#22 Nine2Five™

Now, we don't make a habit of these things but our next 'band' that You Have Not Heard are in fact a multi-sex pop group - Nine2Five™. The group conform to the the classic three girl/two boy combo that has worked wonders in the past for such acts as The Michaela Strachan Quintet, VelcroLuv and the Nolans.

Just in pure pop cliché terms Nine2Five do not disappoint. The group comprise Steven McBrandybutter (the one with the comedy surname and former MenyMen star), Sarah Tomson (the one of possible non-descript sexual orientation), Rich Davies (the up-himself, smug one) , Bryony Rangers (the token ethnic minority) and Rachel Galloway (the busty pin-up). Of course, clichés aside, who's to say that other members won't turn out to be gay, black and/or busty at some point in the future.

All five of Nine2Five appeared in the tv show of the same name, Nine2Five - their name coming from the process by which they were selected. Nine were hand-picked from modeling agencies, Hooters restaurants and kebab strewn gutters up and down the country, by music media mogul Flavio Jackanory. Week-by-week, fatal accident after fatal accident the nine were reduced to five, all under the perspicacious gaze of the public and celebrity judges Brian Blessed, Ainsley Harriott and Terry Wogan's gardener. In the early stages of the competition Nine2Five narrowly beat Norwegian novelty act PoopOnPop (so titled due to an administrative error) and F*email to the crown of MTV6's 'Band or Bust' title in November 2008.

The irony of their name is not lost on the group who fully admit to never having done an honest days work in their lives. Indeed, before joining the group three of the five were in office jobs where they would steal biros and paperclips. Steven on the other hand is effectively televisual royalty as his mother is the third cousin of Moscovite dynamo and love child of Phil Jupitus - Jeremy Spake.

At the end of 2008 the group quickly became synonymous with everything great about MTV6 - up there with the series one repeats of 'PimpMyRide Canada' and 'Michael Barrymoore's New American Best Friend'. The five loved the ready money advertising brought in and were soon endorsing everything from their own pasta sauce to air fresheners so sweet smelling Paul would be doing a poo at your house.

Their Christmas number one 'Let's All Have a Nine2Five Christmas' reached the surprisingly credible #53 position in the charts on 25 December 2008. It was just unfortunate that a nine to five Christmas would in fact be disappointingly short and would only leave one hour fifty minutes merriment following the Queen's speech. It is equally astonishing that the song placed so well considering the lyrics that suggested we should all go and 'Abandon your place of worship, it's worth it, take out an Amex, and buy a big Lexus'. 'You can't spell Jeezus without us!' they retorted.

2009 album 'Poptronica' is expected for release at the end of June. Don't hold your breath though. Not only does it reduce the vital oxygen supply to your brain but it is thought that Flavio Jackanory has already moved onto his next project - Crufts on Ice. Each doggie competitor will not only have to display, among other things, a glossy coat and hocks of steel, but they will have to perform a three minute pairs routine. All on ice. The rumour mill continues to grind it's way to a miserable halt with the news that Sarah is thought to be appearing on 'Ukraine's Next Top Model 2009'. Whilst Rich is odds on favourite to host 'Animal Match-ups 7' in which the world's most fearsome beasts meet in a fight to the death. The seventh series is set to be the most interestingly gory to date with Tiger v Narwhal, 6 Squirrels v 2 rabbits and even some Zebra v Heron action.

The way forward is clear for Nine2Five develop or die. It's not about the music. Clearly it never was. It was all about unleashing raw young talent onto the nation in 3 minute musical bite sized pieces. Who knows what the five will be doing next? - perhaps one of them will appear on Holby City as impailed man number three or may even be filmed getting out of a car with no suitable undergarments on. Who knows and frankly who cares?
I'm off to deficate on Paul's doorstep.