, no one has heard from Queen since the 'tragic' death of Mercury. Rumours that Ben Elton is actually writing a musical about their life are just too funny to consider.<br /></p>Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-73446491084968852772009-07-26T09:21:00.006+01:002009-07-26T11:41:10.622+01:00#35- The Socratic Rhythm Method<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/Smwwx91ilaI/AAAAAAAAAVQ/4lEsdqFXkvU/s1600-h/weight.jpg"></a><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> 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style="">I</b></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">s Tom Daley Daley Thompson’s son? </b>I fail to see the impotence.</span> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">In a world where being related to someone –<a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8160725.stm">anyone</a>- is of such importance?</b> Apparently so.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">What band are we going to talk about this week? </b>The same band we talk about every <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinkie_Brown">week</a>.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">The Socratic Rhythm Method? </b>None other.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Why? </b>Why not?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Why not? </b>Why?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Wherefore art thou? </b>Beneath your <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwyFeTNSiUc">blummin</a>’ feet.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">So what was his method? </b>It started by beating two eggs.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">I think you’re playing me?</b> No. He beat boxed two eggs in two rounds.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">He was into beat box? </b>You heard me right.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">And the eggs didn’t mind? </b>They were glad to be part of the magic.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -36pt;font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Whose magic? </b>His. Malone Diaz.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Malone Diaz? </b>None other.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">None?</b> Perhaps one.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">One? </b>I have it on good authority.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">On? </b>On the authority of I who is called <a href="http://www.iscream.theshoppe.com/">I-scream</a>.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Nevertheless, tell us about this Diaz? </b>The man you call Diaz started cooking.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Then what happened? </b>He broke some eggs, spilt some milk, shook up a structure or two.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">He didn’t mind slitting a few throats? </b>But he got it.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">And what did he do with it? </b>He was going to weigh some flour.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">On some scales? </b>Yes, on some oldie-timey counterweight scales.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Did he weigh the flour? </b>He tried to set aside the weights he didn’t need.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">But where? </b>Well, he couldn’t find anywhere else.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Where? </b>He had <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnHeMtR31fQ">no other choice</a>.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Where, wally? </b>Look, the ends justify the mesnes.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Where? </b>On his Yamaha PSR-185.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">On the keys? </b>On the keys and it was on.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">The must have sounded bad? </b>Actually, it sounded ok.<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">What did he do? </b>He started tinkering.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">What happened to the cake? </b>It started bakering.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Did he like the sound? </b>Not at first, but he started adding<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zn8fgBow0lY"> drum patterns</a>.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Drum patterns? </b>Yes, the PSR-185 puts the full power of a backing band behind you with the 100 rhythms and accompaniment styles.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Did he get anywhere? </b>Not until he also added effects and hooked in some midi filters.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">So this isn’t just one note for hours and hours? </b>Far from it, he used the keyboard like an audible <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LFO_%28band%29">LFO</a>.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Big deal, didn’t Keith Emerson use a knife to hammer down keys? </b>Doesn’t Greg Lake look wrong in a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B000067UFC/ref=dp_image_0?ie=UTF8&n=5174&s=music">blue pastel suit</a>?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Ok. Whatever point we have has been proved. What did Diaz do with his record? </b>He hung it out to dry.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Literally or metaphorically? </b>You’ll have to ask him that.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">What did he call the record? “</b>The Weight of The Scales of Justice in The Hall of Mirrors in the Palace of Versailles.”</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Catchy come home? </b>All the way to the piggy bank of Scotland.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Did it win him many followers? </b>Not many, but enough to move from a <a href="http://www.mybrokenshoe.com/blog/uploaded_images/bedsit-740189.jpg">bedsit</a>.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Where is he now? </b><a href="http://www.info-mallorca.co.uk/for.sale/mallorca/illetas-studio-inside.jpg">Studio apartment</a>. Open plan.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">City Centre? </b>HMO.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Why did she get involved? </b>Everybody wants their piece of the pie.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Have you got to feed the monkey? </b>It makes it more supine when <a href="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2056/2234992576_cbb1c95d76.jpg?v=0">spanking </a>comes along.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Did he follow it up? </b>You know what, the next year he left his keyboard upside down and went on holiday.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">His neighbours? </b>They sold tickets as a voyage of discovery.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Was there a discovery? </b>Yes, that he paid his electricity by <a href="http://www.electricitymeters.fsnet.co.uk/gas.htm">coin meter</a>.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">We’re all slaves to our condition? </b>No. That those old 5 pence pieces were really, really big.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">We’re all slaves to our condition? </b>You’re a slave to your inhibited questions.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Would I be less inhibited if I’d imbibed more palliatives? </b>Probably.<b style=""><o:p></o:p></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Have you been to see the seaside? </b>I don’t through fear of cerapods.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Not cephalopods? </b>No. They’re easy to beat. Up and left all the way<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rise_of_the_robots">.</a></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Where are we? </b>I think we’re in Basingstoke.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Where is this going? </b>Diaz was going everywhere fast.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Why was that? </b>The electricity company appreciated his and his neighbour’s contribution to their funds.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Whatever did they do? </b>They let him play a gig at their HQ.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Did he sell out?</b> That depends on what you mean.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">What do I mean? </b>He set his keyboard up, placed his weights down and went to the pub.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Did they appreciate it? </b>They gave him positive feedback (A+++++++++++++ excellent all the way)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">That must be good?</b> It was followed by a retrospective at The Baltic.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">The respected centre for contemporary art? </b>Well, kind of.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Kind of? </b>It was in that <a href="http://www.erase.net/images/weblog/baltic.jpg">building</a>.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">In Gateshead? </b>Indeed. Whilst it was still a flour mill.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Was there any milling around? </b>What do you think?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><b style=""><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><b style=""><span style="font-size:100%;">I ask the questions here?</span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><b style=""><span style="font-size:100%;"></span><o:p></o:p></b></p>piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-33850545086634064142009-07-19T18:08:00.003+01:002009-07-22T08:20:42.384+01:00#34 Jakesperion<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/SmNBJOTCvFI/AAAAAAAAAKU/m97eNFWehtk/s1600-h/shakes.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 264px; height: 345px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/SmNBJOTCvFI/AAAAAAAAAKU/m97eNFWehtk/s400/shakes.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360199608213617746" border="0" /></a>Arghhhhh! Bands that name themselves after their lead singer! (or rather lead singers that name their band after them). Arghhhh!<br /><br />To introduce the precedents... Bob Marley and the Wailers -Ole Bob seemingly didn't have a lot of faith in his bandmate's talents. Van Halen - you <span style="font-style: italic;">aren't</span> a Medieval German Prince - get over it. John Butler Trio - yes, there are three of you - woop-de-fricking-do. <br /><br />And look Jimi Hendrix Experience. If I wanted to 'experience' Jimi Hendrix I would go to his house and pay him to dress up as a <a href="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2259/2209481771_419784014a.jpg">chinchilla </a>and dance about singing Lionel Ritchie's 'Hello'. That's how <span style="font-style: italic;">I</span> would experience him. And what happens if I want to 'experience the other members of the band? - I don't even know their names! Oh it makes me mad!<br /><br />Jakesperion, as you may have guessed are also named after their lead singer, one Mr Jake Sperion. And well, I'll be jiggered - despite their terrible moniker they aren't half bad. In fact I need to clear my throat, as I wish so proclaim - "People of Bridport. Fine people of Bridport. Prepare to be adequately rocked!". (People of nearby Symondsbury may have to wait a few months for these guys to make it down the B3126 to see you. But be ready....be very ready).<br /><br />In fact I feel I may have cheated you a little in claiming to have just introduced you to Jakesperion. You may well have heard them on the latest advert for eggs. (Not even Jack's Johnson managed to get onto an egg advert). You know the ads I mean - the ones which suggest that eggs are great for you and to eat them or yourconflakes or such like. A full 23.45 seconds of Jakesperion's tune "Full English" appears, as the young star of the ad tucks into the forth egg of his five-a-day quota. (Apparently eating five of something in a day provides significant health benefits. But beware....any more or less than five and you are 0.34% more likely to develop post-natal acne).<br /><br />I digress.<br /><br />On the back of their televisual success they were the featured band of the week on MySpace for four weeks in a row. There are also at least two Facebook groups in their honour (see <a href="http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=101289403191&ref=ts">here</a>, and <a href="http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=124966126808&ref=ts">here</a>). Bands who find fame through ads are almost always forgotten in an instant. They may even sell a few thousand albums off the back until people quickly realise that that was the only good song you will ever hear from that artist.Jakesperion may well be different. 'Full English' was a tasty indie dancefloor filler with a twist of satire so witty that it is soon to appear as the Anti-Nazi League rallies. #Don't shave your head, it only encourages them. Don't buy an armband, unless you are in mourning# as the songs bombastic opening encourages.<br /><br />So who are Jakesperion? Well, Jake is the cheeky lead singer who commands the stage and wage. At the tender age of seventeen he formed a band at Bridport Technical College just to get him through his NVQ in Music Technology in applied Automotive Engineering. The other three band members were handpicked by Jake according to a complex looks:talent ratio calculation. The result isundoubtedly THE most talented band in Dorset. By happy (but unsurprising) coincidence they are also THE sexiest in Dorset. It seems pointless to even mention the other band members. We know you'll just forget them. In fact we know you don't even want us to tell you. Such is the problem with an enigmatic frontman whose band is named after him. The other members wanted to call the band 'The Brian Simon Project'. No one is quite sure (including the band themselves) if any of the group are in fact called Brian or Simon or what their project was, but it sounded good. Jake pointed out that he was the sexiest, talentiest one, so the band should take his name. As there was already a band called 'The Jake Sperion Project' they settled on 'Jakesperion'.<br /><br />The similarity between the band's name and the word pertaining to the Elizabethan bard is not lost on Jake. The band's debut EP "Jakesperion Tragedies" includes such tracks as 'As You Liked It', 'King Leer', 'Much Ado About Ian'. On first listen it's more of the same anthemic indie disco ditties. Look deeper and you begin to soak up the social dilemmas and stories of gritty real life in Bridport. If you want to know what happens on Bridport Millennium Green every Friday night this disc is a must-listen.<br /><br />There must be a down side I hear you cry? Well, yes. Jake has developed an annoying habit in interviews of using numbers that just don't exist. Whilst appearing live on Good Morning Bridport he stated that the group would soon play their twenteenth gig, that he hopes to one day be a bermillionnaire and that his age was seventoon and one. He is still young however and has a lot to learn about interview technique. Hopefully the good PR people at 'I'm Not Listening Records' will beat it out of him. Either that or the other zeight band members will.<br /><br />So, what for the future? The band continue to gig two or three times a night in Bridport and are soon set to play their fiftieth gig at the Red Lion (the pub next to where the old Lidl used to be). Look out for them at the Bridport Fossil Hunters Festival on August 9. You Have Not Heard predicts it will be their last gig before they hit the big time - on 12 August they are due to play Ottery St Mary New Music Festival, just outside Exeter.<br /><br />These guys are going places - down the A35 to Ottery. Next stop Poole!Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-45423342931200135532009-07-19T09:30:00.009+01:002009-07-19T10:12:17.709+01:00Newsflash- Children's Safety Song Announced<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SmLiYRcsQtI/AAAAAAAAAVI/t-5IXgGNyww/s1600-h/stop.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 224px; height: 224px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SmLiYRcsQtI/AAAAAAAAAVI/t-5IXgGNyww/s320/stop.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360095413152793298" border="0" /></a>Here at YHNH we are very concerned about the safety of our children. I say "our" children but by that I mean the children of society. We don't really know where children come from, but we hear it is icky and involves travelling to <a href="http://www.orgasmic-cafe.com/map_york.htm">York</a>, <a href="http://www.orgasmic-cafe.com/map_norwich.htm">Norwich </a>or <a href="http://www.orgasmic-cafe.com/map_lincoln.htm">Lincoln</a>, none of which we particularly want to do.<br /><br />As people who are deeply interested in the wellbeing of children we are glad to know that a new safety song is winging it's way to all PSE, PSHCE, and sports science co-coordinators at every primary school in the country. Permission has finally been granted by the author to distribute the song and the band created to record it (cunningly named Buffalo Mozzarella) managed to knock it out between <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b008g122">Cash in the Attic</a> and <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006mh9v">Doctors</a>.<br /><br />In order to improve child safety, we feel it necessary to repeat the words to the song on the site:<br /><pre style="font-family: georgia;">"There's something happening here<br />What it is ain't exactly clear<br />There's a man with a sign over there<br />Telling me I got to beware<br /><br />I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sign?<br />Everybody look what's going down<br /><br />There's double lines being drawn<br />Looking right for every look to left<br />Young people crossing their roads<br />Getting so much help, from the crossing guard<br /><br />I think it's time we stop, hey, what's that sign?<br />Everybody look what's going down<br /><br />What a sports-day for the heat<br />A thousand kids in the street<br />Singing songs and carrying signs<br />Mostly say, hooray for our feet<br /><br />It's time we stop, hey, what's that sign?<br />Everybody look (twice at) what's going down<br /><br />Motorcycles strikes deep<br />Into your chest cavity it will creep<br />It starts when you're never afraid<br />You step off the side, the men come and take you away<br /><br />We better stop, hey, what's that sign?<br />Everybody look (twice) what's going down<br />Stop, hey, what's that sign?<br />Everybody look (twice) what's going down<br />Stop, now, what's that sign?<br />Everybody look (three times if necessary) what's going down<br />Stop, children, what's that sign?<br />Everybody look (look, then <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htJQ1kl2Kt8">look again</a>) what's going down"<br /><br />Children will then be given a choice of colouring in a picture of<br /><a href="http://newcritics.com/blog1/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/Camus%20Photo.jpg">Albert Camus</a> or writing a short biography of <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2005/11/03/linda_lovelace_narrowweb__300x450,0.jpg">Linda Lovelace</a>,<br />covering her life's work and eventual demise in 200 words and<br />up to one picture.<br /><br /></pre>piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-51864865483183978902009-07-09T19:48:00.042+01:002009-07-09T20:07:31.388+01:00#33 The House of Cards<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sk0RGGleu7I/AAAAAAAAAKM/vR9czoHvUYA/s1600-h/gamble.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 252px; height: 313px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sk0RGGleu7I/AAAAAAAAAKM/vR9czoHvUYA/s400/gamble.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5353954328558091186" border="0" /></a>...and that is why I don't like arctic roll. Unlike our next band that You Have Not Heard. They love it.<br /><br />It's 1985 and Ian <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Michaelson</span> has it all. Model wife. Big House. Fast car.<br /><br />It's 1996. Ian <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Michaelson</span> has nothing. No house. Big, fast wife. Model car. His life had come tumbling down like, well, like a tonne of fat-wife-sized dominoes.<br /><br />What happened in the eleven year intervening period? How did one man go from riches to rags from beef to mutton and from After Eight Mint to just plain <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Ferrero</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Rocher</span>? The answer to this and various other mind <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">shatteringly</span> complex questions, lead us to The House of Cards.<br /><br />Ian <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Michaelson</span> loved his cards and was a proud member of the Magic Circle (membership number 6384). <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Michaelson</span> was also a gambler. Not like the amiable gambler in the hit song of the same name by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn481KcjvMo">Kenny Rogers</a>. Oh no. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Michaelson</span> had no idea when to hold them, let alone when to fold them.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Michaelson</span> was a serious gambler. No <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">nudie</span> decks for him. In fact, he had a ten year stretch of good luck that saw him win big money and celebrity Vegas friends such as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">NASCAR</span> driver Butch <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Butchelson</span>, six Tom Jones-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">alikes</span> and Siegfried, but not Roy (Roy thought he was a bit of a "kuchen-schnitzel"). Everything was going his way until one fateful night in 1995.<br /><br />The venue - Scarborough <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Bingodrome</span> ("For all your gamble-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">tainment</span> needs. We practically roulette you win! There's Casi-No way you can lose, even if your Craps!"). The game was Pontoon or 'Twenty-One'. And you see, for most people the clue to success in this game is in the title - "Twenty-One". <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Michaelson</span> did not see this and let his vice take over. On the fifth hand of the fifth game <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Michaelson</span> had a jack and a nine - nineteen for all intents and purpose was a fabulous hand that was certain to beat the paltry hand of the house. He had everything riding on that one hand. His car, his house, the money for his wife's monthly gastric bypass procedure.<br /><br />Alas, he twisted when he <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">should've</span> stuck. "Hit me!" he declared smugly. The crowd gasped. Four of spades - bust! But he just couldn't take that he had lost. Kenny Rogers was frowning at him whilst <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">simultaneously</span> turning in his grave. "Hit me" <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">Michaelson</span> cried for the tenth time, before being ejected with a score of eighty-six. In the history of mistakes this was something a bit special. It's certainly up there with the time that Napoleon decided to have a swim straight after eating his lunch. In fact this was possibly a worse mistake than when Nick Griffin was invited to appear on hit BBC <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">genealogical</span> TV show 'Who Do You Think You Are?'. It turns out he was wrong all along.<br /><br />At this, the absolute nadir of his career, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">Michaelson</span> decided that there was only one sensible course of action - he formed a band with two down-on-their-luck gambling buddies. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">Michaelson</span> sung and played guitar whilst Ian "Snake Eyes" <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">Jeffers</span> tackled percussion and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">Babyface</span> Bob the bass. They played comfortable middle-of-the-road country, comfortably and on one or two occasions in the middle of a country road. Imagine The Eagles crossed with Crosby, Stills and Nash and Boston. On acid. Yeah so all those bands just sound like The Eagles but just imagine it - that's what The House of Cards sounded like that is.<br /><br />It was <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">Michaelson's</span> fine finger-picking style that was the envy of, well, the other band members. Seeing as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">Babyface</span> only used his thumb to play bass and Snake Eyes could only play the drums, they were both pretty much in awe of his talents. The group lasted only one gig with of more than six people. Their last took place at the <a href="http://www.hippodome.co.uk/"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">Lytham</span> St <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">Annes</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29">Hippodome</span> </a>(or 'Dome of Hippos' - the children's <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30">funworld</span>, just off the M55). A rather over <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_31">enthusiastic</span> father had booked them to play at his daughter's sixth birthday partythinking they were a trio of clown-magicians. Despite the mix-up they set-up in the ball pond and played a set so <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_32">alienatingly</span> mind-blowing that three kids went on to form <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_33">Razorlight</span>, two ran out screaming 'stranger danger, stranger danger' and one burped up a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_34">jammie</span> dodger in Snake Eyes' hair after singing the whole of Hotel California in Cantonese. Before their final number <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_35">Michaelson</span> bet the audience all their instruments that he could beat <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_36">Hippodome</span> mascot <a href="http://www.seniorark.com/Humor/Double%20Takes/after%201-17-08/man%20in%20hippo.gif">Hippo-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_37">po</span>-Thomas</a> in three rounds of no rules, bare-knuckle fighting. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_38">Michaelson</span> was obviously not aware that the hippo is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_39">actually</span> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4cf1Hv5tpc">more <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_40">fricking</span> dangerous than you would think</a>. He was floored with one punch and there, on the floor of a children's play centre and "Kingdom of Fun", ended his musical career.<br /><br />So, what of The House of Cards today? <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_41">Michaelson</span> is now working on a gambling awareness cartoon called '<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_42">PokerMon</span>'. It aims to introduce children to the highs and lows of gambling but takes a cautious and responsible approach. Yes gambling is fine, but doing it once also makes you want to do it lots. It educates kids, advising them what to do with their chips when they're winning with it's snappy catchphrase - 'Gotta Cash em all'. With the recent advances and reduced cost of laser surgery Snake Eyes has finally had the operation he always desired. Now he just gets called Ian. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_43">Babyface</span> (now 63) still has the youthful glow of a man a sixtieth his age. Scientists are interested in carrying out "certain medical procedures" on him to ascertain whether he really holds the secret to eternal youth or whether he has just been taking tips from Andie McDowell. No recordings remain of The House of Cards but it's thought that Snake Eyes' Mum may have one or two cassettes knocking about in the loft.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_44">Interestingly</span>, in 2004 the band appeared as an (incorrect) answer to a question on series two, episode five of hit BBC <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_45">tv</span> show <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_46">QI</span>. The question was 'What shall we do with the drunken sailor?'.Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-21998967389167096722009-06-25T19:51:00.006+01:002009-07-06T19:19:10.674+01:00#32- The Fort Police<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SlDPYmwuPcI/AAAAAAAAAVA/aEw0mqeSlNo/s1600-h/MP.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SlDPYmwuPcI/AAAAAAAAAVA/aEw0mqeSlNo/s320/MP.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5355007978572234178" border="0" /></a>What do you think of when you hear the words "garage music"? Perhaps you think of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eAhrWUME6A">Apple's</a> attempt to take anyone who owns a mac and turn them into someone you have not heard of? Perhaps your first thought is of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UK_garage">UK Garage</a>? We're sorry if your first thought is of UK Garage. We really are.<br /><br />But perhaps you are thinking of the genre of garage music, of teenagers struggling to sound like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ltQtBtpqig">Bo Diddley</a>. If so then we have a story to tell you; and if you were honest, you'd tell us that you have not heard it before.<br /><br />Have you ever visited West Germany? If you're an American, the answer will probably be: only when I was serving in the Army in the 60s. Of every 10 Americans serving in the US Army in the 1960s, 9.76 of the spent some time in West Germany. And 2.82 of them tried to run away rather than get posted to Vietnam. How do you try and stop vast swathes of fit young trained soldiers escape barracks? You call the Military Police!<br /><br />3 of the military policemen tasked with preventing anyone cheesing it were Frank Sutton, Roy Stuart and Ted Bessell. They would search high and low for escapees, deserters or other ne'erdowells and only stop when they had caught their man. Or so it appeared to their commanding officers. In actual fact, Sutton, Stuart and Bessell were involved in quite a large amount of assisting people from fleeing the army into rural Germany and assisting their flight to constitutionally chicken <a href="http://www.radicalmiddle.com/manual.htm">Canada</a>. They had to take the occasional one back, and drive around for days <span style="font-style: italic;">looking</span> like they were looking for someone, but they were most certainly part of the informal group of people able to assist conchies in avoiding the horror of Vietnam era Vietnam.<br /><br />In their long afternoons driving around in their Army jeep, pretending to look for deserters the MPs discussed ice cream, home made pie and the music they all enjoyed. As they were riding together they realised that perhaps they could form an influential rhythm group that melded percussive strumming with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vAMgbGEDTY">layabout antics</a>. They just had the remainder of their tours to serve first.<br /><br />Honourably discharged in 1966, the band got to Great Britain just in time to assist Pickles the dog in finding the Jules Rimet trophy. Deciding to keep their names out of the spotlight for the time-being, the band agreed to let Pickles take all the credit. (Pickles died some years later in a freak <a href="http://www.thisislocallondon.co.uk/news/topstories/790191.how_pickles_the_dog_dug_up_the_accursed_world_cup/">cat-chasing incident</a>. The band attended his funeral along with his owner, David Crobett, and Saint, but not Greavsie.) Following a short stay in Oggsford the band took themselves to Alberta, where they were able to link up with their old Deserter networks and hire practise space for less than a nickel an hour.<br /><br />The first album, "Storebror" played on the paranoia of the late 60s American underground. The band attempted to describe the government as both corrupt, formidable and incompetent. Their argument seemed to say that the government was not above extreme nastiness to it's own citizens, it just wasn't really able to carry through on it or clean the mess up afterwards. Musically, the album sounds like how a buzz cut must be experienced by a louse, with fast and repetitive two-chord movements getting louder and quieter and louder again. The Canadian general public (who by this time were a minority considering the number of draft dodgers in the area) generally did not interact with the band and the audiences were mainly young, American, morally forthright (or downright cowardly) and rich.<br /><br />A second album, "Shelled on the Tips of Fingers" saw the band encouraging other people to come and join those already in Canada, ostensibly to avoid the draft but more probably so that their live shows could be even more packed. By this point the Canadian government had had had enough. The band were sent packing over the border, choosing to be deported to Alaska rather than arrested as soon as they hit the mainland. It must also be remembered that Alaska has a very narrow maritime border with a foreign country, <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2008/09/25/couricandco/entry4478088.shtml">Russia</a>. Sensing that this may be their way to get out of the States as soon as possible, the band did actually try to cross the Bering Straight. Indeed, they made it across the Straight only to find out that Russia is a freaking huge country and they could not actually get <a href="http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?f=d&source=s_d&hl=en&geocode=&saddr=Uelen&daddr=Moscow&sll=66.117736,-170.075226&sspn=0.375851,1.234589&ie=UTF8&ll=66.124407,-169.760742&spn=0.187875,0.617294&z=11">anywhere</a> approaching a city without <a href="http://www.blurtit.com/q314628.html">months more walking</a>. The band walked back along the Straight and decided to drop anchor in Archorage.<br /><br />Settling into the lives of American iconoclasts, the band continued to find an outlet for their strum-heavy brand of political activism. Some 17 albums, of mixed and declining quality have since been released. The band are still considered fugitives in the mainland United States and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FN1YxlZ3zLw">John Rich</a> has personally declared that he will punch them in the nose if he ever gets the chance. Surprisingly, Alaska doesn't care much for mainland rules and the band are free to move about and gig in such interesting places as Trapper Creek, Healy and Anderson. They don't go much further up <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alaska_Route_3">Alaska Route 3</a>, for fear that they may inadvertently end up Eileson Air Force Base. The rumour is that the Military Police is not what it once was.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-73044304885702725682009-06-21T16:33:00.006+01:002009-06-23T08:07:17.215+01:00#31- Save Britain's Heritage v No 1 Poultry Ltd<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/Sj_brdvNp8I/AAAAAAAAAU4/NCHy3y1jMTs/s1600-h/lawyers.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 290px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/Sj_brdvNp8I/AAAAAAAAAU4/NCHy3y1jMTs/s320/lawyers.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350236422102951874" border="0" /></a>Which Dick said "<a href="http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complaint_of_the_Poor_Commons_of_Kent">Let's kill all the lawyers</a>"?<br /><br />The honest answer is that we don't know. All Shakespeare gave us is "Dick" and as there were a few guys named Richard around at the time we can't be clear which one it was. Whoever it was, he had not heard of the next band YOU have not heard of: Save Britain's Heritage v No. 1 Poultry Ltd.<br /><br />Law school is boring and repetitive. You learn some facts, you spew them out on parchment, you have a shower. Most trainee lawyers get themselves through it by thinking of all the gold and jewels they will get in this life<a href="http://www.lawlaughs.com/heaven/thepriest.html"> and the next</a>, when they will enter law heaven. However, our heroes today would not have any gilden trappings of this now or in the future. They were going to be legal aid and Social Security lawyers, testing their toughness and preparedness of mind against <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uLF8l7744k">Yvette Cooper</a> and her department of DWP<a href="http://www.dwp.gov.uk/mediacentre/pressreleases/2009/may/ifd090514-papsat.pdf"> legal eagles </a>in a fight to the lunchtime.<br /><br />Originally, Richard DeVere had tried to become successful in music through the medium of the law gag one hit wonder. The idea was every lawyer would be enthralled by the song long enough to buy it, and if every lawyer in the country bought the song then it would go straight to number 1. Some blame the concept, although others suggest it was the song he chose, but <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-7aD3hcjNg">Mr </a><a href="http://eur-lex.europa.eu/LexUriServ/LexUriServ.do?uri=CELEX:61999J0413:EN:HTML">Baumbastic</a> -a tale of love, loss and entitlement to extended rights due to connection with an education authority gained whilst other rights were being exercised- was not purchased by even 1% of the law community. Saddened by this, DeVere decided to foment an alliance with some of his classmates and make a concept album about the only subject that mattered to him at the time.<br /><br />DeVere hand-picked everyone in his year that could play an instrument: Audrey fforbes-Hamilton tinkled the ivories, Marjory Frobisher blew on an aerophone, Brabinger did whatever came naturally and Brigadier Lemington OBE (real name Arthur Sharp) played the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKTSaezB4p8">bongos </a>with vigour. Their union was to be for only one album and one album only: TV on the Bookio. The concept relied on the difference in legal status caused by the divergent outcomes of the book and television series of Tracy Beaker.<br /><br />In the book "The Story Tracy Beaker" the protagonist was fostered by Cam Lawson, meaning that any care order in place over her remains. This does not necessarily mean that the fostering would end at any point if this continued to be seen as successful. However, in the TV version, in what DeVeres described as "a happy-go-lucky attempt by Social Services to discharge their duty of care in a haphazard and unhelpful way," Tracy is adopted by Cam and her new husband Gary.<br /><br />The album begins with "13, 14, 16", a slow and meditative opener explaining the main legal point of their argument:<br />"13 weeks before you're fourteen,<br />and one day after your sixteenth,<br />then you'd get so much help, love<br />and care, care, care in the world."<br /><br />After setting their legal stall they explained, blisteringly and through the use of Gregorian noise-flute that "Tracy Beaker was Born Innocent." From this point on the album manages to list many of the things being seen as a relevant child or former relevant child would entitle Tracy Beaker to after the age of 16:<br /><ul><li>Full assistance until the age of 18 with all financial and housing costs if required,</li><li>Fees, living and housing costs whilst in full time further and higher education,</li><li>A Pathway Plan and designated worker to assist in times of need both practically and financially,<br /></li><li>Extra duty under the Housing Act 1996 (Amended 2002 and by Priority Needs Order 2001) due to vulnerability caused by being in care, <span style="font-weight: bold;">and</span><br /></li><li>An exemption from the shared room rent condition for Housing Benefit in private properties, allowing the one bedroom rate to be paid to a single person.</li></ul>up until she was 21, or older if she remained in full time education. Sweet.<br /><br />But -the band said- she was robbed of this, and for what? For a change in legal status that made little difference in the long run and provided an unassailable panacea (incorrectly pronounced on the album as pancetta) for the suffering real little children currently in Social Care. The band attest that the best thing was for Cam to foster Tracy in the long term, at least until Tracy is 16 and an eligible child. The BBC, the band decided had erred badly.<br /><br />The BBC have repeatedly failed to comment on the album, or even <a href="http://search.bbc.co.uk/search?uri=%2Fmusic%2F&go=toolbar&q=TV+on+the+Bookio">mention </a>it. Rumours are rife that a number of executive researchers are looking for new jobs after failing to notice the legal issues underlying the problem and Andrew Marr himself is considering coming out in favour of the band's suggestion, if only Terry Wogan will back him. Protests on the streets are becoming louder and more threatening and the BBC is promising to release their own version of the Praetorian Guard (Barry Chuckle and Jim from EastEnders) in order to quell the riots.<br /><br />This is not over yet.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-52067809731622373892009-06-19T21:24:00.032+01:002009-06-20T09:11:55.276+01:00You Have Not Heard - The Book!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sjv5isHXbJI/AAAAAAAAAJ0/Ezt6Y5DDHbI/s1600-h/FINAL+COVER3.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 265px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sjv5isHXbJI/AAAAAAAAAJ0/Ezt6Y5DDHbI/s400/FINAL+COVER3.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5349143356785519762" border="0" /></a>The internet sensation that has taken South Korea and Uruguay by storm is set to be released as a paperback! Great!<br /><br />You will be able to join with us as we recall once again some of the greatest acts that never quite found fame, including such luminaries as The LLandudno Border Colliers, Dismissive Missive, The Gaffer Tapes and more!<br /><br />Along the way we hope to answer such questions as:<br /><br />-Why do birds suddenly appear?<br />-What is the world record for capuchin monkeys wearing trousers?<br />-What is Bono's favourite colour?<br /><br />The crickets are already calling it THE paperback release about bands that You Have Not Heard of 2009. You can guarantee that someone somewhere will rate it at least three thumbs up out of fourteen.<br /><br />It's coming. You can't stop it. You may not want it but you will buy it. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll get that thing where a little bit of sick comes up.<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:85%;">Contains approximately 0.5% new material.</span>Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-59843774809648997582009-06-15T21:06:00.387+01:002009-07-19T12:13:24.184+01:00#30 Widget<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sjas7T3sZSI/AAAAAAAAAIU/sDh0-cJegAw/s1600-h/robots.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 198px; height: 299px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sjas7T3sZSI/AAAAAAAAAIU/sDh0-cJegAw/s400/robots.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347651742495171874" border="0" /></a>Who knew that robots would ever amount to so <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrWBz-fp05Y&feature=related">much</a>? After all, their school reports were always so mediocre... "Little Robby understands the practical applications of metaphysics, and has an appreciation for the Renaissance painters, but has a tendency to torment his fellow pupils before blasting them with his ray gun eyes". "Mickey tries hard but can sometimes go a bit 'HAL9000'. When I asked him to sit down and be quiet he said - 'I know you and Frank are planning to seat me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen'. I don't even know who Frank is". Distraught teachers aside, nowadays we rely on tiny robots to practically run our lives. Not only that, but little Robby's great great grandson's brains now power my waffle iron. Amazing!<br /><br />If 'Batteries Not Included' taught us one thing it's that if your apartment building is about to be torn down by faceless corporate America you can rely on robots from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">outerspace</span> to lend you a helping hand. And if that, and toasting waffles is all they ever achieve, they can power down happy. But wait! Here we have a robot who made a name for himself in the world of music. A robot who tore up the user manual and dared to press 'Control Alt Funk'.<br /><br />The Dave Matthews Band, Van <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Halen</span>, and The Barry <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Manilow</span> Experience. Everyone knows that the greatest bands are named after their lead singer. The band Widget were no exception, taking their name from main protagonist Widget 2000. The band consisted Widget on all instruments and six <a href="http://www-03.ibm.com/servers/resources/servers_eserver_zseries_zvse_images_history_ibm370-135.jpg">Servers</a> at the University of California which ensured Widget kept in time, tune and within legal levels of decibels. For all intents and purposes Widget was a computer chip inside a large box. Despite this, he was a dashing young android with the computing power of two and a half Carol <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Vodermans</span>, and the looks of a robot James Dean. Widget was originally designed by professors at the University of California, having been commissioned by the Secretary of Defence. He was going to be the next big thing in human cyborg relations - a cold merciless killing machine. But, just like Vin Diesel and 1980s Action Man, he had a beautiful singing voice. It was this that saved him from a life of time, grime and war crimes. Having been fitted with one of the earliest form of artificial intelligence he quickly developed complex self awareness and could even tell the difference between some reds and greens, despite being colour blind.<br /><br />The band were nurtured by the professors at UCLA and encouraged to produce music. Widget's combined relay protocol transfer system networking capabilities made them the most prolific song writers in the business. By the end of their career they had produced over thirty five thousand albums. The most noteworthy include:<br /><br />Binary and Finery<br />Mean Machine<br />I, Widget<br />Cyborg Relations<br />By-Onyx<br />Mega Bits/Mega Bucks! (The Best Of)<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">01101001011011100010000001110100<br />0110100001100101001000000110001<br />0011000010110001001111001001000<br />0001101101011000010110101101100<br />1010111001001110011001000000110<br />0010011000010110001001111001</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Rickypedia</span> (Edit Him At Your Peril (Cos He Has Laser Gun Knees))<br />Raindrops and Petticoats<br />Automaton Love<br />Eh? Aye!<br />I love 01011001 01001000 01001110 01001000<br /><br />They have been so productive that instead of a year of release, each title is given a time and date of release. In one night alone the septet had written, recorded and mastered twelve thousand songs. Seminal work "The Appliance of Violence", which hit the charts at 4:05am on 15 March 1972, is their magnum opus. It charts Widget 2000's early battles with current abuse and domestic violence. The sounds he emitted from his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">tonebox</span> on this album were without doubt some of the freshest, tastiest bytes ever produced. Their live performances were their tour <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">de</span> force. A Widget gig was sort of like playing a Spectrum <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">ZX</span> with your eyes closed, without touching any buttons and whilst standing next to a hundred or so other people wearing 'I Heart Linux' and 'Jobs for President' t-shirts doing exactly the same.<br /><br />Wheeled onto stage by burly roadies he would sit centre stage, with the Servers appearing on big screens behind him. San Antonio 12 May 1978. The finest gig to ever feature a robot performer live linked to to the rest of his band. Widget busted out a superb blend of classics, new songs and an acoustic half hour that drained the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">milliamps</span> for a radius of three miles. "Is everybody feeling adequately entertained and refreshed?" Widget quipped (he always had a great rapport with his fans). "My memory circuits are telling me that you have provided satisfactory levels of appreciation tonight. For that my pleasure unit is thankful". It was then, during his fifth encore that he broke out the Ms <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Pacman</span> theme. Well, what can you say to that. It <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">wasnt</span> until primates started throwing barrels and foxes started piloting sophisticated spacecraft in the 80s that geeks would again wet themselves in unison with such aplomb.<br /><br />At their height Widget regularly appeared in the popular Computer and Robotics <a href="http://www.vintage-computer.com/sextant.shtml">periodicals of the day</a> and could count Dolly <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Parton</span> and Donald Trump amongst their famous fans. However, by the end of the 70s Widget's antics became more bizarre as the power went to his head. Central to the problems was his relationship with hot to trot celebrity of the day - <a href="http://www-03.ibm.com/ibm/history/exhibits/vintage/images/4506VV1001.jpg">Deep Blue</a>. Believe it or not IBM were happy for<span style="font-family:georgia;"> their </span><span style=";font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;" ><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">protégé</span></span> <span style="font-family:georgia;">to date Widget. They felt it was healthy for two young brilliant minds to want to do what they computed appropriate. Widget rejected the suggestion that the relationship was a publicity stunt at the couples fifth vow renewal. Despite this it wasn't long after that they declared themselves "incompatible". Rumour has it that that a dashing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">youn</span></span>g Russian named Gary Kasparov had come between them. Two days after the public break-up, whilst on stage in San Fransisco, Widget declared himself king of all Transformers. He managed to bend himself into the shape of a unicorn riding a panda before short circuiting. It was the beginning of the end for Widget the band. The Servers were getting <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">angsty</span> at not being able to be present at their gigs, and motioned for a change of name to 'Widget and the Servers'. Truth be told they just wanted a piece of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Parton</span>.<br /><br />On 17 December 1982 Widget was pronounced obsolete - beyond patching and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">after they realised defragging</span> really wasn't doing anything. Widget may be long gone but his memory lives on (it was the only salvageable part of him). The Servers continue to make music to this day as a six piece Barbershop Quartet. Just weeks after he powered down it was released that he had a particularly virulent Trojan - probably introduced by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">USB</span> stick whilst his firewall was down. Gary Kasparov - I'm looking at you here.<br /><br />So, each time you put on an audio disc, play Space Invaders at your local arcade or boot up your BBC Micro just remember - there is a little bit of Widget in there. Who knows, one day there may even be a full motion robot band whose metallic, boxy, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">warblings</span> will have us getting our old <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">LPs</span> out and saying "you do know that they are just a Widget rip off son?". In the mean time if it is monotone tunes devoid of emotion you are after you may have to stick the next best thing. The new Athlete album is out in September.Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-54655111861933325462009-06-14T14:35:00.008+01:002009-06-18T19:42:33.557+01:00#29 Fingers Like Fish<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/Sjae0K4LRgI/AAAAAAAAAUw/FdRdQVo2RVU/s1600-h/The+Captain,+circa+1948.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 198px; height: 279px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/Sjae0K4LRgI/AAAAAAAAAUw/FdRdQVo2RVU/s320/The+Captain,+circa+1948.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347636226659403266" border="0" /></a>It's pretty hard to be legitimate when you've been sold out in childhood. Just ask <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb5DkLd22Ic">Fergie</a>; she had to go from being on American TV to joining the the royal family to do whatever it is she does now. The next band that You have Not Heard of tried to mark a similar trajectory but -as ever on this site- it turned out to be a pronounced parabola, as gravity's rainbow took it's toll once more.<br /><br />We all know Captain Crowsfeet fish fingers: "Get your fishy fishy fingers and stick 'em in your face, don't let the cameras see you, or there'll be a disgrace." And of course we all remember the adverts, where our whiskered Captain would chase a group of children around an island and then reveal his "treasure", which happily turned out to be some fish fingers and not anything else.<br /><br />Five of the children chased around the island were Cecelia Bloom, Hillary Essex, Sammy Pinkers, Iris Myandowski and Julie Burrows. Most of these young children had not really been asked or allowed to contemplate whether or not they wanted to be thrust into the spotlight. Their parents had always just assumed they wanted to be famous and didn't care how that happened. Whether this is true or not, after a couple of years on The Captain's Ship (and indeed, for Pinkers, on the Captain's Table) the children wanted nothing more than to be done with celebrity and fame.<br /><br />But how does one redeem oneself? Is there any penance or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DN__LdCFQFU">indulgence</a> possible for you to overcome the tainting process of blanket advertising? Could they waltz past pictures of their own faces in order to gain entrance to the back door of a toilet gig-house? Would they be courted by A&R people wanting to feed off their story into multi-platinum soul-free recordings? Would the Captain make a comeback to show them the rest of his treasure? To answer those questions, yes, yes and no, because he's fictional. But then yes.<br /><br />Sure, not selling out was very hard. They had people trying to sign them before the gigs even took place, not having heard anything. Of course the back story was very easy to write into a press release and the <a href="http://www.lastplanetojakarta.com/2009/04/lptj_providing_gratis_comparis.html"></a><a href="http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-media-kit.htm">media </a><a href="http://www.lastplanetojakarta.com/2009/04/lptj_providing_gratis_comparis.html">kit</a> probably makes itself if left unattended for any length of time. The band had to try so hard not to get signed that they would avoid putting their name on anything, travelling under pseudonyms (would you believe, they used sit-com character names!) and avoiding all hand-based communication with the deaf. Eventually they succumbed to the sweet sweet soothings of indie-nerd label MUGAdeath. The label was known for its open ended contracts and that all of the business operations were conducted under a metal basketball net, which was itself in front of a soccer goal and next to some fixed cricket stumps with no bail. Here the band signed and their music was set to be produced, distributed and, who knows, perhaps even listened to.<br /><br />The band hit the studio and the studio did not know what hit it. It was the band. 11 breezy, sweet, densely written songs were recorded in a little over 3 days. Someone at the record company suggested calling the genre applecore, but that <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=applecore">had apparently already been done</a>. Eventually they decided to call the genre Macawcore, as Essex's vocals matched that of a restless screeching bird. The album lyrics and title "Fortress of Solitude, Fortress of Peenemünd", referred to the band's constant insistence that scientific discoveries had a value on their own, unconnected with the way in which those discoveries are used. Self-elected social commentators have stated that perhaps the band were doing this in order to salvage their acting reputations from the grips of Captain Crowsfeet. Other social commentators have said that's just silly.<br /><br />By the second album, "HyperHysterical Realism" the band were disintegrating fast. Recording in different rooms, using different demo tapes and recording different songs, the band managed to create an air of cogency through the production of Masso Much, who was lucky enough to hear music <a href="http://scienceblogs.com/retrospectacle/lsd%20kid.jpg">very, very well</a>. Few people agreed and it sold fewer units than The Captain's Cod Conkers, a nutty brew of farm-grown fish and horse-chesnuts.<br /><br />The band are in talks with the Captain for a reunion tour. Their dreams of artistic independence lie in tatters and all parties agree that everyone's careers can only be saved by an unholy reunion. A new generation will now find where he keeps his treasure. We can only hope he hasn't moved it.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-87825116329362368072009-06-08T21:56:00.165+01:002009-06-09T20:12:07.950+01:00#28 Tawdry Hepburn<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Si16v7VDedI/AAAAAAAAAIE/ExLPeM37SyM/s1600-h/TH.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Si16v7VDedI/AAAAAAAAAIE/ExLPeM37SyM/s400/TH.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345063296557087186" border="0" /></a>Hillbilly rock, hillbilly roll, stand in line and away we go.... Away we go that is to the The Ear Nose and Throat Museum of Amsterdam. The unlikely setting for the genesis of a four piece US girl band you might think. And you would be wrong. It all makes sense when you get to know a little bit more about Tawdry Hepburn...<br /><br />Now don't get confused. We are not talking about the cockney B*Witched with guitars - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6p42dfyJqQ">Hepburn</a> here. There are marked differences between the two. Whilst Hepburn would say - "'Ello guv'nor. Oi just got apples and pears down me ole dicky dirt oi did". Tawdry Hepburn would be all like; "Look-ie here mister. I be sayin that you be headin' fo' a hidin' from one of them po-lice". Besides, our four piece girl group have probably never heard of the UK's Hepburn or, wait for it, even B*Witched. I know, I know! As you can no doubt guess from the southern drawl Tawdry Hepburn are a four piece girl group from Birmingham, Alabama where the men look like women and the women look like ZZ Top. Population 229,800.<br /><br />Despite being in the deep south, Birmingham Alabama is, in alot of ways, sort've like Birmingham, UK. It has an airport - just like Birmingham UK. It has a population of both men <span style="font-style: italic;">and</span> women just like Birmingham, UK. Birmingham, UK is affectionately called the Black Country whilst deep south Birmingham.... er.... that's probably where the similarity ends.<br /><br />The two sets of twin girls (Laine, Blane, Jayne and Bobbie-Jo Leigh) were brought up in the US city until the age of 13. It was at that age that the problems started, problems with paperbacks that is. Apparently the young tearaways would enlist the help of their fellow classmates (forced or otherwise) into recreating some of children's literature's finest moments. Fine, you might think. Children should get more out of books, you might think. I can't even begin to tell you how many goats perished in a rather ambitious re-creation of Heidi. On another occasion they broke into the local zoo taking class punch bag Randal McShuttlecock with them dressed as a poor old washer woman, in search of a vole and a badger. Forget Grand Theft Auto, Kenneth Graham has a lot to answer for.<br /><br />With their children facing serious charges of endangering a goat under the influence and demeaning a male otter with intent, their parents decide to move to Amsterdam to start a new life with all four daughters in tow. They had heard great things about the Dutch capital - a city of culture and history with no Randal McShuttlecock and, possibly more importantly, no otters.<br /><br />The band's parents found gainful employment in the local library. They were perfectly placed to head of any future 'mishaps' with their daughters. When no one was looking they would secretly remove all the copies of Black Beauty and Gulliver's Travels. In some cases they would look for sections which could easily be turned into impromptu drama skits and would blank them out with a marker pen. <br /><br />By the age of seventeen the girls all had a weekend job at Amsterdam's premier ear nose and throat museum - The Ear Nose and Throat Museum of Amsterdam. Blaine covered the section devoted to ears, Laine noses and Jayne throats. Bobbie-Jo worked in the gift shop on account of her 'purdy disposition'. After just three months Bobbie-Jo had had her fill of selling novelty ear-rasers and nose pencil sharpeners and, together with her sisters, planned a walkout. It was a particularly bad day at the office - Laine was dressed as a nose, Blaine an ear and Jayne as the lower pharynx. They requested a meeting with their manager Ronald VanRutgers. "Lookie ear Mr Ronald - we've had enough of this and we nose you nose that we have". They had clearly worked there too long and were also suffering severe literature deprivation. "You will just have to spell esophagus without us" they retorted and stormed out in a flurry of orifice paraphernalia.<br /><br />It seemed that their early dreams of a life teaching Amsterdammers about the joys of the eustachian tube were not quite what they imagined. Their reaction? To form a pop rock, dixie inspired girl group that would mix good ole fashioned hoity-toity ho-downs with a riot of indie punk which quickly became known as Hick-rock. The Dutch loved Tawdry Hepburn as one of their own. This is hardly surprising when you consider that 'Dutch music' is possibly the greatest of all oxymorons. The only notable exception is the popsters responsible for the theme tune to hit tv show 'Friends' -<a href="http://beckyboop.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/rembrandt1661.jpg">The Rembrants</a>. Who else is there? Contrary to popular belief the Cardigans were actually from the Nicaragua and Golden Earring were just rubbish. The Dutch dedication and protection of this group goes a long way to explaining why You Have Not Heard of this redneck quartet.<br /><br />The girls played in Amsterdam bars on a Friday night whipping up quite a following. They were spotted by an industry whizz from Irate Puppy Records, whosigned them up on the spot. Their first single Moonshine Micky went straight in at number one in the Dutch pop charts. In March 1998 their first album 'Formaldahide Your Love From Me' was released to critical acclaim. Their label managed to book them into a slot on hit Dutch music TV show 'Wau! Pop!'. Host Jaap VanHeerenveen took to them immediately and it was on his advice that that try and break the American market.<br /><br />Leaving their parents back in the 'Dam they moved triumphantly back to Birmingham in 1999. Not satisfied with becoming Birmingham Alabama's greatest export since the original Birmingham was exported to the US over nine hundred years ago the girls returned to conquer the states. Despite initial interest from the public the girls have made very little impact since returning home ten years ago, but they still play every Friday night at Randy Jo's Bar. Laine has six children (five of which may be hers). Blaine has joined some sort of clan thingmy her boyfriend runs - she's not sure if it's really for her, but she likes to keep busy. Jayne and Bobbie-Jo have set up their own musical detective agency. Their first job was to foil an operation in which Mexicans were being brought into the states inside the stomachs of live cows. It turns out it was local law official OfficerJackson all along. "And i wud've gotta away with it if it weren't for your pesky riffs" he retorted rather pugnaciously. Linedance your way out of that one Officer!<br /><br />So, what is left for this fearsome foursome? Well they have only ever really had one dream - to one day emulate the success of their hero Miley Ray Cyrus (wife and sister of "achey brakey" Billy Bob Thornton). Who knows one day they may just make it.<br /><br />Hillbillies eh? What's all that about?Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-32613426556893020332009-06-07T14:14:00.004+01:002009-06-07T16:16:34.431+01:00#27 Born Again, Dead Again<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SivZverN_NI/AAAAAAAAAUo/kq-htFvOFO4/s1600-h/baby1ph.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 208px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SivZverN_NI/AAAAAAAAAUo/kq-htFvOFO4/s320/baby1ph.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5344604792516639954" border="0" /></a>Leeds Corn Exchange. Two things you think you'd assume from the name is:<br /><ol><li>You'd be able to buy food,</li><li>Said food will be sold at wholesale prices.</li></ol>Until recently, you'd be wrong about the first point. You were not able to buy food at Leeds Corn Exchange unless you ate it in the cafe. The place was a rough and ready youth-centred shopping arcade, selling jokey t-shirts, canvas prints and humorous postcards. To compliment this an increasingly large group of Goths used to hang around outside, trying to summon up the courage to go in and ask for a t-shirt that said "Nobody Known I'm a Plebian" or "The Penguins are not responsible for my Sanity" or indeed anything you could get on a t-shirt that <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2006/jun/09/buyingmusic.comment">Sandi Thom</a> hadn't stolen and make crap by association.<br /><br />Then the bankers came along and turned the Corn Exchange into a food emporium. This means the food is not cheap at all. They turfed out the current tenants and convinced most of the Goths to go away and leave them to tuck into their steak tartare in peace. Thus a large, migratory group of mostly wholesome young people set about finding somewhere they could hang <a href="http://www.york.ac.uk/library/informationfor/alumni/">without formality</a>. This became challenge of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NHbOqmNVm8">practically biblical proportions</a>, when the Goths found that no-one else wanted them. Indeed, at only one location was hanging around outside in large numbers acceptable to the other people nearby. That place was the Family Planning Clinic.<br /><br />When the latter-day wanders arrived they were greeted by cheers, handed placards and ginger cake and asked to sign about 40 petitions. They did this with glee and gamely held the placards whilst maintaining their normal activities of talking, playing unamplified electric guitar and smoking roll-ups.<br /><br />Eventually though, they had to justify to themselves why they were standing outside an abortion clinic. They were lucky to have one of the best Goth philosophers in all Christendom with them. Darkcartes took three gruelling weeks to graft pro-life sensibilities onto Goth's overriding philosophy. His argument started with the lemma that the goal of existence for Goths was to choose to feel suffering.<br /><br />§ Choosing to embrace rather than repudiate suffering sets the Goths apart from other people.<br />§ Suffering at it's most extreme is represented by the thought of hell.<br />§ The ultimate Goth ambition is to embrace the suffering of hell.<br />§ Physical pain and cruelty cannot in-themselves create suffering.<br />§ Pain, death and other forms of physical intervention <span style="font-style: italic;">relieve</span> suffering rather than continue it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Conclusion 1:</span> Goths prefer life to death.<br /><br />§ Life includes talking, thinking, holding and maintaining the concept of physical pain and death.<br />§ One cannot be a Goth until you have chosen to embrace suffering and the thought of pain.<br />§ You cannot decide whether to embrace suffering until you have been born.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Conclusion 2: </span>Foetuses cannot be Goths.<br /><br />§ A person needs to choose whether they embrace suffering in order to have successfully lived.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Conclusion 3: </span>Foetuses should not be denied the choice to be Goths.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Conclusion 4: </span>Abortion prevents the choice of conclusion 3 and is therefore wrong.<br /><br />Darkcartes also stated that "If you wake up one day and you have a tennis player attached to you, and the doctors tell you it's going to last for 9 months, then think how much suffering that's going to cause. Their going to go on and on about their backhand and how much training they're going to have to do and whether they'll ever be good enough for their overbearing father and on and on and bleeding well on. Well, you can just imagine the suffering you're going to go through for 9 months. Lucky guy!"<br /><br />Now what the heck does this have to with bands? Well, 4 of the assorted dark-rockers took the philosophy of Darkcartes and put it to music. The resulting album "Darkness of the Womb" was a moderate success amongst their friends. It's unfair to call it drone metal; they just didn't know how to turn the amplifiers down.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-40382201368823677232009-06-06T15:49:00.004+01:002009-06-06T16:02:21.474+01:00Normal Service Will Resume Shortly<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SiqE0LQvINI/AAAAAAAAAUI/cPtHmBtKksg/s1600-h/European_Elections_tcm29-174670.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 198px; height: 132px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/SiqE0LQvINI/AAAAAAAAAUI/cPtHmBtKksg/s320/European_Elections_tcm29-174670.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5344229939739566290" border="0" /></a>We're sorry. There has been some busy-ness of late and neither of us have been able to post about bands You have Not Heard.<br /><br />Specifically; I have been standing in the European elections and the last few days have required heavy campaigning. As a member of The Christian English Workers Socialist-Democratic Liberal Tory Lib-Lab Natural Law and Order (Special Victim's Unit) (George Galloway) Party my work has been cut out, arguing with the good people of this country that we should be in, out, all about and leading Europe by the nose.<br /><br />Tom has been recovering from an illness he'd prefer me not to mention by name. Rest assured, penicillin cures it right up in no time at all. Thank goodness we live in the 21st Century!piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-7876792923618721912009-05-29T17:37:00.084+01:002009-06-02T23:25:37.494+01:00#26 Citizen Suit<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sh7EPc1YQYI/AAAAAAAAAHs/qyIoDmR82tI/s1600-h/green.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 243px; height: 248px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sh7EPc1YQYI/AAAAAAAAAHs/qyIoDmR82tI/s400/green.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340921977825149314" border="0" /></a>Did you know, 40% of the world's surface is covered in bands You Have Not Heard of? The other 60% is mainly taken up with U2's sense of self satisfaction. Citizen Suit are most definitely in the lower, but undoubtedly more <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">eco</span>-friendly of the two percentiles.<br /><br />Citizen Suit are one of those new 'Eco-bands' you have been hearing so much about from this blog entry. They are the next big thing to come out of <a href="http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/treehouse-2.jpg">Swampy</a>, the Polecats Riots of the 1980s and having too much time on your hands <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> to buy a car, watch Top Gear, and think the Jeremy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Clarkson</span> should really be the next Prime Minister. After all he talks such sense.<br /><br />Randall P Dusk, Trevor Hope Lennon and Cosmic Daphne are our fearsome trio, who are in fact just one member short of a quartet. Interesting. The name, 'Citizen Suit', is somewhat of a sly misnomer on the part of the group. They pride themselves on never having warn a suit (except for that time when Trevor got sick all down his only <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Thundercats</span> t-shirt and had no choice but to don jacket and tie). They also refuse to exist as "citizens of a country which persecutes the barn owl and threatens the very existence of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">natterjack</span> toads of the West <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Drayton</span> area by the expansion of that new <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Lidl</span>".<br /><br />Despite their clearly defined moral stance the band weren't always this green. Sure they used to turn their washing machines down to 30° and ensure their <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">humvees</span> were taken off standby but, frankly, who doesn't? Some argue that they are now cashing in the good intentions of a population. A population who have been duped into thinking the end is nigh if they don't swap their existing frying pan for a plug and play, energy saving model. Their fans on the other hand would argue that the band, and Dusk in particular, have a higher calling to educate and nurture the world's population to a better future, in harmony with ourselves and our little vole buddies.<br /><br />The rarely bathed trio started out in a flat in London with a pair of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">bongoes</span> and, that staple of all fledgling musicians, the Early Learning Centre kazoo. They would busk day and night in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Covent</span> Garden, earning literally pounds for just an hours work. The group quickly became fans of the obscure ethnic instrument, and the more ethnically obscure the better. Each member of the group is well rehearsed in the use of, amongst others, the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Didgeriflute</span> from the Former Yugoslav Republic of Pakistan, the Bass-a-ma-panpipes from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Argentania</span>, and a copy of New Internationalist magazine played with a violin bow, from all good newsagents.<br /><br />To this day they live like trendy urban nomads, setting up camp in a new London village each night. At first it was a daily struggle against the fat cats, who would sneak into their camp late at night and eat all the cornflakes. Who would have thought something so orange could be so girth augmenting? By the summer of 2007 that they had created a name for themselves in the deprived West <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Kensington</span> slum area of London, and formed collaborations with other groups who were also exploiting the area. Of particular note are their efforts with both local <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">panpipe</span> heroes '¡<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">DeepPan</span>!' from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Guatemalia</span> and 'Pan on Pan Action' from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Peruvia</span>. "I'm like Francis of Assisi, Doolittle wants to be me, the sea creatures they all love me, 'Cos we all need a Porpoise" they would chant in unison.<br /><br />Several unquestioningly positive things have come out of the band's existence. Their 'Hug a Badger Programme' for young offenders and their 'Recycle to Work Scheme' to name but a few. And, of course not forgetting their '<a href="http://www.celebritymooch.com/images/celebrity-lego/alan-titchmarsh.jpg">Deport Alan <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Titchmarsh</span> Petition</a>' - not so much to save the planet, but a good idea nonetheless (if only for his novels).<br /><br />Their first and only disc is a concept album on which they decided to parody the Amazon <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">rainforest</span> and it's contents. The quirky and quip laden thirty minute <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">ethno</span>-fest pokes fun at everything from loggers (effeminate lady-boys) to Japanese whalers (dubbed the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">al</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">qaeda</span> of the seas on track three - 'I can't believe they Nine-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">Elevened</span> a Narwhal'). "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">Treefrog</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">greenfrog</span>, your feet stick to the big log" they gibed. Inspirational if true. The album 'Tropical Satire' was released on 2 March 2009 and is available direct from the band only - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">infront</span> of them as they busk (just put a donation in their Sitar-a-phone case). I give the album three thumbs up out of fourteen, and that's despite the fact that every purchase comes with a free bag for life.<br /><br />Citizen Suit are currently taking a gap year rearing young pygmy goats on a farm just outside <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">Staines</span>, West London. In their place other bands have sprung up hoping to benefit from the early groundwork laid by Citizen Suit - Tribe of the Savanna from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">Hounslow</span> and Children of the Mangrove from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">Musgrove</span>, to name but two.<br /><br />So, for those of us left wondering where this whole <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">eco</span>-band phenomenon is taking us I implore you to watch <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWTJipuRwAM">this</a>. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29">Ok</span>, so that didn't have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30">alot</span> to do with new music but hey, at least we can all sleep soundly knowing that the size of a whale is the exact distance between a toddler's raised hands. And that that kind of knowledge is well celebrated in Philadelphia. And after all - isn't that all that really matters in the end? Isn't it?<br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sh71AyuJQrI/AAAAAAAAAH0/AHMDk_UHrG8/s1600-h/tree.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 20px; height: 17px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/Sh71AyuJQrI/AAAAAAAAAH0/AHMDk_UHrG8/s200/tree.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340975602072109746" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);font-size:78%;" ><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">What harm will one more sheet of paper do? Go on, print this blog entry.<br /></span></span>Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-27066985824241395292009-05-24T15:27:00.004+01:002009-05-25T14:36:01.582+01:00#25 Fit Female Bassists<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/ShqeciwfuRI/AAAAAAAAAUA/Acu-Ok9LJu8/s1600-h/finger.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 223px; height: 353px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/ShqeciwfuRI/AAAAAAAAAUA/Acu-Ok9LJu8/s320/finger.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5339754521404881170" border="0" /></a>Sometimes it's hard to be a woman. Never more so than in the macho world of twee indie rock, where women are frequently used only as eye candy, bassists or sleepy backing vocalists. Fit Female Bassists came to change all of that. Their success was limited, but the unexpected outcome was some sweet-natured musical moments of musical happiness.<br /><br />Our band was formed when the women realised they would get nowhere with the help of men; nowhere that is, except to be left holding a bass guitar or a baby. The 4 members<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punk_house"> hired a flat</a> in Monkton and set about trying to destroy the male dominated music industry. Diana Trent, the permanently elected spokeswoman for the group also played the electric guitar in normal tuning. Jane Edwards produced the literature and played the electric guitar in drop C tuning. Marion Ballard concentrated on long-term strategic vision and played the acoustic guitar in whichever of Joni Mitchell's <a href="http://jonimitchell.com/music/notation.cfm">tunings</a> she saw fit at the time. Sarah Snow provided 2nd tier logistical support and played the cymbal.<br /><br />The first record "women deserve more than an hour" came with 4 posters, a 107 page manifesto, an equal opportunities monitoring form and instructions on how to get the album in 18 different languages, braille and in large print. It also advised listeners that "If you need any assistance in understanding what this album means, please seek help from your local Citizen's Advice Bureau or other advice agency before doing anything else."<br /><br />The manifesto -whichever language you happened to read it in- would have been more help if it wasn't just a sequence of unexplained and poorly linked together three-letter acronyms. One particularly excruciating sentence read "We shall look to link BIP with BAP in line with further strategic objectives of GAP, TAP, WIP and FIG, looking further to SWQ the XCV parameters."<br /><br />Luckily, the album itself had some musical gems. "Bulbous Lobes" told the story of one woman's struggle against mastoiditis, "UVA UVB UVme" is an impassioned call to remain pastily skinned in summer and "Diaper Factory" is about a diaper factory where women make money to spend on their children. Throughout, the different tunings and lush arrangements make the band sound like BIS on horse-tranquillisers, or Sonic Youth fronted by Jean Sibelius in a particularly wistful mood. With their accidentals pock-marking the passages and duelling guitars managing to endeavour through a prism of non-competitive games, the band make a melodic but arrhythmic 45 minutes of joy. It's frankly -and I say this as a man- stonking stuff. Enjoyment of it is tempered by the need to fill in an online "Tell us what you think" form every time you listen to the album; you have to rate Timbre as either well above satisfactory, above satisfactory, satisfactory, below satisfactory or well below satisfactory. To be honest, timbre doesn't change much on multiple listens and we'd appreciate being asked once and once alone.<br /><br />This would all be very much in the YHNH field of experience only. But there is something in the back of your mind thinking "I'm sure I've heard of these women before." You'd be right, but that shameful story is almost too heartbreaking to tell. I do so only on the precondition that you have box of tissues awaiting your tears.<br /><br />At a quorate meeting of the 4 members of the band it was decided that they would move forward by asking real women for their views. In a mix up attributed by the band to anything but committee thinking, the questionnaires were sent to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pl7Dpx83Ce4">Colleen's Real Women</a>, who -God help us all- responded and CCed the questionnaire to Loose Women: TV's answer to the question "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnkEJCkF6mE">what are Lynda Bellingham's finances looking like</a>?" The responses received from the questionnaire revealed that 'real women' are interested in:<br /><ul><li>Why their husbands always leave the car keys in different places,</li><li>What is the best way to marry a footballer,</li><li>Has anyone seen the new Batman film? I loved the makeup,</li><li>Why does the lady that brings the tea think she can have a conversation with us?</li><li>What do I do all day when my husband is at work?</li><li>Doesn't everyone agree with me? Girls. you agree with me, yeah?</li><li>And, last and oddest of all "<a href="http://withaballoon.co.uk/tag/lynda-bellingham/">let's have a revolution</a>!"</li></ul>Feeling bound to these responses, the group could do nothing else but produce a poor pop album where women's oppression was not understood, merely felt. Although they tried to reconcile this with a project they assumed they would do at some point in the future, they were sad that they had not been able to delineate the groundings of a woman's condition before they told anyone how strange it must be to be The Woman Destroyed. The circumstances forced them to the corner and they bravely fought it with all their hearts. Still, this would be a bizarre little story to tell if it were not for track 6 on the album "The Octopussycat Molls".<br /><br />Whilst actually a slightly strained reference to about 6 different things at once, the track was assumed by all and sundry to be an attack song on the Pussycat Dolls. The Dolls themselves, always open to some free publicity and to get in a fight (let alone to fight a common enemy to prevent any more <a href="http://loft965.com/2009/04/27/melody-thornton-reveals-pussycat-dolls-fight-at-concert/">internal friction</a>) released a 'response'' song "Unfit for porpoise, porbass or portcullis".<br /><br />Unable to take the pressure of fighting a very different group with a very different ethos, and, frankly, slightly sick of each other's moralising, Fit Female Bassists look like they are on the way out. They just need to wait until the AGM to make that decision.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-941118696395104802009-05-23T09:39:00.005+01:002009-06-02T19:47:30.826+01:00#24 Hearing Cape for the Mute<span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/ShW1HI-ICNI/AAAAAAAAAHc/w2y4u6mNSmg/s1600-h/capes.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 199px; height: 280px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vD9Nije-Lls/ShW1HI-ICNI/AAAAAAAAAHc/w2y4u6mNSmg/s400/capes.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5338372067589359826" border="0" /></a>Everyone knows capes are cool. Capes are this year's raccoon skin hat. Everyone knows being mute is cool. Being mute is this year's being blind. So a cape that makes mute people hear is super cool! Hearing Cape for the Mute are the epitome of cool - dressed head to toe in tailored fur suits. However, as you may expect from a band who come from a country where the sun always sets and reindeer are your feudal overlords, their music is on the relentlessly grim side.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >Above right - Geoff Capes in a cape (not in Hearing Cape for the Mute)</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><br />These Finnish alt rockers offer more <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoegazing">shoegazing</a> than if Ride and My Bloody Valentine organised a joint day trip to the Clarks outlet shop at <a href="http://img128.imageshack.us/img128/4759/chavs2bn1.jpg">Lakeside</a>. Unfortunately when you spend so much time looking down you tend to walk into lamposts or make debut albums so poor even the NME don't like it before not liking it or vice versa.<br /><br />The trio started out in downtown Helsinki in a student bedsit, eating pickled herring on toast and listening to Weather Report albums for years on end. Tove Hattifatteners, Jansson Pietilä and My Hemulen all found themselves working in the local Old Fashioned Sweet Emporium. The band practiced regularly but never took it too seriously until Tove, in a pickled herring stupor, had this great idea for a book in which an underwater paradise is populated by people with snorkels on their heads. Thus 'The Snorks' was born and went on to become a hit TV show, and not just in Belgium. Interestingly, you would never see a Snork surface for air and Tove never did explain why they needed snorkels if they could breath underwater already. You'd think the greedy bastards would be content with gills, but no.<br /><br />Using the funds created by his venture in to the world of animation Tove relocated the band to London in 1991 where they met up with their good friends, and Finnish musical counterparts, HIM. At the time the members of HIM were working as usherettes at the local picture house. 'Salt or sweet?' they enquired and 'Show you to your seat guv'nor?' they would quip. The two bands shared a flat in Pimlico because they liked the way it sounded - PIM-LICO. Brilliant! they thought.<br /><br />However, the good times and the money didn't last long. The group had bought so many Weather Report records that they could literally no longer move in their flat (and their herring contingency fund had taken a battering). HIM got a bit angry, moved out and became the goth rockers we know and detest today. So, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">being migrant workers Tove and his buddies popped down to the jobcentre to pick up their state supplied standard issue mobile phone, keys to their mini mopeds and brand new leather jackets. They spent their nights playing Wolfenstien on LAN and chuckling to themselves about how after five years in the country they could collect the leather trousers to go with that jacket.<br /><br />Around the same time they had a residency at Copa Capybara in Camden and were gigging nightly. On the back of their minor live success they released the 1996 album 'Take You Down To Chinatown'. The morose self indulgent depress-fest was nothing if not terrible, or 'clappen trappen' as the Finnish press dubbed it.<br /><br />Amazingly, the band are still going and you can catch them playing the odd gig at Copa Capybara and even The Pink Flamingo in Marylebone (yes, they liked the name of this one too 'Mary the Bone'? Crazy! they thought). </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Tove is currently working on a screen play for an historical love story based on the 1858 conflict between The Snorks and The Smurfs. Set against a backdrop of <a href="http://gfx.dagbladet.no/pub/artikkel/4/44/446/446067/smurf.jpg">infighting</a>, <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_WHyccU3ZIQs/RnXVKcQBKKI/AAAAAAAAAQI/kpRHYK1cbNs/s400/smurf%2Bcopy.jpg">inbreeding</a> and mass genocide the love of a Snork and a Smurf is quite something to behold. 'Blue is the Colour'</span><span style="font-size:100%;">, which sees the Smurfs depth charge the Snorks back to the stone age,</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> is under option with at least two high school film and media students.<br /></span>Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08641863893807127155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-22286678928433125702009-05-20T19:05:00.005+01:002010-03-21T11:34:41.727+00:00#23 My Granddad<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/ShResimeONI/AAAAAAAAAT4/TqxXcdOnF7g/s1600-h/pandalight.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 281px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_MtqcVWA7chg/ShResimeONI/AAAAAAAAAT4/TqxXcdOnF7g/s320/pandalight.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337995577636305106" border="0" /></a>My Granddad may not seem like the kind of person we'd be reviewing on this site. Sure, he may have the air of a rock and roller, but what septuagenarian <a href="http://butthorn.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/granddad86.jpg">does not</a>? I'll tell you this, the first thing I remember My Granddad telling me was, "You know the cover of Abbey Road? That was a veiled reference to me."<br /><br />I didn't believe him; I thought something's about medication and the nonsense My Granddad often told me. He claimed to have an invisible dog and once even that he parachuted into Scotland in 1941, in an attempt to sue Churchill for peace. That all changed one day in 2005, when a scruffy <a href="http://www.sennaya.com/images/dostoevsky310.jpg">Dostoevsky-alike </a>arrived and frogmarched him to a studio. Taking the facts as they have shown themselves to me, I am now able to present the jigsaw in it's original form.<br /><br />My Granddad did not immediately have an interest in professional musicmaking. First he was a child and then there was a war. After that it was teatime and then he thought about playing the guitar. First he had to learn and given that times was austere it took him until 1949 to really consider forming a band.<br /><br />Assembling his war-buddies at the Woking Men's Club, My Granddad rated each audition in a way which would have been reminiscent of The Gong Show, had it existed at the time. If he thought there was no talent in 20 seconds, he would stamp his feet and they'd have to get out. If he let them play, he'd rate them, although he was known for his stern marking and propensity to stamp his feet when enjoying the music. Eventually, the band had been selected. Although most of the chosen few played instruments more in keeping with big band style recordings, My Granddad insisted on the band sounding and acting like a skiffle group. Exactly how you palm mute a saxophone is unknown, but My Grandad requested it and the Saxophonist (Ken Chapman, 1925-1999) managed to create a not too dissimilar sonoural experience.<br /><br />Looking for a name that summed up their disregard for the status quo but attention to detail and self-preservation, the group hit on The Zebra Crossings. As My Granddad explained, Zebra Crossings were for everything new, including the Green Cross Code. To celebrate, My Granddad gave David Prowse (then aged 14) a ticket to their first gig. The young Prowse invited all his friends -of which there were many (who the hell wouldn't be friends with the future body (if not voice) of Darth Vader)-, and the gig sold out. The band soon sold out themselves, taking on a string of less-than-glorious advertising roles speaking against the mounting scientific evidence that jumping from a cliff was bad for you. "Jump from a cliff?" My Granddad shamefully said "full of flavour, good for your teeth and leaves a taste in your mouth for weeks to come!"<br /><br />Eventually the touring schedule got to the 13 piece band, as did the living quarters where all but My Granddad were forced to share a bed. Referring to the conditions many of the band grew up in as a child, My Granddad opined that at least they had 0.08333 of a bed each. In order to stop the <a href="http://www.comicartcollective.com/artImages/6B67AC02-3048-77F0-118A14830BB053C8.jpg">overcrowding</a> and related virus-infestations, 5 members of the band left in 1962. Aware of the instability this created in the band -let alone the bed- My Granddad suggested that they changed their name. And so, in that Düsseldorf dormitory, The Panda Crossings was born.<br /><br />Moving away from skiffle, the band settled on a form of industrial music that was not really of it's time. Sure, they had the right country for industrial music (and one very young paperboy by the name of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK2NZKyQZTY">Blixa Bargeld</a> was definitely impressed) but they probably got there a little too early to be understood by the masses.<br /><br />A new line-up change left just My Granddad from the original members and took the band in the surprising direction of chamber-rock. Part of this came from having such few members and part of it came from the liberation of having so few numbers. Suddenly silence could be embraced and the new name, The X-Ray Crossings, really added nothing apart from timely historical accuracy.<br /><br />In 1969, tired of the emotional roller-coaster of name-changes and instore performances at Woolworths, My Granddad decided to go it alone and record using only a boombox. Always earlier than fashion, My Granddad had to wait until 1978 for the boombox to be invented for him to record anything new. When the new album "Bread, Dripping, Living, Workin'" finally did come out, My Granddad -who had called himself Pelican Crossing- was too busy picking me up from school every Tuesday to tour. Still, his remaining fans took their pension and bought the album, some <a href="http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42128000/jpg/_42128524_cannabis_pa416.jpg">Murray Mints</a> and a <a href="https://www.webmama.co.uk/dev_client_images/1890/murray%20mint%20ad.JPG">teenth </a>and got down to his noisily recorded acoustic tunes.<br /><br />All this would be a footnote in musical history if it were not for one Trick Trubin, the number 1 Rick Rubin cover-producer in history (because we all know that technically Ben Folds does not count). Trubin's motto is, if people go to see cover-bands, why the hell not cover-producers? After a spell failing to act and sound like Bongwater heavyweight Mark Kramer, Trubin gave up, grew a beard, found an old man and started mimicking Rubin. With My Granddad signed up to the project Trubin requested that he record a cover version of "March of the Pigs", meditating on extreme old age, third rate industrial punk and, um, marching pigs. He played it to <a href="roryforbosworth.blogspot.com">Rory Palmer</a>, but he didn't much like it.<br /><br />With that in the can, Trubin demanded the plane fare back to America and has never been seen again. My Granddad does not mind, at least he got to relive the glory days by making Trubin sleep in his densely packed and trinket filled cramped spare room.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7496291331542727193.post-6470556446636474602009-05-15T07:56:00.003+01:002009-05-15T08:03:29.330+01:00! Planned OutageYHNH will not be publishing any new items between 00:00 and 23:59 on Saturday 16 May 2009.<br /><br />This is planned outage due to the annual and predictable rift in the reality-satire vortex. For more information about the rift and how it may affect your ability to tell bizarre humour from reality, please click <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAetASXAzsg">here</a>.piphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14716218097760695722noreply@blogger.com0