#34 Jakesperion

Arghhhhh! Bands that name themselves after their lead singer! (or rather lead singers that name their band after them). Arghhhh!

To introduce the precedents... Bob Marley and the Wailers -Ole Bob seemingly didn't have a lot of faith in his bandmate's talents. Van Halen - you aren't a Medieval German Prince - get over it. John Butler Trio - yes, there are three of you - woop-de-fricking-do.

And look Jimi Hendrix Experience. If I wanted to 'experience' Jimi Hendrix I would go to his house and pay him to dress up as a chinchilla and dance about singing Lionel Ritchie's 'Hello'. That's how I would experience him. And what happens if I want to 'experience the other members of the band? - I don't even know their names! Oh it makes me mad!

Jakesperion, as you may have guessed are also named after their lead singer, one Mr Jake Sperion. And well, I'll be jiggered - despite their terrible moniker they aren't half bad. In fact I need to clear my throat, as I wish so proclaim - "People of Bridport. Fine people of Bridport. Prepare to be adequately rocked!". (People of nearby Symondsbury may have to wait a few months for these guys to make it down the B3126 to see you. But be ready....be very ready).

In fact I feel I may have cheated you a little in claiming to have just introduced you to Jakesperion. You may well have heard them on the latest advert for eggs. (Not even Jack's Johnson managed to get onto an egg advert). You know the ads I mean - the ones which suggest that eggs are great for you and to eat them or yourconflakes or such like. A full 23.45 seconds of Jakesperion's tune "Full English" appears, as the young star of the ad tucks into the forth egg of his five-a-day quota. (Apparently eating five of something in a day provides significant health benefits. But beware....any more or less than five and you are 0.34% more likely to develop post-natal acne).

I digress.

On the back of their televisual success they were the featured band of the week on MySpace for four weeks in a row. There are also at least two Facebook groups in their honour (see here, and here). Bands who find fame through ads are almost always forgotten in an instant. They may even sell a few thousand albums off the back until people quickly realise that that was the only good song you will ever hear from that artist.Jakesperion may well be different. 'Full English' was a tasty indie dancefloor filler with a twist of satire so witty that it is soon to appear as the Anti-Nazi League rallies. #Don't shave your head, it only encourages them. Don't buy an armband, unless you are in mourning# as the songs bombastic opening encourages.

So who are Jakesperion? Well, Jake is the cheeky lead singer who commands the stage and wage. At the tender age of seventeen he formed a band at Bridport Technical College just to get him through his NVQ in Music Technology in applied Automotive Engineering. The other three band members were handpicked by Jake according to a complex looks:talent ratio calculation. The result isundoubtedly THE most talented band in Dorset. By happy (but unsurprising) coincidence they are also THE sexiest in Dorset. It seems pointless to even mention the other band members. We know you'll just forget them. In fact we know you don't even want us to tell you. Such is the problem with an enigmatic frontman whose band is named after him. The other members wanted to call the band 'The Brian Simon Project'. No one is quite sure (including the band themselves) if any of the group are in fact called Brian or Simon or what their project was, but it sounded good. Jake pointed out that he was the sexiest, talentiest one, so the band should take his name. As there was already a band called 'The Jake Sperion Project' they settled on 'Jakesperion'.

The similarity between the band's name and the word pertaining to the Elizabethan bard is not lost on Jake. The band's debut EP "Jakesperion Tragedies" includes such tracks as 'As You Liked It', 'King Leer', 'Much Ado About Ian'. On first listen it's more of the same anthemic indie disco ditties. Look deeper and you begin to soak up the social dilemmas and stories of gritty real life in Bridport. If you want to know what happens on Bridport Millennium Green every Friday night this disc is a must-listen.

There must be a down side I hear you cry? Well, yes. Jake has developed an annoying habit in interviews of using numbers that just don't exist. Whilst appearing live on Good Morning Bridport he stated that the group would soon play their twenteenth gig, that he hopes to one day be a bermillionnaire and that his age was seventoon and one. He is still young however and has a lot to learn about interview technique. Hopefully the good PR people at 'I'm Not Listening Records' will beat it out of him. Either that or the other zeight band members will.

So, what for the future? The band continue to gig two or three times a night in Bridport and are soon set to play their fiftieth gig at the Red Lion (the pub next to where the old Lidl used to be). Look out for them at the Bridport Fossil Hunters Festival on August 9. You Have Not Heard predicts it will be their last gig before they hit the big time - on 12 August they are due to play Ottery St Mary New Music Festival, just outside Exeter.

These guys are going places - down the A35 to Ottery. Next stop Poole!

Newsflash- Children's Safety Song Announced

Here at YHNH we are very concerned about the safety of our children. I say "our" children but by that I mean the children of society. We don't really know where children come from, but we hear it is icky and involves travelling to York, Norwich or Lincoln, none of which we particularly want to do.

As people who are deeply interested in the wellbeing of children we are glad to know that a new safety song is winging it's way to all PSE, PSHCE, and sports science co-coordinators at every primary school in the country. Permission has finally been granted by the author to distribute the song and the band created to record it (cunningly named Buffalo Mozzarella) managed to knock it out between Cash in the Attic and Doctors.

In order to improve child safety, we feel it necessary to repeat the words to the song on the site:

"There's something happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a sign over there
Telling me I got to beware

I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sign?
Everybody look what's going down

There's double lines being drawn
Looking right for every look to left
Young people crossing their roads
Getting so much help, from the crossing guard

I think it's time we stop, hey, what's that sign?
Everybody look what's going down

What a sports-day for the heat
A thousand kids in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our feet

It's time we stop, hey, what's that sign?
Everybody look (twice at) what's going down

Motorcycles strikes deep
Into your chest cavity it will creep
It starts when you're never afraid
You step off the side, the men come and take you away

We better stop, hey, what's that sign?
Everybody look (twice) what's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sign?
Everybody look (twice) what's going down
Stop, now, what's that sign?
Everybody look (three times if necessary) what's going down
Stop, children, what's that sign?
Everybody look (look, then look again) what's going down"

Children will then be given a choice of colouring in a picture of
Albert Camus or writing a short biography of Linda Lovelace,
covering her life's work and eventual demise in 200 words and
up to one picture.

#33 The House of Cards

...and that is why I don't like arctic roll. Unlike our next band that You Have Not Heard. They love it.

It's 1985 and Ian Michaelson has it all. Model wife. Big House. Fast car.

It's 1996. Ian Michaelson has nothing. No house. Big, fast wife. Model car. His life had come tumbling down like, well, like a tonne of fat-wife-sized dominoes.

What happened in the eleven year intervening period? How did one man go from riches to rags from beef to mutton and from After Eight Mint to just plain Ferrero Rocher? The answer to this and various other mind shatteringly complex questions, lead us to The House of Cards.

Ian Michaelson loved his cards and was a proud member of the Magic Circle (membership number 6384). Michaelson was also a gambler. Not like the amiable gambler in the hit song of the same name by Kenny Rogers. Oh no. Michaelson had no idea when to hold them, let alone when to fold them.

Michaelson was a serious gambler. No nudie decks for him. In fact, he had a ten year stretch of good luck that saw him win big money and celebrity Vegas friends such as NASCAR driver Butch Butchelson, six Tom Jones-alikes and Siegfried, but not Roy (Roy thought he was a bit of a "kuchen-schnitzel"). Everything was going his way until one fateful night in 1995.

The venue - Scarborough Bingodrome ("For all your gamble-tainment needs. We practically roulette you win! There's Casi-No way you can lose, even if your Craps!"). The game was Pontoon or 'Twenty-One'. And you see, for most people the clue to success in this game is in the title - "Twenty-One". Michaelson did not see this and let his vice take over. On the fifth hand of the fifth game Michaelson had a jack and a nine - nineteen for all intents and purpose was a fabulous hand that was certain to beat the paltry hand of the house. He had everything riding on that one hand. His car, his house, the money for his wife's monthly gastric bypass procedure.

Alas, he twisted when he should've stuck. "Hit me!" he declared smugly. The crowd gasped. Four of spades - bust! But he just couldn't take that he had lost. Kenny Rogers was frowning at him whilst simultaneously turning in his grave. "Hit me" Michaelson cried for the tenth time, before being ejected with a score of eighty-six. In the history of mistakes this was something a bit special. It's certainly up there with the time that Napoleon decided to have a swim straight after eating his lunch. In fact this was possibly a worse mistake than when Nick Griffin was invited to appear on hit BBC genealogical TV show 'Who Do You Think You Are?'. It turns out he was wrong all along.

At this, the absolute nadir of his career, Michaelson decided that there was only one sensible course of action - he formed a band with two down-on-their-luck gambling buddies. Michaelson sung and played guitar whilst Ian "Snake Eyes" Jeffers tackled percussion and Babyface Bob the bass. They played comfortable middle-of-the-road country, comfortably and on one or two occasions in the middle of a country road. Imagine The Eagles crossed with Crosby, Stills and Nash and Boston. On acid. Yeah so all those bands just sound like The Eagles but just imagine it - that's what The House of Cards sounded like that is.

It was Michaelson's fine finger-picking style that was the envy of, well, the other band members. Seeing as Babyface only used his thumb to play bass and Snake Eyes could only play the drums, they were both pretty much in awe of his talents. The group lasted only one gig with of more than six people. Their last took place at the Lytham St Annes Hippodome (or 'Dome of Hippos' - the children's funworld, just off the M55). A rather over enthusiastic father had booked them to play at his daughter's sixth birthday partythinking they were a trio of clown-magicians. Despite the mix-up they set-up in the ball pond and played a set so alienatingly mind-blowing that three kids went on to form Razorlight, two ran out screaming 'stranger danger, stranger danger' and one burped up a jammie dodger in Snake Eyes' hair after singing the whole of Hotel California in Cantonese. Before their final number Michaelson bet the audience all their instruments that he could beat Hippodome mascot Hippo-po-Thomas in three rounds of no rules, bare-knuckle fighting. Michaelson was obviously not aware that the hippo is actually more fricking dangerous than you would think. He was floored with one punch and there, on the floor of a children's play centre and "Kingdom of Fun", ended his musical career.

So, what of The House of Cards today? Michaelson is now working on a gambling awareness cartoon called 'PokerMon'. It aims to introduce children to the highs and lows of gambling but takes a cautious and responsible approach. Yes gambling is fine, but doing it once also makes you want to do it lots. It educates kids, advising them what to do with their chips when they're winning with it's snappy catchphrase - 'Gotta Cash em all'. With the recent advances and reduced cost of laser surgery Snake Eyes has finally had the operation he always desired. Now he just gets called Ian. Babyface (now 63) still has the youthful glow of a man a sixtieth his age. Scientists are interested in carrying out "certain medical procedures" on him to ascertain whether he really holds the secret to eternal youth or whether he has just been taking tips from Andie McDowell. No recordings remain of The House of Cards but it's thought that Snake Eyes' Mum may have one or two cassettes knocking about in the loft.

Interestingly, in 2004 the band appeared as an (incorrect) answer to a question on series two, episode five of hit BBC tv show QI. The question was 'What shall we do with the drunken sailor?'.

#32- The Fort Police

What do you think of when you hear the words "garage music"? Perhaps you think of Apple's attempt to take anyone who owns a mac and turn them into someone you have not heard of? Perhaps your first thought is of UK Garage? We're sorry if your first thought is of UK Garage. We really are.

But perhaps you are thinking of the genre of garage music, of teenagers struggling to sound like Bo Diddley. If so then we have a story to tell you; and if you were honest, you'd tell us that you have not heard it before.

Have you ever visited West Germany? If you're an American, the answer will probably be: only when I was serving in the Army in the 60s. Of every 10 Americans serving in the US Army in the 1960s, 9.76 of the spent some time in West Germany. And 2.82 of them tried to run away rather than get posted to Vietnam. How do you try and stop vast swathes of fit young trained soldiers escape barracks? You call the Military Police!

3 of the military policemen tasked with preventing anyone cheesing it were Frank Sutton, Roy Stuart and Ted Bessell. They would search high and low for escapees, deserters or other ne'erdowells and only stop when they had caught their man. Or so it appeared to their commanding officers. In actual fact, Sutton, Stuart and Bessell were involved in quite a large amount of assisting people from fleeing the army into rural Germany and assisting their flight to constitutionally chicken Canada. They had to take the occasional one back, and drive around for days looking like they were looking for someone, but they were most certainly part of the informal group of people able to assist conchies in avoiding the horror of Vietnam era Vietnam.

In their long afternoons driving around in their Army jeep, pretending to look for deserters the MPs discussed ice cream, home made pie and the music they all enjoyed. As they were riding together they realised that perhaps they could form an influential rhythm group that melded percussive strumming with layabout antics. They just had the remainder of their tours to serve first.

Honourably discharged in 1966, the band got to Great Britain just in time to assist Pickles the dog in finding the Jules Rimet trophy. Deciding to keep their names out of the spotlight for the time-being, the band agreed to let Pickles take all the credit. (Pickles died some years later in a freak cat-chasing incident. The band attended his funeral along with his owner, David Crobett, and Saint, but not Greavsie.) Following a short stay in Oggsford the band took themselves to Alberta, where they were able to link up with their old Deserter networks and hire practise space for less than a nickel an hour.

The first album, "Storebror" played on the paranoia of the late 60s American underground. The band attempted to describe the government as both corrupt, formidable and incompetent. Their argument seemed to say that the government was not above extreme nastiness to it's own citizens, it just wasn't really able to carry through on it or clean the mess up afterwards. Musically, the album sounds like how a buzz cut must be experienced by a louse, with fast and repetitive two-chord movements getting louder and quieter and louder again. The Canadian general public (who by this time were a minority considering the number of draft dodgers in the area) generally did not interact with the band and the audiences were mainly young, American, morally forthright (or downright cowardly) and rich.

A second album, "Shelled on the Tips of Fingers" saw the band encouraging other people to come and join those already in Canada, ostensibly to avoid the draft but more probably so that their live shows could be even more packed. By this point the Canadian government had had had enough. The band were sent packing over the border, choosing to be deported to Alaska rather than arrested as soon as they hit the mainland. It must also be remembered that Alaska has a very narrow maritime border with a foreign country, Russia. Sensing that this may be their way to get out of the States as soon as possible, the band did actually try to cross the Bering Straight. Indeed, they made it across the Straight only to find out that Russia is a freaking huge country and they could not actually get anywhere approaching a city without months more walking. The band walked back along the Straight and decided to drop anchor in Archorage.

Settling into the lives of American iconoclasts, the band continued to find an outlet for their strum-heavy brand of political activism. Some 17 albums, of mixed and declining quality have since been released. The band are still considered fugitives in the mainland United States and John Rich has personally declared that he will punch them in the nose if he ever gets the chance. Surprisingly, Alaska doesn't care much for mainland rules and the band are free to move about and gig in such interesting places as Trapper Creek, Healy and Anderson. They don't go much further up Alaska Route 3, for fear that they may inadvertently end up Eileson Air Force Base. The rumour is that the Military Police is not what it once was.

#31- Save Britain's Heritage v No 1 Poultry Ltd

Which Dick said "Let's kill all the lawyers"?

The honest answer is that we don't know. All Shakespeare gave us is "Dick" and as there were a few guys named Richard around at the time we can't be clear which one it was. Whoever it was, he had not heard of the next band YOU have not heard of: Save Britain's Heritage v No. 1 Poultry Ltd.

Law school is boring and repetitive. You learn some facts, you spew them out on parchment, you have a shower. Most trainee lawyers get themselves through it by thinking of all the gold and jewels they will get in this life and the next, when they will enter law heaven. However, our heroes today would not have any gilden trappings of this now or in the future. They were going to be legal aid and Social Security lawyers, testing their toughness and preparedness of mind against Yvette Cooper and her department of DWP legal eagles in a fight to the lunchtime.

Originally, Richard DeVere had tried to become successful in music through the medium of the law gag one hit wonder. The idea was every lawyer would be enthralled by the song long enough to buy it, and if every lawyer in the country bought the song then it would go straight to number 1. Some blame the concept, although others suggest it was the song he chose, but Mr Baumbastic -a tale of love, loss and entitlement to extended rights due to connection with an education authority gained whilst other rights were being exercised- was not purchased by even 1% of the law community. Saddened by this, DeVere decided to foment an alliance with some of his classmates and make a concept album about the only subject that mattered to him at the time.

DeVere hand-picked everyone in his year that could play an instrument: Audrey fforbes-Hamilton tinkled the ivories, Marjory Frobisher blew on an aerophone, Brabinger did whatever came naturally and Brigadier Lemington OBE (real name Arthur Sharp) played the bongos with vigour. Their union was to be for only one album and one album only: TV on the Bookio. The concept relied on the difference in legal status caused by the divergent outcomes of the book and television series of Tracy Beaker.

In the book "The Story Tracy Beaker" the protagonist was fostered by Cam Lawson, meaning that any care order in place over her remains. This does not necessarily mean that the fostering would end at any point if this continued to be seen as successful. However, in the TV version, in what DeVeres described as "a happy-go-lucky attempt by Social Services to discharge their duty of care in a haphazard and unhelpful way," Tracy is adopted by Cam and her new husband Gary.

The album begins with "13, 14, 16", a slow and meditative opener explaining the main legal point of their argument:
"13 weeks before you're fourteen,
and one day after your sixteenth,
then you'd get so much help, love
and care, care, care in the world."

After setting their legal stall they explained, blisteringly and through the use of Gregorian noise-flute that "Tracy Beaker was Born Innocent." From this point on the album manages to list many of the things being seen as a relevant child or former relevant child would entitle Tracy Beaker to after the age of 16:

• Full assistance until the age of 18 with all financial and housing costs if required,
• Fees, living and housing costs whilst in full time further and higher education,
• A Pathway Plan and designated worker to assist in times of need both practically and financially,
  
• Extra duty under the Housing Act 1996 (Amended 2002 and by Priority Needs Order 2001) due to vulnerability caused by being in care, and
  
• An exemption from the shared room rent condition for Housing Benefit in private properties, allowing the one bedroom rate to be paid to a single person.

up until she was 21, or older if she remained in full time education. Sweet.

But -the band said- she was robbed of this, and for what? For a change in legal status that made little difference in the long run and provided an unassailable panacea (incorrectly pronounced on the album as pancetta) for the suffering real little children currently in Social Care. The band attest that the best thing was for Cam to foster Tracy in the long term, at least until Tracy is 16 and an eligible child. The BBC, the band decided had erred badly.

The BBC have repeatedly failed to comment on the album, or even mention it. Rumours are rife that a number of executive researchers are looking for new jobs after failing to notice the legal issues underlying the problem and Andrew Marr himself is considering coming out in favour of the band's suggestion, if only Terry Wogan will back him. Protests on the streets are becoming louder and more threatening and the BBC is promising to release their own version of the Praetorian Guard (Barry Chuckle and Jim from EastEnders) in order to quell the riots.

This is not over yet.

You Have Not Heard - The Book!

The internet sensation that has taken South Korea and Uruguay by storm is set to be released as a paperback! Great!

You will be able to join with us as we recall once again some of the greatest acts that never quite found fame, including such luminaries as The LLandudno Border Colliers, Dismissive Missive, The Gaffer Tapes and more!

Along the way we hope to answer such questions as:

-Why do birds suddenly appear?
-What is the world record for capuchin monkeys wearing trousers?
-What is Bono's favourite colour?

The crickets are already calling it THE paperback release about bands that You Have Not Heard of 2009. You can guarantee that someone somewhere will rate it at least three thumbs up out of fourteen.

It's coming. You can't stop it. You may not want it but you will buy it. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll get that thing where a little bit of sick comes up.

Contains approximately 0.5% new material.

#30 Widget

Who knew that robots would ever amount to so much? After all, their school reports were always so mediocre... "Little Robby understands the practical applications of metaphysics, and has an appreciation for the Renaissance painters, but has a tendency to torment his fellow pupils before blasting them with his ray gun eyes". "Mickey tries hard but can sometimes go a bit 'HAL9000'. When I asked him to sit down and be quiet he said - 'I know you and Frank are planning to seat me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen'. I don't even know who Frank is". Distraught teachers aside, nowadays we rely on tiny robots to practically run our lives. Not only that, but little Robby's great great grandson's brains now power my waffle iron. Amazing!

If 'Batteries Not Included' taught us one thing it's that if your apartment building is about to be torn down by faceless corporate America you can rely on robots from outerspace to lend you a helping hand. And if that, and toasting waffles is all they ever achieve, they can power down happy. But wait! Here we have a robot who made a name for himself in the world of music. A robot who tore up the user manual and dared to press 'Control Alt Funk'.

The Dave Matthews Band, Van Halen, and The Barry Manilow Experience. Everyone knows that the greatest bands are named after their lead singer. The band Widget were no exception, taking their name from main protagonist Widget 2000. The band consisted Widget on all instruments and six Servers at the University of California which ensured Widget kept in time, tune and within legal levels of decibels. For all intents and purposes Widget was a computer chip inside a large box. Despite this, he was a dashing young android with the computing power of two and a half Carol Vodermans, and the looks of a robot James Dean. Widget was originally designed by professors at the University of California, having been commissioned by the Secretary of Defence. He was going to be the next big thing in human cyborg relations - a cold merciless killing machine. But, just like Vin Diesel and 1980s Action Man, he had a beautiful singing voice. It was this that saved him from a life of time, grime and war crimes. Having been fitted with one of the earliest form of artificial intelligence he quickly developed complex self awareness and could even tell the difference between some reds and greens, despite being colour blind.

The band were nurtured by the professors at UCLA and encouraged to produce music. Widget's combined relay protocol transfer system networking capabilities made them the most prolific song writers in the business. By the end of their career they had produced over thirty five thousand albums. The most noteworthy include:

Binary and Finery
Mean Machine
I, Widget
Cyborg Relations
By-Onyx
Mega Bits/Mega Bucks! (The Best Of)
01101001011011100010000001110100
0110100001100101001000000110001
0011000010110001001111001001000
0001101101011000010110101101100
1010111001001110011001000000110
0010011000010110001001111001
Rickypedia (Edit Him At Your Peril (Cos He Has Laser Gun Knees))
Raindrops and Petticoats
Automaton Love
Eh? Aye!
I love 01011001 01001000 01001110 01001000

They have been so productive that instead of a year of release, each title is given a time and date of release. In one night alone the septet had written, recorded and mastered twelve thousand songs. Seminal work "The Appliance of Violence", which hit the charts at 4:05am on 15 March 1972, is their magnum opus. It charts Widget 2000's early battles with current abuse and domestic violence. The sounds he emitted from his tonebox on this album were without doubt some of the freshest, tastiest bytes ever produced. Their live performances were their tour de force. A Widget gig was sort of like playing a Spectrum ZX with your eyes closed, without touching any buttons and whilst standing next to a hundred or so other people wearing 'I Heart Linux' and 'Jobs for President' t-shirts doing exactly the same.

Wheeled onto stage by burly roadies he would sit centre stage, with the Servers appearing on big screens behind him. San Antonio 12 May 1978. The finest gig to ever feature a robot performer live linked to to the rest of his band. Widget busted out a superb blend of classics, new songs and an acoustic half hour that drained the milliamps for a radius of three miles. "Is everybody feeling adequately entertained and refreshed?" Widget quipped (he always had a great rapport with his fans). "My memory circuits are telling me that you have provided satisfactory levels of appreciation tonight. For that my pleasure unit is thankful". It was then, during his fifth encore that he broke out the Ms Pacman theme. Well, what can you say to that. It wasnt until primates started throwing barrels and foxes started piloting sophisticated spacecraft in the 80s that geeks would again wet themselves in unison with such aplomb.

At their height Widget regularly appeared in the popular Computer and Robotics periodicals of the day and could count Dolly Parton and Donald Trump amongst their famous fans. However, by the end of the 70s Widget's antics became more bizarre as the power went to his head. Central to the problems was his relationship with hot to trot celebrity of the day - Deep Blue. Believe it or not IBM were happy for their protégé to date Widget. They felt it was healthy for two young brilliant minds to want to do what they computed appropriate. Widget rejected the suggestion that the relationship was a publicity stunt at the couples fifth vow renewal. Despite this it wasn't long after that they declared themselves "incompatible". Rumour has it that that a dashing young Russian named Gary Kasparov had come between them. Two days after the public break-up, whilst on stage in San Fransisco, Widget declared himself king of all Transformers. He managed to bend himself into the shape of a unicorn riding a panda before short circuiting. It was the beginning of the end for Widget the band. The Servers were getting angsty at not being able to be present at their gigs, and motioned for a change of name to 'Widget and the Servers'. Truth be told they just wanted a piece of the Parton.

On 17 December 1982 Widget was pronounced obsolete - beyond patching and after they realised defragging really wasn't doing anything. Widget may be long gone but his memory lives on (it was the only salvageable part of him). The Servers continue to make music to this day as a six piece Barbershop Quartet. Just weeks after he powered down it was released that he had a particularly virulent Trojan - probably introduced by USB stick whilst his firewall was down. Gary Kasparov - I'm looking at you here.

So, each time you put on an audio disc, play Space Invaders at your local arcade or boot up your BBC Micro just remember - there is a little bit of Widget in there. Who knows, one day there may even be a full motion robot band whose metallic, boxy, warblings will have us getting our old LPs out and saying "you do know that they are just a Widget rip off son?". In the mean time if it is monotone tunes devoid of emotion you are after you may have to stick the next best thing. The new Athlete album is out in September.

#29 Fingers Like Fish

It's pretty hard to be legitimate when you've been sold out in childhood. Just ask Fergie; she had to go from being on American TV to joining the the royal family to do whatever it is she does now. The next band that You have Not Heard of tried to mark a similar trajectory but -as ever on this site- it turned out to be a pronounced parabola, as gravity's rainbow took it's toll once more.

We all know Captain Crowsfeet fish fingers: "Get your fishy fishy fingers and stick 'em in your face, don't let the cameras see you, or there'll be a disgrace." And of course we all remember the adverts, where our whiskered Captain would chase a group of children around an island and then reveal his "treasure", which happily turned out to be some fish fingers and not anything else.

Five of the children chased around the island were Cecelia Bloom, Hillary Essex, Sammy Pinkers, Iris Myandowski and Julie Burrows. Most of these young children had not really been asked or allowed to contemplate whether or not they wanted to be thrust into the spotlight. Their parents had always just assumed they wanted to be famous and didn't care how that happened. Whether this is true or not, after a couple of years on The Captain's Ship (and indeed, for Pinkers, on the Captain's Table) the children wanted nothing more than to be done with celebrity and fame.

But how does one redeem oneself? Is there any penance or indulgence possible for you to overcome the tainting process of blanket advertising? Could they waltz past pictures of their own faces in order to gain entrance to the back door of a toilet gig-house? Would they be courted by A&R people wanting to feed off their story into multi-platinum soul-free recordings? Would the Captain make a comeback to show them the rest of his treasure? To answer those questions, yes, yes and no, because he's fictional. But then yes.

Sure, not selling out was very hard. They had people trying to sign them before the gigs even took place, not having heard anything. Of course the back story was very easy to write into a press release and the media kit probably makes itself if left unattended for any length of time. The band had to try so hard not to get signed that they would avoid putting their name on anything, travelling under pseudonyms (would you believe, they used sit-com character names!) and avoiding all hand-based communication with the deaf. Eventually they succumbed to the sweet sweet soothings of indie-nerd label MUGAdeath. The label was known for its open ended contracts and that all of the business operations were conducted under a metal basketball net, which was itself in front of a soccer goal and next to some fixed cricket stumps with no bail. Here the band signed and their music was set to be produced, distributed and, who knows, perhaps even listened to.

The band hit the studio and the studio did not know what hit it. It was the band. 11 breezy, sweet, densely written songs were recorded in a little over 3 days. Someone at the record company suggested calling the genre applecore, but that had apparently already been done. Eventually they decided to call the genre Macawcore, as Essex's vocals matched that of a restless screeching bird. The album lyrics and title "Fortress of Solitude, Fortress of Peenemünd", referred to the band's constant insistence that scientific discoveries had a value on their own, unconnected with the way in which those discoveries are used. Self-elected social commentators have stated that perhaps the band were doing this in order to salvage their acting reputations from the grips of Captain Crowsfeet. Other social commentators have said that's just silly.

By the second album, "HyperHysterical Realism" the band were disintegrating fast. Recording in different rooms, using different demo tapes and recording different songs, the band managed to create an air of cogency through the production of Masso Much, who was lucky enough to hear music very, very well. Few people agreed and it sold fewer units than The Captain's Cod Conkers, a nutty brew of farm-grown fish and horse-chesnuts.

The band are in talks with the Captain for a reunion tour. Their dreams of artistic independence lie in tatters and all parties agree that everyone's careers can only be saved by an unholy reunion. A new generation will now find where he keeps his treasure. We can only hope he hasn't moved it.