#25 Fit Female Bassists

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman. Never more so than in the macho world of twee indie rock, where women are frequently used only as eye candy, bassists or sleepy backing vocalists. Fit Female Bassists came to change all of that. Their success was limited, but the unexpected outcome was some sweet-natured musical moments of musical happiness.

Our band was formed when the women realised they would get nowhere with the help of men; nowhere that is, except to be left holding a bass guitar or a baby. The 4 members hired a flat in Monkton and set about trying to destroy the male dominated music industry. Diana Trent, the permanently elected spokeswoman for the group also played the electric guitar in normal tuning. Jane Edwards produced the literature and played the electric guitar in drop C tuning. Marion Ballard concentrated on long-term strategic vision and played the acoustic guitar in whichever of Joni Mitchell's tunings she saw fit at the time. Sarah Snow provided 2nd tier logistical support and played the cymbal.

The first record "women deserve more than an hour" came with 4 posters, a 107 page manifesto, an equal opportunities monitoring form and instructions on how to get the album in 18 different languages, braille and in large print. It also advised listeners that "If you need any assistance in understanding what this album means, please seek help from your local Citizen's Advice Bureau or other advice agency before doing anything else."

The manifesto -whichever language you happened to read it in- would have been more help if it wasn't just a sequence of unexplained and poorly linked together three-letter acronyms. One particularly excruciating sentence read "We shall look to link BIP with BAP in line with further strategic objectives of GAP, TAP, WIP and FIG, looking further to SWQ the XCV parameters."

Luckily, the album itself had some musical gems. "Bulbous Lobes" told the story of one woman's struggle against mastoiditis, "UVA UVB UVme" is an impassioned call to remain pastily skinned in summer and "Diaper Factory" is about a diaper factory where women make money to spend on their children. Throughout, the different tunings and lush arrangements make the band sound like BIS on horse-tranquillisers, or Sonic Youth fronted by Jean Sibelius in a particularly wistful mood. With their accidentals pock-marking the passages and duelling guitars managing to endeavour through a prism of non-competitive games, the band make a melodic but arrhythmic 45 minutes of joy. It's frankly -and I say this as a man- stonking stuff. Enjoyment of it is tempered by the need to fill in an online "Tell us what you think" form every time you listen to the album; you have to rate Timbre as either well above satisfactory, above satisfactory, satisfactory, below satisfactory or well below satisfactory. To be honest, timbre doesn't change much on multiple listens and we'd appreciate being asked once and once alone.

This would all be very much in the YHNH field of experience only. But there is something in the back of your mind thinking "I'm sure I've heard of these women before." You'd be right, but that shameful story is almost too heartbreaking to tell. I do so only on the precondition that you have box of tissues awaiting your tears.

At a quorate meeting of the 4 members of the band it was decided that they would move forward by asking real women for their views. In a mix up attributed by the band to anything but committee thinking, the questionnaires were sent to Colleen's Real Women, who -God help us all- responded and CCed the questionnaire to Loose Women: TV's answer to the question "what are Lynda Bellingham's finances looking like?" The responses received from the questionnaire revealed that 'real women' are interested in:

• Why their husbands always leave the car keys in different places,
• What is the best way to marry a footballer,
• Has anyone seen the new Batman film? I loved the makeup,
• Why does the lady that brings the tea think she can have a conversation with us?
• What do I do all day when my husband is at work?
• Doesn't everyone agree with me? Girls. you agree with me, yeah?
• And, last and oddest of all "let's have a revolution!"

Feeling bound to these responses, the group could do nothing else but produce a poor pop album where women's oppression was not understood, merely felt. Although they tried to reconcile this with a project they assumed they would do at some point in the future, they were sad that they had not been able to delineate the groundings of a woman's condition before they told anyone how strange it must be to be The Woman Destroyed. The circumstances forced them to the corner and they bravely fought it with all their hearts. Still, this would be a bizarre little story to tell if it were not for track 6 on the album "The Octopussycat Molls".

Whilst actually a slightly strained reference to about 6 different things at once, the track was assumed by all and sundry to be an attack song on the Pussycat Dolls. The Dolls themselves, always open to some free publicity and to get in a fight (let alone to fight a common enemy to prevent any more internal friction) released a 'response'' song "Unfit for porpoise, porbass or portcullis".

Unable to take the pressure of fighting a very different group with a very different ethos, and, frankly, slightly sick of each other's moralising, Fit Female Bassists look like they are on the way out. They just need to wait until the AGM to make that decision.