#38 The Famous Minnows

Who ate all the pies? Who ate, who ate, who ate, who ate, who ate all the pies? A question I often ponder when going to the fridge to discover my last Balti Chicken and Onion has gone. But what has that got to do with bands you have never heard of? And who's this handsome fellow on the right there? Is he single?

Well, being on the cusp of the new football season has gotten us all a little dewy eyed over those classic football songs you always used to hear. We're not just talking about the ones on the terraces - 'You're going home in a Chelsea Ambulance' and the like. But also the perennial, biannual and deciduous outings that remind us just what it means to be a football fan. Even if you are not a fan, these songs really do transend the beautiful game. So many lie forgotten in the vaults and record collections of devoted fans up and down the country. You will, however, be pleased to know that we have had a whip round in the office (half of us can no longer afford to got to the the Christmas meal). That's right, we bought the rights to all of them and plan on unleashing them on the unsuspecting public (that's you. Although I suppose you may have an inkling what we have planned, seeing as I just told you).

Such classics we now own include:

Up the Millwall (The Bashing 'Em on the Noggin Song)
Morcambe, We Saw, We Conquered
You Only Win When You're Scoring
We're Fat and We Know, You Know We Are
Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wigan
My Favourite Meat is Tottenham

Did you know, it's not just New Order keeping the 'World in Motion' when it comes to bands recording foorball ditties, oh no. Can you believe it - there are bands that make a living out of this stuff. That brings us neatly to our next band that You Have Not Heard...

Does anyone remember what happened to those two lads off the 'Accrington Stanley - Who are they? Milk advert'? Of course yes you do probably not. Let me fill you in. Accrington Stanley made a triumphant return to proper football in 1995. Before that they spent twenty years trying to sell their own brand of the game with three goals and multiball release everytime someone called Trevor, Michael or Beverly took a corner. In their first season back in the league they were unable to fulfill the full quota of games for a season (on account of an incident involving an errant llama and club mascot Fraser the Eagle in the final game of the season). Interestingly, they did win best dressed at the football league awards. In the same year the two lads from the ad, now 21, unleashed their musical talents on the world. By an unfortuante turn of events the ten years supply of milk that they had be given as payment for the ad made them as rotund as a swedish meatball, and possibly twice as wide. Despite Ian Rush's saged advice in the advert, this was not enough to even secure them a place on the bench at Accrington. Even the llama could have managed that.

Randall Tamworth III and Jimmy Spillikins named their band after Accrington Stanley's nickname - The Famous Minnows. Believe it or not only one of the pair was actually from Liverpool. The other was a RSC trained child actor. It is on record that he didn't so much see as lowering himself to do the part, but saw it as a valuable character study - another box to tick on his CV (Hamlet- yes, Iago - yes, Scouse child fond of milk - yes). Yet another string to his bow! So fine were his talents that, to this day, no one knows which of the two was the real scouser.

Off the back of the success of the advert the pair released a remix version, which included an Ian Rush rap. You've seen John Barnes rap, you've even seen Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd (RIP) rap. Rush, however, is something special - "I'm Rushy, quite pushy but I'm nice, I'll giggle if you say titmice'. The video is an abolute classic and featured Bruce Grobbelaar on drums.

The lads acted as freelance football songwriters in the nineties, penning songs for everyone from Arbroath to Motherwell to Inverness Calywotsit Thistlers. Their tunes quickly became crowd favourites, and their biggest hit is still sung to this day at grounds around the county. They turned 'He's Got the Whole World In His Hands' by God into an anti-United rant for Manchester City fans. 'He's Got Steve Bruce In His Pants' shot in at 19 in the charts back in 1997. "His got Alex Ferguson doing his dishes, he's got Peter Schmeichel feeding his fishes, He's got Cantona behind the bar, He's got Steve Bruce in his pants". Truely. Social history in action there.

To this day Ian Rush finds himself beaten to within an inch of his moustache by understandably irate Stanley fans. Meanwhile, the rest of us keep on downing the milk in the vain hope that we won't be forced to don the Accrington kit and play a half or two. I swear there are 90 year old grannies who live in fear that one day they will get that call from Fraser the Eagle asking them to play. It's some sort of sick national service. Anyhoo, the band have promised they will only pen another song when Accrignton win the cup. Until then they will remain in obscurity, a fading memory of a nation which forgets them and their contribution to football...

You know, my mum used to say that when I grow up I might be good enough to play in The Famous Minnows.

The Famous Minnows? I used to quip. Who are they?

Exactly.